Tuesday, June 30, 2009
30 posts in thirty days.
30 random facts about me.
Fun Fact #30: I have a taste for the theatrical.
For the entire month of June, I have posted one fact about me every day. For the entire month of June, I've let you, dear readers, into a small room in my mind, how I think, how I act (and in certain cases, react) and how I feel.
Tonight, I want to give you a serious part of me.
I put that picture of The Joker up there, not because I am crazy, not because I cause chaos whenever possible, but because I, like him, am a freak.
A freak of nature. A freak of chance. A freak of circumstance.
A freak of life.
A controlled fury is what my mom calls it. My best friend calls it a calm surface, belying the strong undertow current underneath. I call it the force which drives me to be better. Most people, however, call it desire. I desire acceptance.
All my life, I have had a want, need, THIRST, for acceptance. I needed it from my family. I needed it from my friends, my coworkers, my schoolmates. I even needed it from you, dear reader. I open my comments. I beg, plead, for your attention. Tell me you've been here. Say a comment, like or dislike.
I wanted to be remembered. I didn't want to be forgotten.
I wanted to live forever, at least my name.
Alas, I am not naive. I am no longer jaded. I also no longer need your acceptance.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have. But at the end of the night, I will not lose sleep over how many people see my work. I will not become these other blogs and regurgitate what someone else has written, no. I will have my own voice, my own thoughts. I will write about what I love, what I hate, my experiences, my downfalls, my love, and everything else under the sun, and if you read it, fine.
If not, I have the best journal ever for myself.
I represent the strong black men out there who struggle. I represent the single fathers who do what they can for their children, even if the effects and rewards of their actions aren't seen for years. I represent the brother who is there for his family, the son who loves his mother dearly, the grandson who will drop everything to take care of his grandparents, the cousin who always gives advice, even if the advice is saying nothing at all. I represent the geeks and the nerds who don't have a voice. I represent the true children of the 1980's, and look at what the sons and daughters of the baby boomers have given us and want to change it. I represent the person who will stand up and say "I will NOT be a sheep. I have no strings, I am NOT your marionette!"
I am that voice.
I am the scorned lover. I am the insulted kid sitting alone at lunchtime. I am the nervous guy who wants to ask you out. I am the diary for each and every true friend that I have. I am the advice column. I am the friend, the brother, the best friend, the lover. I thought that I needed you, dear reader, but nay, I needed ME.
And I have me.
And I will become my own voice that rises above all the other monotonous sounds.
And I will be better.
A change is coming, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, hell, whether I like it or not.
I have a taste for the theatrical. I star in the biggest tragic comedy ever and it's called my life. I don't like to talk about me, so this has been the hardest month to write. Yet, not only was it therapeutic, I feel as if I've done it with grace, with flash, with flair. This blog, for the month of June, has been marked by an extravagant display and full of exhibitionism on my part. And I will continue to make it that way.
So there you have it, folks. 30 posts in 30 days. I will revisit this again in a different month... I think that month has 31 days in it.
Thank you for everything.