Thursday, October 25, 2007

I wonder... (Or, I got some questions....)

"You say he gets on your fucking nerves
You hope that he gets what he deserves, word?/
Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just trying to find where the tissue is./
You can still be who you wish you is,
It ain't happen yet, and that's what intuition is./
When you hop back in the car,
Drive back to the crib, run back to their arms,/
The smoke screens, the chokes and the screams,
You ever wonder what it all really means?"
~KanYe West "I Wonder"

I did, 'Ye.

I did for me. I'm doing it now for someone else.

4 years ago, I was riding high. My son had just been born, we were in the middle of making plans of getting married, everything was falling into place, just like I planned it. In a flash, everything changed. I'm now single, and completely jaded about getting married.

What happened, you ask?

That's for another post, too much to get into right now. Actually, here's a couple of tidbits. On the eve of our impending marriage, I was left for another. Someone who had "more swagger". 5 years of Love, wiped away by an ex. The same person that she left to be with me.

Karma comes back hard, doesn't she?

The Virgo is going through some tough times. I don't want to put her business all out in the interwebs, but I thought that maybe I could release some of the anxiety that I'm feeling.

"But, O, does it involve you?"

Not directly, no. But indirectly, it hurts me to see her going through this. Especially since 2 years ago, I was going through the same thing...

I always wondered if she thought about me. If there was something I could've done (or not have done) to save our relationship. An extra word here. Another gesture there. Maybe just one more "I love you".

Then, after a while, I wondered why I wondered so much.

Vex has just posted something while I was working on this. It made me realize just how many people go through the whole "relationship identity crisis".

"No longer relating to someone after years of trying is a far cry from realizing you never really knew them in the first place." - Vex

While I do agree with said statement, I believe what's even worse than not knowing your partner is changing who you are as a person and no longer knowing who you really are. It's sad, I see people changing what makes them THEM, and when the relationship is over, they become lost, not really knowing how to act, how to feel, and in some extreme cases, how to function.

The Virgo is ambivalent towards her future ex-husband. While she does care for him, and in some ways, still love him, she thinks that the marriage is beyond repair. I feel for her. I sympathize with her, I do.

I was one of the ones who almost lost myself for my relationship. The things that I enjoyed doing, the places that I enjoyed visiting, the person that I am now, I changed, just to satisfy her. True, in a relationship, you're supposed to compromise, to work together to make that relationship work. But when you start putting in too much, when you move beyond compromise, i.e. changing who you are as a person, you're no longer working towards the same goal.

I was working to keep her. Why? Because I got comfortable. Because she felt safe.

That's the thing that scares me the most with The Virgo, that she'll revert back to settling for whatever gets thrown her way. Her husband is not good for her. She's not the same person she wanted to be, nor is she the same person she knows she is. She started to become an introvert, just to pacify his jealousy of her being the outgoing woman she was when they met. She no longer enjoys being outgoing, and now, even after they have separated, she doesn't know what to do with herself. The future scares her, where as, in the past, the future was something exciting, and something that she was ready to face head on. Now, she wonders if he could make some changes, if they could get back together again.

He won't change. She wants her safety net back. Why challenge the unknown, when you can be with what you already know and have gotten used to? You're already used to the fights, the arguments, him saying one thing, and him doing something else. The lies. The threats. No need to throw that all away to face the unknown, right?

People fear what they don't know. She fears a future without him. She wonders about him. I wonder about The Virgo.

I wonder what it all really means.

To be continued...

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

An Open Letter to a Friend (Or, I could be talking about YOU...)

Dear... well, just Dear,

Hello. How are you? I haven't seen you in a while. I know the last time we spoke, it was kinda *ahem* awkward. And that was the last thing I wanted between us. We ended our conversation on a bad note. I think I need to clear the air, or at least attempt to show you where I'm coming from, so, here goes.

I was so wrapped up in how I felt about us, I didn't take into consideration how YOU felt about us. You told me that I was a dear friend in your eyes. You didn't feel comfortable taking it there, and yet, here I was, pushing the issue. I didn't know that after that first kiss, you didn't feel that... je ne sais pas. Afterwards, I thought maybe I could feel... love, even, enough for both of us. I was totally wrong.

We spoke over dinner last, remember? And you told me that I was too intense early on. I called every one I knew that was close to me, from my brother, to my mom, to my cousin in NY. Only one person told me something different from what you told me about me and how I love, and she told me that what I have, how I love, was both a gift and a curse. A gift, because now you knew that someone out there does love and care for you, deeply. A curse, because either you weren't ready for someone like that, or because you didn't think my love was genuine.

I know better to think the latter, so of course, I know it's the former.

You're not ready. And the irony here is, I don't think you'll ever be. Now, that's not a jab at you, not at all. It's at me, because it's tearing me apart to know that I may have found that one person who has came into my life and turned things right side up, and she'll never love me that way, not even for all the (insert thing) in (insert place).

At first, I tried to think logically. And that made me mad at you. I have to be honest, yeah, I was pissed at you. Logically, how could you say that you'll never do or feel something or some way without trying first? We didn't even try. Never once did we speak on what we felt about each other, not until it was way too late. I was thinking, if you had told me this from the beginning, if you had let me know that I was going to dream about the unattainable, I wouldn't have even bothered in the first place. Harsh, I know. But sometimes, being honest to yourself hurts people around you that you care about the most.

That lasted for about 24 hours.

I then started thinking emotionally. How could you do this to me? ME, of all people? I was there for you when (garbled thoughts), remember? And then when you was (something about S-Curls and High Yellow) and I sat there, and I sucked it up, took it on the chin like a champ (or chump, can't recall at the moment) and you, with your caring smile and happy thoughts, just kept persisting, kept calling, kept caring. And somewhere along the lines of me being mad at you and plotting against love, I fell for you. Hard. Kinda like Jake Brown.

That lasted for another 24 hours.

Finally, I started thinking realistically. You're a grown woman. A mother. A sister. A daughter. A best friend. At this point, you know what you want out of life and what steps to take to obtain said wants. Right now, I'm not in that focus. (Hell, I know I said right now, but give a brother SOME hope for the future... ahh, who am I kidding?) I don't know if I'll ever be in your plans. I mean, I WANT to be in your plans for the future, I want a future for us. However, you're human. Being human, having a mind of your own, that's called FREE WILL. You have a choice. You choose whether or not I become more than just a close friend/brother/relationship counselor. You choose whether or not I become your significant other/"friend"/somebody you know. The choice that you made, which was for us to just become me and you, I can't get mad at. I have to accept it, embrace your decision. Whether or not I think it's the right one, it doesn't matter. What matters the most is that you are happy with decision that you made.

Which leads me to right now. The decisions that we make, the things that we say, the ways that we feel, are our own. I can't, nor will I ever, try to force you to love me, or even like me. I do know that somewhere in that 3 weeks that we were "together", some of the things that you said you were feeling was true, to what extent, I don't know, but I do know that you felt that way at one point. Yes, you did love me. Yes, you were attracted to me. (And let's be real, who wouldn't be? Come on, look at me. Yeah, I'm THAT nice.) Yes, when we kissed, it wasn't just me kissing you, it was you kissing me, too. You wouldn't have said or done those things if you didn't feel that way, I've known you for a long time now, so, being facetious or mendacious isn't in your game plan, that's not who you are. At one point, I wondered if you could feel that way for me again. I prayed that I could have the strength to be what you wanted out of someone who you were in a relationship with. But I know now that those feelings, those thoughts, they have to come from YOU. There's literally nothing more that I can say or do. If you want to feel a certain way about me, you have to make that decision, not me, not anyone else.

So, I started writing this. At first, it was more of a plea than anything else, to reconsider, for us to reconcile and become what we used to be. But somewhere between the first and second sentence, I realized that if I can't have your love willingly, if you can't come to me and tell me that you love me, then for me to get your love through any other means, really isn't love. It's just me forcing my opinion on you.

And I will not do that.

We are who we want us to be. You are back to being the Captain, and I have taken on the moniker of Hitch once again. Just know that my love for you has not faded, the embers in my heart will not burn out, and the piece of my soul I have given to you will never be replaced with someone else.

Love always,

She Hate Me


Blog Widget by LinkWithin