Friday, January 30, 2009

Day 29 (Paranoia...)

we stopped sexing, paranoia sets in
you stopped texting, are all bets in,
you Funk Flexing, dropped bombs and such,
had the nerve to say that i'm too much, but
it was all good just a week ago
until now i was the numero uno
i'm a bit confused, i don't know what you know
my heart's the new ellen page in alaska, juno
but you know what it was and how it ended
add you to the list of girls that I befriended
kelis in 99, yeah, i'm suspended
between love and lust, and you pretend it
was just another opportunity to make a boy toy
play with my emotions, have fun, say oh, joy
my heart tried a stop loss, the wall was deployed
one quick look at those missiles, my wall was destroyed
your tongue a double agent, quick to join mine
its real team was you, so it stole all my shine
put oil on my plans, super slicked up my grind
now I gotta watch you and him play on primetime

have you lost your mind
anyway, he don't know you (like i do, he'll never know you)
like i do, he'll never know you (anyway, he don't know you)
and it's so true, thinking back to when our skies was blue
had me thinking about rocks that had no hue
and you were thinking about all of that and him, too

you played and blew me like your favorite clarinet
even had me jump back to smoking them cigarettes
scrounging online, finding dates on the internet
looking for a so-so girl that I could get intimate
within the first week, in between the sheets
no coldest winter sista, soldier's making up the heat
at first we're discreet, then in the back seat
then in vicky's dressing room, wash, rinse, repeat
it seeped in my mind like fog through a window
at first you would leave every time the wind blow
and i'm getting paranoid, my emotions in limbo
then you started going to where all the men go
with angel's food cake, but you're so devilish
and those net stockings, catching the bigger fish
i prayed the stars fell harder, i needed a bigger wish
no more help for the hamburger, you needed a bigger dish

Now playing: Foreign Exchange - If This Is Love (feat. Yahzarah)
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Day 28

Mood: Relaxed

Mode: Focused

Thoughts: So, I've been asked about my crush. Not my Nia Long crush, come on, everybody knows about that. No, I mean my SECRET crush. And it's only a secret because I chose not to tell it.

Until now.

Why spill the beans now? Well, because I think that my time for holding stuff in is over.* Besides, unless she comes at me, I can't see myself going at her. Too much history. Let me enlighten you on her.

Her smile melts my heart, every time. New penny colored skin. Deep brown eyes. Nice, full, plump lips. Smart. Quick-witted. I gotta say, the older we get, the more gorgeous she gets. And it's weird, you know, like I ALWAYS wanted to try and talk to her... but she was so... BEAUTIFUL... I couldn't do it. And me, being the overweight, glasses-wearing dork I was in high school (compared to the overweight, glasses-wearing dork I am now? LOL) I never had the courage to even open my mouth and say something, ANYTHING. We were friends, actually, we still are friends. What's really funny is the past 3 times in 10 years I got with somebody serious, she popped right back up in my life, as if to say, "You should really just say something." For 12 years now, I haven't said one word to her, not like that. And I STILL hold a flame for her. She's just... amazing.

Her name, you ask? I'm too embarrassed to say. But she's a gem. And if she ever reads this, she'll know I'm talking about her. She was my addiction. In some ways, she still is.**

There. It's out there. I put it on blast for the world to see. AND I dropped mad hints on who she is.

You happy now? I won't put YOU on blast and say your name and what not, but you can answer my question... writing a blog of your own. HA. Don't worry, I'll wait.

*Actually, I was dared by... a party who's name shall not be mentioned, to speak on my crush. I'll be waiting on that blog, madam.

** And to The Gemini, no need to worry, it's just a crush. So, don't go biting my head off, or keep reminding me of the past, ok? OK.
Now playing: J*DaVeY - Might As Well
via FoxyTunes

Monday, January 26, 2009

Day 26 (and no, not the group...LOL)

Mood: Chilling

Mode: Energetic

Thoughts: So, after a crazy weekend spent driving around running errands and working, I had a lot of time to think to myself.

I hate dating.

This whole process is a trial and error thing. What works for one, might not work for another. Now, that's not to say you can go around playing chameleon, that's just saying that there's plenty of women out there, and it's getting to be a tiring search to find the right one. Correction, close to the right one, because no one can be 100% right for you.

I just wish there was a better way to say "This is who I am, do you like me, check yes or no." It's not like it was when I was in high school, adult dating is a whole 'nother beast. Too many rules to play by, and too many variables to find a decent partner.

What makes it worse, every woman you engage in a conversation with, the rules will change. Not the base rules (however, sometimes even they change), but the main rules for THEM. So now, you have to ask without really asking because she automatically assumes you know how to play the game.

And trust, she didn't come to you with instructions pinned to her chest.

Just my two cents. Leave a penny, take a penny.

Now playing: John Legend - Green Light (feat. Andre 3000)
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Day 19

Mood: Cold (and I don't mean the temperature)

Mode: Sarcasm Enabled

Thoughts: I awoke this morning. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to do anything but lay there.

I think back over the past 2 months. I wonder where exactly I went wrong.

Did I get traded in for the new model? I'm not stupid enough to believe I'm the best thing walking, so it could possibly be someone better for her beside her right now.

Or maybe a old boyfriend called and said he was sorry. You know how that goes. New dude gets the instant boot.

Maybe I'm just a bad kisser. LOL I mean, that was the last thing we did or said to each other before I got that text message.

(Side note, that's what pissed me off the most. A freaking text.)

She says that it's the fact that she's not feeling me like I'm feeling her. Really? When did you decide that? While we were.... No, you know what. I'm still a gentleman. I won't do that. I will say that it isn't what most of you gutter heads are thinking, trust me. Strictly PG action.

Moving on, cause that vision is stuck in my head. Hard to erase that memory when it's the last one, good or bad, that you have with a person.

No, wait. No moving on. Let me get this straight. Not even 12 hours after I left your house, I get the whole 'friends' spiel. The only thing that I said after I left until that text you sent was I made it home, good night, and good morning. So, sometime between me taking you out to eat, us going back to your house for a movie, and me going home, you all of a sudden decided that I wasn't what you were looking for? Did I say something? Food stuck in my teeth? I shouldn't have used your bathroom? I didn't leave the waiter a big enough tip?

I don't get it.

Maybe you never really was feeling me in the first place. You needed conversation while whomever was lallygagging with coming back to you. So, 2 months of... whatever you wanna call it, cause I damn sure can't call it, and it's just over?

Maybe it wasn't for me to get, you know? I just know I'm trying to sort through my feelings. First, it was confusion. Then sadness, as I said last night. Then, this morning, I was so down... but as the day progressed, I got upset, then mad, then pissed, then...

I'm so sarcastic right now. And from the looks of it, I'll be this way for a while.

I can't even write right now, my thoughts are all jacked up. I can't sleep, cause I'll probably dream of her. And I'm sick, ain't that about... Even separated, I can't get her out of my system. Sigh.

Day 19, complete.

Now playing: Kanye West - See You In My Nightmares (feat. Lil' Wayne)
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Day 18

Mood: Disappointed

Mode: She Hate Me


Always last place.

Always last to know.

Always waiting around for... something.

Always in the 'Friend Zone'.


I don't get it. I really don't. You don't want a thug, you don't want a slacker, you don't want to be hurt, you want to be loved, to be respected, to be emotionally, mentally and financially stable... and when you get it?

You say it's not what you were expecting. It's not what you want.

This is an open letter. The 'you' is referring to every single female who I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, the thrill of chasing, the joy of dating, and the sadness of leaving.

What is it about me that makes you think I'm some kind of play thing? That I'm one of the people hired to put you back together again, to help heal your broken heart, just for you to simply run into the arms of ANOTHER guy who'll hurt you? Is that what women do now? Do they run around saying:

"I want a gentleman. I want a man who'll take care of home and business. I want a good father for my kids. I want to be held, and loved, and respected."

...and then as soon as they find them, tell them that "I just want to be friends, because you're SUCH a good guy." Or, "I don't think I like you as much as you like me." Or, "You're too intense. I've never felt love like this before, but it's too much." Or, "I see you as my older brother." Or, "You're like family to me, we could never date." Or any other numerous reason that I've gotten over the years.

I am SO TIRED of the bullshit. I've been the Nice Guy for too long. I ask, always, always, always, in the beginning, tell me what you're looking for. If I can fit that mold, then I'll give it a shot. If not, I'll move on. I have enough 'friends'. These female 'friends' call me when the chips are down. When they have sex with a dude the first date and never hear from them again and they need me to console them. When they need me to ride with them out to his house to see if he's home, or if he has a new girlfriend. When something, anything, needs fixing and I have the skill to fix it. When he hits her, and she needs to cover it up. When he leaves her and the kids out in the cold, and they need a place to stay. I'm too available, right? I bet that's what's going through your head. So, what happens when I'm not available all the time? I get dropped like a hot potato. So now, I gotta think like every female is a flake? HA. That'll get me somewhere.

This is crazy. I'm crazy. I am. I have to be, to keep thinking that I can adapt to a female if need be, or I can be myself around anybody, or that I can change like a chameleon when the situation calls for it.

I'm tired, ladies. I want you all to think about this. Think hard, too, because it'll change your outlook on finding a mate, I promise. This will be the deciding factor in finally finding the man that is the closest to your Knight In Shining Armor as you'll get.

What is it that you want? And when you get almost EXACTLY what you want, what will you do with it?

Stop letting your brain (and your girlfriends who are single) get in your way. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, it's good. Really good. And it's all true. Not everything that's too good to be true is a lie.

Sometimes, life gives you lemons. And you make lemonade. Sometimes, life gives you everything you've ever wanted. Don't throw it away. You'll be losing out on what is possibly the best thing you've ever had.

Thankfully, Day 18 is complete.

Now playing: N¤E¤R¤D - Sooner or Later
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Day 9

Mood: Tired

Mode: Reflective

Thoughts: So, here I am, newly attached. It's weird, I haven't had a relationship like this in a long time. Part of it was I had to find myself, know who I was, before I could let anyone in. It's a slow process, but that's the beauty of it. This time, I'm gonna take it day by day.

She's a good woman. Strong. She likes me, and I like her, too. Makes me feel some kind of way whenever I get a call or a text from her, a good way, of course.

A friend of mine was wondering out loud about people jumping off the mountain. She was thinking about how guys move from one infatuation to the next, and how they twist words around to brighten their favor, when really, what was stated was just that, stated. No deeper meaning or hidden clues.

I'm thinking that maybe she was throwing subliminal jabs at me. LOL

Although, I'm the first to admit, it used to be times, I would pull an Erick Sermon. I used to be quick to jump out the window, especially back in the day.

2 months ago, Love had me so jaded, beat me down so badly, I wouldn't even get with Nia if she asked me. And that's serious. I was ignoring everything that was crossing my path.

Now? I can't say that I'm ready for Love. But I can say I'm open to all the possibilities of what could be, including Love.

If that's jumping off the mountain, consider me suicidal.

Now playing: Raphael Saadiq - Oh Girl (feat. Jay-Z)
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Day 7

Mood: Ecstatic

Mode: Thinking CLEARly

Thoughts: I think I'm 10 years younger. I feel like it. Today started out good, then it went downhill quickly. I was feeling like crap, then, all of a sudden, my day was EXCELLENT.

Miss Huxley is incredible.



I went in for 90... but she met me at 50. That's what I'm talking about.

Floating away on Cloud 10...
Now playing: Alicia Keys - Prelude To A Kiss
via FoxyTunes

Monday, January 5, 2009

Day 4

Mood: Tired

Mode: Wired

Thoughts: So, I had a good day today. I also got embarrassed. It's nothing serious, yet, it's really, really serious. I don't even know how I could possibly let it happen. I said something that Clear ended up hearing, and she wasn't supposed to, that was between me and God.

My Cool was taken right out of me. Usually, I'm calm, cool, collected. But tonight, I bared my soul in front of someone who... intrigues me. I'm really digging her, in a way that kinda scares me.

Oh, well.

There's a first time for everything, and to be honest, here's to hoping that I'll never have to do it a second time. Take that as you will.

Off to Sandman's Land, trying to find the Queen that reigns there...

...and not be her friend.

Now playing: André 3000 - Take Off Your Cool
via FoxyTunes

Friday, January 2, 2009

Day 2

Mood: Happy

Mode: Mind Racing

Thoughts: Thinking about Clear. Thinking maybe when I least expected it, someone Bush'ed me. Threw a shoe at me and made me realize that everything in life happens for a reason. Kinda melancholy because I had to let some people go. Or maybe I'm just being egotistical, because they let me go a long time ago, and I finally realized it.

The tail lights on that car is fading into the twilight. I'll always love Nia and what she represents.

But I can't be what you need me to be. Not anymore. My wings are spread, and I'm out of here, to explore the world, to finally escape your shadow, to live my life the way I need to. My love for you is just a memory now. Good times. Good times, indeed.

Welcome to a new day.

Now playing: Kanye West - Street Lights
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Blog Of The Year... (Or, Peace to '08, cause '09 is mine...)

No top ten list.

No recap.

No regrets.

No looking back.

To everyone that's a part of my life, no matter big or small, thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being there for me, or, for not being there for me. You've helped me to grow up this year. You've helped me to be a kid again this year. Everything comes full circle. Whatever happened this year, let it go. Good or bad, let it go. Create new memories next year. Make new friends, and forgive old enemies.

I'm letting it all go. All of it. Whether it was me doing the hurting to somebody, or someone else to me, I'm apologizing and accepting apologies. I'm not gonna carry 27 years, 7 months and 10 days into 2009, I'm just not gonna do it. My back and shoulders hurt. No more carrying the world. Atlas, I am not.

Tabula Rasa. Everything is getting wiped clean. I'm starting fresh.

So, to everyone that reads this, know this:

I. Will. Not. Lose.


Either you're riding with me...

Or I don't know you. That's about as plain as I can put it.

The world is yours for the taking. Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero. Scito hoc super omnia... tempus neminem non manet.

Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future. Know this above all else... time waits for no man.

Happy New Year!


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