Monday, November 16, 2009

Day 318 (Twice)

Twice I turn my back on you
I fell flat on my face but didn't lose
Tell me where would I go
Tell me what led you on, I’d love to know

Was it the blue night
Gone fragile
Was it both men
In wonder steady gone under
Was it the light ways
So frightening
Was it two wills
One mirror holding us dearer now

Thought I had an answer once
But your random ways swept me along
Colossal signs so I got lost
With so many lovers singing soft

Was it the blue night
Gone fragile
Was it both men
In wonder steady gone under
Was it the light ways
So frightening
Was it two wills
One mirror holding us dearer now

Now playing: Little Dragon - Twice
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Day 313

Things I've Learned In 2009

#5. I found out the reason why I'm single.

Before I begin, let me say this. This is in no way firing at every single female in world. I have yet to meet you. You have yet to befriend me. I have yet to talk to you. You have yet to lie to me. I have yet to give you my all. You have yet to disappoint me.

With that being said, let's begin.

My Ladybug tells me that I'm worth every dollar and cent spent.
My Poetess tells me that I'm dreamy.
Dimples tells me that I'm patient enough to wait for a good thing to come along.
My Sugar Momma tells me that I'm loved, every day, whether I know it or not.
My Mistress tells me that I'm a genius; that leadership is sexy, brains are sexy, therefore, I am sexy.
Chesty McSparkles (her name, not mine) tells me that I'm damn near incredible.
My Best Friend says that I'm awesome and someone one day will realize that.
Serendipity says that I'm a very good man.
My Sister says I'm one of the best single men left.

The problem comes in where these women are telling me things that I SHOULD already know. However, I'm dense. I can't get past that people are actually saying this about me.

I'm single because I have a self-esteem issue.

My self-esteem issue is the reason why I settle for those who can't afford me.

I settle because I don't know my own self-worth.

Well, I didn't. Until about a week and a half ago.

I love me enough to know that you don't (and won't) love me enough. Ever.

And you know what? That's OK. I had to come to grips about that.

I'm worth a hell of a lot. And one day, some woman will come along and hold up the receipt and let me know that she was willing to pay to have me. Until that day?

I sit in the glass case of my emotions and thoughts, waiting on someone who has enough to pay the price on my tag.

#5. I found out the reason why I'm single. Nobody worth having thinks I'm worth having. Yet.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Day 310 (Missing In Arrival)

I'm nervous.

I've been up all night, knowing that you'll be here soon.

What do I wear? Which cologne do I put on? Hat or no? Argh. This is maddening.

I miss you. I've missed you for months now; missed your face, missed your smell, missed your laugh and giggles. I missed looking into your eyes. I miss kissing your lips. I missed hugging you, holding hands, playful fights, small attempts of PDA.

I miss your voice, even though I just hung up with you a few hours ago before you got on your flight.

I miss everything about you and even though I know in less than a hour you'll be in my presence, I can't get over the fact that I feel this way about you.

I'm not supposed to feel this way.

I'm not supposed to be this nervous.

I'm not supposed to miss you.

How can you miss what you've never experienced?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Day 306 (Princess Peach's Diary)

Dear Diary,

I think I may have put the Mushroom Kingdom in danger. I don't know what I was thinking. It just kinda happened.

I left Mario. For Luigi.

I know, I know. That's bad enough. What's worse is that he didn't even find out from me, I posted it on The Mushroom Inquirer.

I love Mario. I do. I've told him so, on numerous occasions. He's always been there for me, helping me, making sure I'm ok, just being him. He never asked for anything in return. He's an overall great guy, it's just that...

Luigi is tall. Slim. Talented. Aesthetically pleasing. I'm not saying Mario isn't any of these things- ok, yeah, I am. But I'm a woman.

I can make my own decisions.

I still haven't talked to Mario about this. I tried to, but the words just wouldn't come. And he's such a gentleman, he didn't ask about what he saw, and I know he saw it. I don't know if he's mad or not. Actually, I know he's pretty pissed at me, because not too long ago (like maybe 2 months or so ago) I told him that I wanted to be with him. Of course, as you can see, that really didn't happen. Princess Daisy said that he's not showing any signs of hurt, but that's Mario for you. He might show a facial tic with anger, but then, it's gone and he's back to smiling and laughing and yahooing all over the place. Yesterday, he called me and asked if I wanted to go Go-Karting with him. So, I'm still kinda confused. This morning, he came to our Tee Time of 9AM. And we did play Tennis together Sunday evening.

I don't even know if he's officially not talking to me; I'm spending a lot of time with Luigi. He's Dreamland dreamy, got me thinking I'm in Sky Land or something. The other day he gave me a Fire Flower. To be honest, for a quick minute, I thought about Mario and how he used to do the same.

My problem comes in where, if something happens to me, who's gonna protect the kingdom AND come save me? As much as I like Luigi, he's not really all that without his brother. Yeah, there was those two times he saved his brother, but it took him a while. Mario was always there for me. Come to think of it...

Never mind. I don't even know why I wrote this entry. If I scream loud enough, Mario, as he's always done, will come to my aid. He's too much of a gentleman and a good person to let me down.

Besides, he's my friend. Friends are always there for each other, right?




P.S. If I have to tell Luigi that he's still second player no matter how he uses Starman one more time, I'm gonna scream.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Day 304 (Rehab)

Dr. Simmons gives me a once-over.

I fidget in the chair. I look everywhere but in her eyes.

She taps her pen on the clipboard.

"When was your last hit?"

I stare blankly at the ground. "Hit?"

She shakes her head. "Hit. Score. Taste. Fix."

"Oh. Um, it was 2 Thursdays ago."

She writes.

"What are you writing, Doc?"

"That's none of your concern. How do you feel?"

I look up at the ceiling. "Rested. Um, sometimes, I still want..." I trail off.

She raises an eyebrow. "Sometimes?"

"I've been trying to ween myself off the drug, you know? Actually stop cold turkey. It makes me feel really high and then when I crash, it hurts. This last time... I think I hurt myself. I got too deep into it."

"Self inflicted pain. You don't like that, do you?"

I shake my head.

"Well, what are you going to do?"

"I want to go into rehab with you, Doc. Try to get this drug out of my system. Detox, if you will."

"What if I offered you the drug now? Would you take it? Would you relapse?"

I don't answer immediately. She looks over at me. "Well?"

I sigh. "I don't want to relapse. I'm tired of the roller coaster. The highs are incredible, but the lows? The lows are terrible."

She writes some more. "You still haven't answered my question."

"No. No more. I won't get fooled into getting high again. I don't want an artificial high. I want a natural high, or maybe not even be high at all."

"Well, I'm here to help you, but you have to help yourself. You have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get back on the right track."

I rub my hands together. "Will I ever get cured?"

She stares at me. "I think that you'll be fine this time. It's different than from when you came in a couple of months ago. You're ready to leave it all behind and move on. I will help you in any way that I can. Did you do like I asked?"

I nod my head.

"So let's hear it."

I clear my throat. "Scratch. Itch. Feening. Fix. 2 dollars? Not enough. Steal some stuff, isn't that tough. Get a job. Get a place. Get somewhere to hide my face. Now I get my fix more often. Speech is getting better daily. I don't have to go without, as a matter of fact it's rarely. I look in the mirror, I sure do look different. Feel that way, too. Now I got my own personal supply, heh, who knew? I'll never sell it though, this Lady is my best friend. She was here through everything, stuck by me till the end. I married the dope. Tried to think of different ways to get high, but none works, nope. She gets mad, disappears too fast, simply because now I always wants a piece of her ass. My friend called, said to come through, stat. She's got something new for me to taste, it's called Crack. It's time to divorce you and leave you alone. You've already taken my car and home. All I got left is this coffee mug... I wish that you weren't my favorite drug. But you are. Time for a new high."

She smiles. "Poetry?"

I nod my head. And for the first time, I look her directly in her eyes. "It was the only way I could express myself."

She stands up. "Well, I certainly didn't expect you to express yourself in this way; I must say, it was quite enlightening. We're done here for today, but let me leave you with this: take your time. In due time, everything you want to get out of this program will come to you if you do what you need to do and follow my directions down to the letter. Understood?"

I nod my head. I exhale.

Time to start detox. I'm in rehab.

Now playing: Jay-Z Feat. Pharrell - I Know
via FoxyTunes


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