Thursday, October 25, 2007

I wonder... (Or, I got some questions....)

"You say he gets on your fucking nerves
You hope that he gets what he deserves, word?/
Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just trying to find where the tissue is./
You can still be who you wish you is,
It ain't happen yet, and that's what intuition is./
When you hop back in the car,
Drive back to the crib, run back to their arms,/
The smoke screens, the chokes and the screams,
You ever wonder what it all really means?"
~KanYe West "I Wonder"

I did, 'Ye.

I did for me. I'm doing it now for someone else.

4 years ago, I was riding high. My son had just been born, we were in the middle of making plans of getting married, everything was falling into place, just like I planned it. In a flash, everything changed. I'm now single, and completely jaded about getting married.

What happened, you ask?

That's for another post, too much to get into right now. Actually, here's a couple of tidbits. On the eve of our impending marriage, I was left for another. Someone who had "more swagger". 5 years of Love, wiped away by an ex. The same person that she left to be with me.

Karma comes back hard, doesn't she?

The Virgo is going through some tough times. I don't want to put her business all out in the interwebs, but I thought that maybe I could release some of the anxiety that I'm feeling.

"But, O, does it involve you?"

Not directly, no. But indirectly, it hurts me to see her going through this. Especially since 2 years ago, I was going through the same thing...

I always wondered if she thought about me. If there was something I could've done (or not have done) to save our relationship. An extra word here. Another gesture there. Maybe just one more "I love you".

Then, after a while, I wondered why I wondered so much.

Vex has just posted something while I was working on this. It made me realize just how many people go through the whole "relationship identity crisis".

"No longer relating to someone after years of trying is a far cry from realizing you never really knew them in the first place." - Vex

While I do agree with said statement, I believe what's even worse than not knowing your partner is changing who you are as a person and no longer knowing who you really are. It's sad, I see people changing what makes them THEM, and when the relationship is over, they become lost, not really knowing how to act, how to feel, and in some extreme cases, how to function.

The Virgo is ambivalent towards her future ex-husband. While she does care for him, and in some ways, still love him, she thinks that the marriage is beyond repair. I feel for her. I sympathize with her, I do.

I was one of the ones who almost lost myself for my relationship. The things that I enjoyed doing, the places that I enjoyed visiting, the person that I am now, I changed, just to satisfy her. True, in a relationship, you're supposed to compromise, to work together to make that relationship work. But when you start putting in too much, when you move beyond compromise, i.e. changing who you are as a person, you're no longer working towards the same goal.

I was working to keep her. Why? Because I got comfortable. Because she felt safe.

That's the thing that scares me the most with The Virgo, that she'll revert back to settling for whatever gets thrown her way. Her husband is not good for her. She's not the same person she wanted to be, nor is she the same person she knows she is. She started to become an introvert, just to pacify his jealousy of her being the outgoing woman she was when they met. She no longer enjoys being outgoing, and now, even after they have separated, she doesn't know what to do with herself. The future scares her, where as, in the past, the future was something exciting, and something that she was ready to face head on. Now, she wonders if he could make some changes, if they could get back together again.

He won't change. She wants her safety net back. Why challenge the unknown, when you can be with what you already know and have gotten used to? You're already used to the fights, the arguments, him saying one thing, and him doing something else. The lies. The threats. No need to throw that all away to face the unknown, right?

People fear what they don't know. She fears a future without him. She wonders about him. I wonder about The Virgo.

I wonder what it all really means.

To be continued...


amanda said...

Found this blog from Vex's. Glad I did, too.

It's uncanny how much I can relate to this post, and how much I struggle with the issues you brought up here. It's a painful, deep hole that people dig themselves in when they lose themselves simply to please somebody else. It's not something easily recovered from, and in the process you lose so much and hurt so many.

The utter accuracy of this blog and the way you put together the words that I have so many problems saying almost brought a tear to my eye.

Mega said...

I agree with you a little too much here. Thus, I try not to think introspectively as much. Good stuff.

And I the Dopeman beat isn't on Dont Quit Your Day Job....

Mega said...

What's up with the font changing midway through?


James said...

I can't believe you started a new blog and didn't tell me....

I guess it's back to more Guitar Hero III for me....


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