Wednesday, March 19, 2008

...finish last. (Or, She's Just Not That Into You...)

We've all heard the phrase.

Whether you're saying the phrase or hearing it, you know the phrase.

"Nice guys finish last."

For a while, I believed it. All through high school, some parts of college, even in my breakup with my then-fiancée, I knew that because I was considered "the nice guy", I was subject to getting walked all over, shunned, placed in the Friend Zone, and completely ignored.

Now, as I've grown older, I realize that it is all BULLSHIT.

Here, let me spell it out for you so you can understand it. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

I am what's considered a caregiver. As far as evolution goes, I'm a provider. I provide what women need; friendship, companionship, loyalty, respect, kindness, understanding, etc. I am that guy that females wouldn't mind spending the rest of their lives with. I am the model man that women always say they want. "I wish I could find a guy just like you." But not me. Why?

I'm unattractive.

That may sound harsh, but on a genetic level, I am. I'm considered ugly, according to most women's DNA. Physically, I'm not what women want. Physically, I'm the farthest you could get from being even somewhat cute.

Look at it this way.

Since the beginning, men have been considered as being genetically predisposed to "be fruitful and multiply". Now, before you go into something completely different, let's look at women. Women, in a manner of speaking, have been considered to look for men whose genes will produce male offspring with the best chance of reproductive success. I know I'm digging into human sexuality behaviors here, but that's the point, isn't it? For humans to continue to have successful offspring?

I think so.

So, why wouldn't a woman want her future son to be genetically beautiful, while at the same time, be provided for by a caregiver? (I'm saving that whole argument for another post...)

There are men out there who has both the beauty and the brains. Those men are few and far between, not because they don't exist (they do) but because they are either hidden or already taken. Then, there's the men with the beauty, and following the command of their genetics to a T, are out there spreading the love to any woman who wants it, like a modern day Johnny Appleseed; or they are also taken.

Then there's the brains. Me. People like me. The caregivers. The ones who provide the stable home, the security, the friendship role. We are the ones the females finally go for after the beauty has faded. No longer hindered by their biological clock, they now search for the security of being stable with someone who actually knows how to fulfill every aspect needed from a life mate. Well, except for the offspring. But they are no longer in need of that.

Society often speaks of the men who are with women half their age. Rarely are there talks about the women who search for men half their age physically, but mentally, they are the providers. However, they do exist. There are more women who are looking for marriage material after they have had children than there are women who's searching for such beforehand.

Often, I've felt I've been born into the wrong age. Now, I realize, I have been born about 15 years too late.

Tonight, I finally finished a homework assignment given to me by The Virgo. She wanted me to ask around and see exactly what qualities I possessed that put me into the "Friend Zone" almost every single time. I asked 8 different women*; women who, in the past, I've either asked out or wanted to. These 8 women do not know each other, and with the exception of 2, have never met. They do not talk to each other on a daily basis. I asked the question, and with ALL 8, I got the SAME response, the only varying point being sentence structure.

When giving a description of what they thought of me when they first met me, all 8 said that I was, get this, a nice guy. Well, that was no surprise. But the surprise came when I asked about the ex-boyfriends/husbands/asshats they dated. Just take a wild guess what they said they were thinking when the women first met those men.

"I thought he was an attractive man..."

See the difference between me and them now? I'm just nice, those guys are attractive. When I asked what attracted the females to those males, you know the answer I got?

"I don't know, it was just something about him..."

Genetically, I don't have the DNA to compare to the attractive men. I'm only the caregiver.

The provider.

She's just not that into me. And it's not her fault, it's my genetics. I'm sought out solely for my abilities for being a life partner, not for my attractiveness. In the last post, I said I was the dick in the glass case. Expanding on that, I'm the ace in the hole. I'm the one women will flock to as soon as the attractiveness phase passes. Psychology wise, if I were to change who I was just to get out of the Friend Zone, the 8 women would view it as desperation, and one of two things will happen; either I'll lose them completely because I've "changed for the worst", or I'll just place myself deeper into the Friend Zone.

After all of this, I could say I'm talking out the side of my neck. Tomorrow, I could meet someone who would excite me mentally as well as physically and emotionally, and she'll become someone who I could have a long lasting relationship with while also being my best friend. And on a genetic level, she could want to be with me for both the beauty AND the brains.

But I doubt it.

Evolution is playing against me. I don't think I could win against thousands and thousands of years of selection.

I'll always be hopeful. But right now, I'm just jaded. Nobody remembers second place. Second place is just first loser. And I'm the nice guy.

Just guess where I'll finish.

* One of those 8 women, actually, the last woman I asked, was The Virgo. Needless to say, she was shocked to find out she felt the same way every other woman did.

Monday, March 3, 2008

The Friend Zone (Or, who am I to you, platonic, or catatonic?)

"Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Cause you never know. They get rid of girlfriends every six months. 'What happened to Pam?' 'She think she cute.' But they keep them platonic friends forever. Why? Cause you never know. 'What happened to Carol?' 'I can't hang with her.' But they keep them platonic friends forever. WHY? Cause you never know. You know what a platonic friend is to a woman?

It's like a dick in a glass case.

In case of emergency, break open glass." - Chris Rock, Bring The Pain

So, last night, I went out for some ice cream. Yeah, some ice cream. I went with Miss Valentine. Cold Stone is like maybe 7 minutes from where I live. We arrived there at around 9:15PM. We stayed until closing. Laughing. Talking. Joking. Enjoying each other's company. So much, in fact, we came back and talked in the parking lot for 4 more hours after that.

Somewhere during the conversation, she asked me would I still introduce her to my close friends, even if we were to just become good friends, not really going any further than that. I knew what that meant, I've heard this line of questioning before.

Somewhere, I have made the wrong turn. I was supposed to make that left at Albuquerque. Instead, I have ended up in the Friend Zone. And you know, once you're there, it's damn near impossible to get out.

The differences between the "one-ladder" ranking system of men and the "two-ladder" ranking system of women, in Ladder Theory, often lead to mutual misunderstanding, the most egregious example of which is held by LT to be the so-called "nice guy" approach. In this model, a man attempts to increase his appeal to a woman by demonstrating the qualities she has indicated that she values in another person (stereotypically, these are positive "friendship" qualities such as patience, kindness, helpfulness and consolation). To the male, this is perceived as simply increasing his overall appeal on the single ladder; for the female, however, such behaviour increases the man's rank on the "Friendship" ladder while simultaneously decreasing it on the "Partner" ladder, due to the perceived disparity in criteria between the ladders. - Ladder Theory explained

Yeah, so, at first, that's what ran through my mind, because it's been happening all my life. I meet girl. I talk to girl. Girl sees me as friendship material, or worse, her "big brother". I resume my stay here at The Friend Zone Inn.

In high school, I received all types of advice. "Don't be so nice." "Dude, you're there for her too much. fall back." "She's using you for the 80% she can't get from her 20% guy. Just leave her alone." I tried it all. Most times, I ended up losing a good friend because I honestly didn't want her as a friend, well, not in the beginning.

And even recently, look what happened with The Virgo. Yeah, so, I already knew where it was headed, and I was looking for a way out.

Miss Valentine wasn't having any of that.

She calmly explained to me that it was just a question, she had no intentions of making me stay in the Friend Zone, she didn't even want me to drive by it. She just wanted to see where my head was, and where exactly did I want this thing of ours to go. So, I'm not in the Friend Zone with her. (Not yet.)

But I am a platonic friend.

And that scares me more than being in the Friend Zone.

Chris had a good point. Once the dude that she decides she's gonna be with messes up, who the first guy she's gonna run to? Me. It's happened before. Not saying that I flat out had sex with them, but I was there for a couple of lonely nights, some lonely weekends.

I don't want that to happen to her. I don't want to be her "second choice". You know what I'm talking about. I don't want to end up as the "Plan B" guy because "Plan A" was a jackass. She shouldn't have to settle to be with me, I should rise to her expectations to make her make me "Plan A", right? Right?

Isn't that what every guy is supposed to do?

Catatonic patients will sometimes hold rigid poses for hours and will ignore any external stimuli. - Possible effects of Catatonia

The question that I have now is, do I want to be that dude that waits forever for the impossible to happen? I mean, I'm not rushing her. I just.... I'm at the point now where I know what I want out of a potential mate. Do I ignore every woman who I have a conversation with? Every woman who is mentally attractive, I let walk away? Do I.....


I wonder where I am on the chart with her. I wonder if she'll tell me.

I wonder if I'm just a vegetable or a dick in a glass case.

Either way, I'm still here. I'm still in the Friend Zone.

And there's no way out.


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