Dear... well, just Dear,
Hello. How are you? I haven't seen you in a while. I know the last time we spoke, it was kinda *ahem* awkward. And that was the last thing I wanted between us. We ended our conversation on a bad note. I think I need to clear the air, or at least attempt to show you where I'm coming from, so, here goes.
I was so wrapped up in how I felt about us, I didn't take into consideration how YOU felt about us. You told me that I was a dear friend in your eyes. You didn't feel comfortable taking it there, and yet, here I was, pushing the issue. I didn't know that after that first kiss, you didn't feel that... je ne sais pas. Afterwards, I thought maybe I could feel... love, even, enough for both of us. I was totally wrong.
We spoke over dinner last, remember? And you told me that I was too intense early on. I called every one I knew that was close to me, from my brother, to my mom, to my cousin in NY. Only one person told me something different from what you told me about me and how I love, and she told me that what I have, how I love, was both a gift and a curse. A gift, because now you knew that someone out there does love and care for you, deeply. A curse, because either you weren't ready for someone like that, or because you didn't think my love was genuine.
I know better to think the latter, so of course, I know it's the former.
You're not ready. And the irony here is, I don't think you'll ever be. Now, that's not a jab at you, not at all. It's at me, because it's tearing me apart to know that I may have found that one person who has came into my life and turned things right side up, and she'll never love me that way, not even for all the (insert thing) in (insert place).
At first, I tried to think logically. And that made me mad at you. I have to be honest, yeah, I was pissed at you. Logically, how could you say that you'll never do or feel something or some way without trying first? We didn't even try. Never once did we speak on what we felt about each other, not until it was way too late. I was thinking, if you had told me this from the beginning, if you had let me know that I was going to dream about the unattainable, I wouldn't have even bothered in the first place. Harsh, I know. But sometimes, being honest to yourself hurts people around you that you care about the most.
That lasted for about 24 hours.
I then started thinking emotionally. How could you do this to me? ME, of all people? I was there for you when (garbled thoughts), remember? And then when you was (something about S-Curls and High Yellow) and I sat there, and I sucked it up, took it on the chin like a champ (or chump, can't recall at the moment) and you, with your caring smile and happy thoughts, just kept persisting, kept calling, kept caring. And somewhere along the lines of me being mad at you and plotting against love, I fell for you. Hard. Kinda like Jake Brown.
That lasted for another 24 hours.
Finally, I started thinking realistically. You're a grown woman. A mother. A sister. A daughter. A best friend. At this point, you know what you want out of life and what steps to take to obtain said wants. Right now, I'm not in that focus. (Hell, I know I said right now, but give a brother SOME hope for the future... ahh, who am I kidding?) I don't know if I'll ever be in your plans. I mean, I WANT to be in your plans for the future, I want a future for us. However, you're human. Being human, having a mind of your own, that's called FREE WILL. You have a choice. You choose whether or not I become more than just a close friend/brother/relationship counselor. You choose whether or not I become your significant other/"friend"/somebody you know. The choice that you made, which was for us to just become me and you, I can't get mad at. I have to accept it, embrace your decision. Whether or not I think it's the right one, it doesn't matter. What matters the most is that you are happy with decision that you made.
Which leads me to right now. The decisions that we make, the things that we say, the ways that we feel, are our own. I can't, nor will I ever, try to force you to love me, or even like me. I do know that somewhere in that 3 weeks that we were "together", some of the things that you said you were feeling was true, to what extent, I don't know, but I do know that you felt that way at one point. Yes, you did love me. Yes, you were attracted to me. (And let's be real, who wouldn't be? Come on, look at me. Yeah, I'm THAT nice.) Yes, when we kissed, it wasn't just me kissing you, it was you kissing me, too. You wouldn't have said or done those things if you didn't feel that way, I've known you for a long time now, so, being facetious or mendacious isn't in your game plan, that's not who you are. At one point, I wondered if you could feel that way for me again. I prayed that I could have the strength to be what you wanted out of someone who you were in a relationship with. But I know now that those feelings, those thoughts, they have to come from YOU. There's literally nothing more that I can say or do. If you want to feel a certain way about me, you have to make that decision, not me, not anyone else.
So, I started writing this. At first, it was more of a plea than anything else, to reconsider, for us to reconcile and become what we used to be. But somewhere between the first and second sentence, I realized that if I can't have your love willingly, if you can't come to me and tell me that you love me, then for me to get your love through any other means, really isn't love. It's just me forcing my opinion on you.
And I will not do that.
We are who we want us to be. You are back to being the Captain, and I have taken on the moniker of Hitch once again. Just know that my love for you has not faded, the embers in my heart will not burn out, and the piece of my soul I have given to you will never be replaced with someone else.
She Hate Me