Day 87

Mood: Exhausted, emotionally.


Mode: HULK SMASH!



Thoughts: So here's the thing right?
So, if you can't understand that, then kiss my ass.

And I'm done.

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Now playing: Jay-Z - Maybe
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Day 85

I was going to write tonight.

But suddenly, I don't really feel like it.

It's as if I'm getting left behind by everybody, and no matter how fast I run, how hard I pedal, or how much gas I give the car, I'm stuck going nowhere.

I feel like Good Luck Chuck, only instead of being in a horrible vehicle starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba that's taking their careers down the drain, I'm actually living out my life. And in this life, it seems that every person I meet has like this... this situation. And I come along, and I give out my little 2 cents of bullshit and they move on... to better things. It's like, as soon as I meet someone in their current fucked up situation, their situation AUTOMATICALLY gets better.

Ugh, that's not it either.

I don't know how I feel right now. Seriously, it's like I want to sleep for like 4 and a half days, wake up, and become a walking hermit. I want to do what Forrest Gump did after Jenny declined his marriage proposal:

Run.

I don't know where I would go, I don't know what I would do, but I do know that I would run. Would I feel better? Who knows. It's just that right now, I have a lot of questions.

And they aren't being answered.

Because the questions are about me.

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to answer them.

Day 78 (Mario's Lament)

I did it all for you.

I tripped on mushrooms. Ate so many, I think I may have lost my mind.

I stacked money, to get a better life, so I could rescue you and give you a better life.

I stomped on heads, I kicked shells, I kicked butt, I even fought a giant dragon, numerous times, all for you.

I collected a bouquet of flowers for you, but you don't care. I even reached for the stars. And every time I think I've found you, you're never there.

I did it all. And it was for you. And at the end of it all, you tell me to do it again.

What's the point? Where's the reward?

I'm a plumber. Not a rescue service.

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Now playing: Adele - That's It, I Quit, I'm Moving On (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Day 73

Mood: Melancholy


Mode: Nextel. Done.


Thoughts: I want off.


I do.


This roller coaster ride has been a blast, really, it has. When it was going up, it was thrilling and exciting, and you could look out for miles and miles, see what was ahead of you, wonder when the next turn of events is gonna be and what they will bring...

Then, here comes the downside. Now, you're scared, heart racing because you don't know what's going to happen next. Stomach feels like it about to come out of your throat. Everything is rushing past you so fast, it's all a blur. You want to be excited, but it's hard because in the back of your mind, anything could go wrong at any time. You're screaming, holding on for dear life, trying to figure out why you even got on this ride in the first place...

And then, here's the upswing. And so on, and so on, ad infinitum.


I just want off. I'm tired. I know how this thing goes. Trust me, I've ridden it enough. No need to get all excited on the first drop, or second, or third. Whee. Been here before. And clocking in at 2 minutes 37 seconds, it's... the end of the ride.

Unbuckle me. Please. I'm tired. I quit.

I don't want to ride anymore rides.

I'm tired of waiting in line.

I'm tired of overpriced admission costs.

I'm tired of being skipped by people.

It's hot out here. There's no shade.



I want to go home.

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Now playing: Foo Fighters - Tired of You
via FoxyTunes

Day 66

Mood: Tired


Mode: Old


Thoughts: I used to be a party animal.

At 15, I started hitting the young clubs and dances. I knew in my mind, the party didn't start until me and my crew rolled through. We came in, shut the party down, had fun in the process.

By the time I reached 18, I had done and seen most of the things that happen in the club; the wallflowers blooming, the drunks weaving, the freaks gyrating, the lovers rocking. Shy guys playing the tough role, tough guys playing shy, both with the same goal; to get the girls to go home with them.

I've seen the women who wouldn't dress like that, dress like that. Breasts perked up, 3 inch heels, skirt with no panties, ready to go... and get attention. They love the attention, whether it's from a guy who they'll let buy them a drink, or the guy who acts as if the female in question is invisible. Doesn't matter.

I've seen dudes have the light bulb go off and KNOW the next drink is the last drink because they are going to pass out, and yet, they drink anyway. I've seen the jealous boyfriend let his girl dress in a seductive way, and get mad at EVERY dude in the club because he's looking. I've seen the group of girls come in, low tops, high skirts, everything hanging out, making sure that they are the center of attention, just to get free drinks for the night. I've seen the flyest woman there have her D.U.F.F. (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) with her, gassing her up, making the D.U.F.F. work to get her flyest friend all the free food and drinks for the night. I've seen Security throw people out, break up fights, cause a couple of fights, and have sex on the floor. I've seen the DJ go from super hero status to super zero status with one song. I've seen the DJ get head while he's spinning. I've been to the hole in the walls, the sweat boxes, the house parties.

And I can say with a straight face, I'm done with it all.

Tonight, I went out with some female companions. After paying our way in, I was immediately reminded of why I quit doing this years ago. Guys looking at my friends as if they were a showcase of breasts and ass, then immediately looking at me as if I robbed their mother. Women staring at me, trying to figure out if I'm either gay, or just some poor soul who got dragged out with his girl and her friends. Waitresses running around half naked, serving watered down alcohol, cold food, and even colder stares for tips. The DJ cutting the latest record from Jamie Foxx about passing the blame, so the dance floor is packed. Dudes that have no rhythm, dancing like their life depended on it, and the women who stick around only for the inevitable drink offer afterwards. We immediately post up at a table and chair. We get our overpriced drinks, and we survey the land.

At this point and time, the DJ has decided to quit his job. Either that, or he sucks ass, because at that very moment, he starts to play Techno Cher. Looking around, I had to make sure I went to the right club. My friends are also confused by this exchange. The dance floor clears immediately. People start leaving, so we find an empty couch and chair area to sit at. We move over there, and look at the menu they have placed. Spring rolls? Sushi? Garbanzo Bean Dip? What the hell are you serving here, pseudo exotic foods?

As we see the waitress come over to place our non-existent order, another waitress interrupts her and informs up that since we started a tab at the bar, we must remain at the bar all night. Shaking our heads, we go back to the bar. At this point, me and my friend Rachel are standing around, and we see a group of guys (frat, Navy, groomsmen, etc.) walk towards us to the dance floor. In this group, one guy, and I don't know which, has decided that enough is enough, he needs to hurl right now. He proceeds to throw up on the floor, right beside us. I don't immediately notice, but Rachel, who's wearing flats, feels the warm spatter of liquid splash on her. At first she thinks someone dropped their drink (normal), until she looks and sees chunks of food on the floor mixed in the liquid (not normal). I look down, and see the bottom of my cream slacks speckled with... vomit. I immediately turn to the group of guys and start with the berating. Security comes over and I explain to them that there is a spill on the floor. The guard actually laughs and goes to get a mop.

At this point, I'm ready to walk out, and everyone else has decided that their time is up as well. We walk outside, and we see drunken ladies pulling their skirts up and down in an eternal battle of tug of war, guys pleading to the cops to let them go, cops trying to pull over all the cars with loud music.

And in my head, I'm wondering, was this worth me coming out of the house tonight? Was this worth the money I paid?

The answer, short and simple, is no.

Sorry, Ron Brows, I will not be jumping out of a window to your song in the club. Actually, the next time I hear that stupid excuse for music, I think I might pull a Erick Sermon and jump out the window for real.

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Now playing: Kanye West - Flashing Lights (Ft. Dwele)
via FoxyTunes

Day 63

Mood: Happy

Mode: Communicative


Thoughts: I've had the craziest week possible.

And it's only Wednesday.


My favorite Enigma came home on Sunday. I missed her, and she's only been gone for 3 weeks. We decided to go bowling Monday night. Me, her, my brother and his wife played 3 games of bowling. When we first got there, we went to do shoe rental and pay for the games. In front of us, there was a handsome little boy standing in front of me. He turned and looked at me and I knew who it was immediately. He was a bit confused, he hadn't seen me in almost a year, but he had this feeling that he knew who it was. He walked off with the person he was with and we started to bowl.

Well, of course, life is funny. Sometimes, things happen that are totally out of your control, and the only thing you can do is ride it out. As we're bowling, I look up front and see...


The Virgo.


To borrow from Chuck Ham, well, isn't this awkward.

I saw her first, she didn't see me. I decided to play cool, fall back, not announce my presence. But of course, me and my family, we stick out like sore thumbs. After about 15 minutes, she sees me, and comes running over, arms open wide, smiling all the way.

To me, it looks as if she's coming with a pair of scissors to cut open a wound I had closed at the close of last year.

She hugs me, but I'm hesitant to return the hug. Her greeting was sincere, my greeting was unsure. Her face was warm and ready to jump back into the dance, my face told her that my feet hurt from dancing with her for too long.

She immediately reads me; she knows how I am, and all the warmth disappears from her body. She turns and greets my brother and sister. I want to introduce her to my Enigma, but instead, I shrug it off. She goes back and gets her son so he can speak. I speak softly, I don't even think he heard me.

Apparently, she got the picture, and she went back with her bowling party. My Enigma simply smiles at me, comes and hugs me, rubs my back. She, with her female prowess, knows who that was without me having to tell her (also with a little help from my sister), and she doesn't even ask. She simply holds my hand and lets me know it's my turn to bowl.

That next day, I thought about my actions the night before. I wonder if I was too cold to her. I hadn't see her in almost a year, and our separation wasn't what I would call amicable.

Then I thought about everything that we went through. And I decided that I was kinda justified in my actions.

No matter if I was wrong or right, she still could've called. She still could've let me know she was mad at me, instead of acting as if I never existed. With that act, it let me know what to do the next time we were to meet.

And that happened Monday. And I simply mirrored her actions from the months beforehand.


Do I love her? Somewhere in my heart, I guess I do. It'll always be there, and I'll never forget her, no matter how hard I may try.

But I've settled my tab. I've paid my dues. I let her go.



And this time, I broke the rearview mirror. No looking back. Just moving forward.

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Now playing: Foreign Exchange - Daykeeper
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