Monday, December 22, 2008

Friday, December 19, 2008

Questions from the heart... (Or, Side B)

Here's to hoping this place puts you at ease
Say what? Why is it always you I have to please?
Yes I'm ok, I didn't want to fight
Hey, you got a light? *sigh* I started last night
While you on the phone away and out of sight
And I chose here cause I wanted a beer, alright?
Oh yes, you better believe I'm mad
You want me to stop scowling at you? Guess what? Too bad
I am stressed, depressed, it is a mess, I've been had
But now I know your a liar and for that I am glad
We're way past cool, right now my heart is cold
And stop all that crying, it's getting kinda old
You ARE a fool, I'm happy you see that
Really? I permit it? Is that a fact?
Get what? That all of this is just an act?
"Butterflies in the stomach?" Just an attempt to distract
Hurry up, I don't want to be seen together
Yeah, I remember you talking about forever
What do you mean, SOMEWHAT? I'll start if I want
You saying this to me, what is this, a taunt?
I...
Yeah, I slapped you, yeah, you deserved it
And because the beer was in my hand, yeah you heard it
And just to get you completely out of my hair
I guess you should know that the space has always been there
Since I met my new friend, really I gotta go
It's like you want me to say yes, but my friend is a big no-
Hello? Yeah, I'm done, I'm on the way
Look, I got to go, can we finish another day?
Because I need to go somewhere quickly
No, I'm not going to see them- I'm blushing because strictly
It's none of your business, and stay out my mind
I'm not letting you back in, you won't break me this time
I never got a STD, and you never beat me
We're not breaking up because of how you treat me
There is no new friend, and this next line is true
To answer, maybe because I never loved you

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Questions from the heart... (Or, Side A)

I'm really foreign in this situation
Wait, I mean I'm not familiar with this time and place and
Are you ok? Why did you pick here?
When did you start smoking, and what's up with that beer?
And what's up with that look? I just asked a question
Now you scowling at me, breathing like you stressed and
Sighing like you're depressed and this is just a mess and
Okay, so I lied, but I swear it was for the best and
Now we're at a point where everything isn't cool
Locked me out your heart, have me crying like I'm a fool
OK, so I'm a fool, big deal, I admit it
We argue like crazy and it's only cause you permit it
Get it? There are things you don't really recognize
Just talking about it gives me the bad case of butterflies
I'm so nervous around you, stammering and stuttering
I keep fidgeting and moving, my eyelids are fluttering
Let me start from somewhere, the lies were... mine
Wait, don't get upset, you remember that time
When I told you I love you with all my heart
As long as we're together, even when we're apart?
Well, I still love you, somewhat, hey, don't start
I'm telling you the truth, I'm not playing a part
It's just that my heart is no longer in it to win it
And it seems to me yours has been gone for a minute
...
OK, that was a tongue trap, and I deserve the slap
But did you really have to pour that beer in my lap?
I've been a good person, I don't deserve this crap
I'm putting space between us bigger than a gap-
Wait, what? The space has been there? Since when?
Oh no, forget that, tell me more about this 'friend'
Is that the reason our relationship can't mend-
Now you answer your phone, this is about to end
I'm sick of all the put-offs, end of discussion
Why should I answer that? And why are you rushing?
Going to see them? NO? So why are you blushing?
Heart is beating faster than a drum band's percussion
I can't believe we're doing this, this is ridiculous
You're acting as if I beat you or gave you Syphilis
Just one more question, and then I'm through
Do you ever wonder why I stopped loving you?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I, Omar... er, pap? (Or, Paper Mario)


Remember this?

If somebody would've told me a year ago things would be like this, I would've laughed till my sides hurt and tears exploded from my eyes...




And then laughed some more.


Of course, hindsight is 20/20, so right now, I'm not laughing. This isn't a laughing matter.

I miss her.


Then again, it isn't really her that I miss. It's what she represented.

I think I finally figured out why I was so enamored with her. Of course, I always knew what it was, even my brother (in the first 30 seconds of me meeting her) knew what the initial attraction was.

His advice?

"Leave the past behind, O. Don't do it to yourself."

Of course, that was back when I was hardheaded. Didn't learn, so of course, I did it anyway, I went after the past, chased it down like it owed me money. And since the past is 6'7" 320 of solid, Donkey Kong muscle, it beat me down like.... well... Donkey Kong.

But even if I had DK as my bodyguard, I still would've got hit.

HARD.


I think my brain hates me.

Tonight, out of the blue, I'm thinking about her again. But not The Virgo, not this time.

I'm thinking about The Leo. Never once have I called her that, I always used her other name I gave her.

You know the one.


Yeah, that one.

BM.

She used to be my Jazzy Belle.


My autophobia is kicking in again.

This is probably one of my worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) posts I've ever done, simply because I'm just putting myself out there, I'm not doing any editing or taking out, pure soul coming through here.

I do miss The Virgo, though. More for who she was, more importantly, who she was to me, than for what my initial impression of her was (which was the fact that she looked like the mother of my child). While she was in the dark about my first impression of her until I typed this, I'm guessing now if she reads this, it'll shed some light on some things.

She's long gone. Both of them. The Leo and The Virgo. Different circumstances, same result. I wasn't enough for The Leo, and I was too much for The Virgo.

Of course, the common denominator in all of this is me.

I lied.

I went back on promises.

I did the unthinkable.

I simply wasn't there.


And through all of this, I realized that as much as I write, as much as I run, I can't escape the fact that I do care.

Yes, I still care. I still love. Those feelings, they were genuine, so they never left.

But it's funny.

Those feelings diminish every single day. And I wonder to myself, will they completely fade away one day? And if/when they do fade away, will it be my fault, or theirs?

Yes, our breakups and ended friendships/relationships can be squarely placed on my shoulders. I'll take all that responsibility and I won't point fingers unless it's in my direction. But somewhere along the line, I've gotta think to myself, would these things still happen if I wasn't who I was? If I were someone else, if I did some things differently, would our breakups be different, too? Or would I have never experienced such pain?

I feel like Mario again, only this time, you can only view me in 2 dimensions, the first spark of something will cause me to catch fire, and I'm really easy to see through. I am a Paper Mario, one who is around to only save the princess. The problem comes in when Mario is the one who needs saving, not the princess.





So, who'll save Mario?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Rock the Casbah (Or, The Return pt. 4)

Standing in front of her house, he pauses.

A lot of things ran though his head in the past 2 weeks. It took him that long to muster up the courage to even say something related to her, not to mention to come see her. As the wind blows, he pulls his coat closed tighter. He can't figure out why it's taking him too long to go up to the Victorian-styled home. Her black Chevy is parked out front; he knows she's home, so that's not it.



He's scared.

Is it rejection? Maybe. What about some resentment still lingering inside of him? Possibly. Or is he just remorseful for what he's done? Oh yeah.

Taking a deep breath, he goes up front to ring the bell. As soon as he places his finger on the bell, the door pops open. And there she was. Standing 5 feet even, she was even more beautiful than he remembered. Not seeing her for six months would do it to any number of people, but her beauty rivaled even Aphrodite. Beautiful shoulder-length dark brown chestnut hair, small freckles around her nose and peppered on her cheeks, kittenish dark brown eyes, and a beautiful smile.

Of course, that smile quickly disappeared.

She sneered. "What are you doing here?"

Stammering, he spoke. "I-I need to talk to you."

"For what? I don't have anything to say to someone who lies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go-"

He cuts her off. "Will you just hear me out? Please? I'm begging you."

She looks at her watch. "You've got 3 minutes. Go."

He sighs. He can't even look her in the face, much less her eyes. Staring at the ground, he didn't know really where to begin. 2 weeks of practicing what he was going to say, and now, in the moment of truth, it gets thrown out the window. So he starts from the only logical place he could. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for lying to you. I didn't know that my... I didn't mean...
I just wanted to be everything you were looking for in a man, you know? And I wanted to be what you wanted, so I tried my hardest to be that. And along the way, I made some mistakes, did things I shouldn't have to, and then tried to cover them up. But I've always been there for you, no matter what it was. I even tried to help you get with someone else knowing that it was breaking my heart-"

She twists her face into disgust. "Breaking your heart? Is that what this is all about, how I broke YOUR heart? What about my heart? What about what I was feeling about you? You LEFT me. Gone, vanished without a trace for 6 months, and now, all of a sudden you show back up on my doorstep like I'm supposed to say 'You're forgiven'? Hell no. I won't subject myself to that kind of pain anymore. I gotta go."

His eyes widen, he gets nervous. "Wait! Wait. Yes, I left. I left, not only you, but everybody! My family, my friends, EVERYBODY. I cared about you enough to leave, remember? I secluded myself from everybody, it wasn't just you."

"Seclusion? Is that what this was?"

He shakes his head. "No, but you can call it that."

"I call it being irresponsible. Unappreciative. And most of all, selfish."

"How could you call ME selfish? I lied to try to please YOU. I made myself a new person for YOU. I did everything possible to spend the rest of my life with YOU. I loved you! I-"

"Loved?" She scoffs. "So, you don't love me anymore?"

He replies, "About as much as you love me. Tel me something, do you love me? Did you ever?"

She shakes her head and starts to walk towards her car. "Ant, I don't have-" She stops in mid-sentence and looks at him. She whispers, "Oh, no."

He craned his head towards her. He walks with his ear leading the way to her. "Wait. What did you say?"

"I didn't say-"

"No, have I been away that long that you don't even know my name? It certainly isn't Ant." He laughs quietly. "Is that what this was all about? I reminded you so much of him, you started thinking I was him! And then, when I made myself into a image that you wanted, I made myself into him, am I right? Then all of a sudden, I'm just like him, a liar, a cheat, argumentative, violent, hmm? Am I getting warm? Is THIS why you never wanted a relationship with me? Did you ever consider what you were doing to me, day in and day out? One day you love me, the next day Ant is making you consider staying married, Bobby wants back in, you call Joesph and tell him you miss him, and these guys treated you a LOT worse than I did. But you'll call me for all the advice in the world. When your best friend suggested that you forget them and get with me, what did you tell her? You didn't love me. But you ran to me every day. My family saw the toll it was taking on me, and when I finally snapped and burned down every bridge leading to my island, you stood back and said 'Oh well' instead of coming to rescue me! You could've-"

She stops me. "Rescue you? It wasn't my JOB to rescue you! I thought that I had a better chance at a relationship with those guys than you, can you understand that?"

"So why didn't you come tell me that, instead of going to dinner with me, sitting in my lap, going with me to the riverbank and making out all night, having me parade you in front of my mother like you were somebody special, when all you wanted was free advice?!? I could've given you that without you playing with my heart!"

"I couldn't come tell you that..." Tears was flowing down her face. "... because I didn't... I mean, I did... but I..."

A voice spoke to her, seeming out of nowhere. "Tell him. Tell him you love him, or you'll lose him. We'll all lose him." She recognized the voice as the caller from 2 weeks ago. She looked around wildly, twisting her head this way and that, trying to find out where it came from. He looked at her as if she was watching a fly buzz around her head, or that she finally lost it. She spoke out loud, "Where are you? Show yourself! You can't make me tell him that I love him! You can't make me forgive him. I have a choice to be happy, to not get stares from people because of who he is! I have a choice to not tell anybody about him! Why should I? He's mine! What if I don't want to share him with anyone else, did you ever think of that?!?"

"Oh yes, I did. And believe me, I want to do the same thing."

His mouth fell open. The first thing that hit him, even before the voice was heard and recognized by his brain was the smell of jasmine. He turned around and saw the same woman from the library. She was wearing all white, her Décolletage dress showing off some skin. She was the prettiest caramel color he had ever witnessed, and her eyes was as green as an emerald. Her long, dark auburn hair fell over her shoulders, she had a beautiful face, and those eyes... it was like she was staring right into him.

They spoke at the same time.

"You. You were the person that called me the other night!" "You're the woman from the library!"

Serendipity turned and answered her first. "Yes, yes I was the woman on the phone. And you've just made a mistake. What did I tell you? I told you to be honest with him, tell him you love him, tell him you forgive him, because in reality it was stupid anyway, the reason for you being mad. And you couldn't do it." Serendipity glared at her, she glowered right back.

He interrupted the stare down between the two ladies. "Ma'am, who are you? More importantly, where did you come from?"

Serendipity looked at him, and for the first time in his life, he saw the personification of Love staring at him. She smiled sweetly and said, "My name is Serendipity. And to answer your second question, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me."


A male voice shouted out, "Why don't you try him, you've come this far, haven't you?"

Serendipity's smile faded quickly. She looked behind the other woman and saw Alan. "Alan, what are you doing here?"

Alan smiled faintly but morbidly. "Watching an angel return to Earth to become human. That is what you're about to do, aren't you?"

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Paging Ms. White (Or, The Return pt. 3)

"You know, you could get yourself in SO much trouble."


I jumped like I was Mario on a springboard. Alan was standing in my kitchen, standing about 5'11", wearing a white suit with a black tie. With dark brown hair, hazel eyes and broad shoulders, he looked every bit like a model stepping out of a GQ magazine. Perfectly sculpted, his body looked to be made of the same marble that Michaelangelo used to make David.


Surprised, I ask, "Alan? What are you doing here?"

Alan smiles. "You know, Serendipity, I know all about what you're doing."

I stutter. "Y-you do?" I scoff jokingly. "And what am I doing?"

Alan shakes his head. Walking past me to my fridge, he opens the door and takes out a bottle of 1800. He walks over to my cabinet and gets 4 glasses. Popping open the bottle, he pours out 2 shots of the tequila, and slides me one and a empty glass. He takes a mouthful of tequila, and then he spits it out in the empty glass. Staring at the bottle of tequila, he sighs. Finally, he speaks. "Living up to your name sake, that's what."

"How so?"

"You were looking for one thing, and found something else entirely, something that pleases you wholeheartedly, and you're glowing. But you better be careful, because you know what happens-"

I cut him off. "I know. But, to be honest, I can't help it. I'm supposed to, anyway."

He raises an eyebrow. "Are you really?"

I smile slightly. "I think so."

He pauses. Looking at his glass, he takes another mouthful, swishes it around, and spits it into the other glass. "What makes you think you're different from everybody else? You think that because you love him, because you care so much for him, that you can step outside of your boundaries, and do what you want? And calling his ex? That's a big no-no. You know that."

She frowns. "So, you were told to come see me and reprimand me?"

"Not reprimand, Dip, but just talk to you. You're taking your job a bit too seriously."

I laughed ruefully. "Too seriously? I think most time, people don't take their jobs seriously enough! So, I'm putting in extra work, big deal. How many times have YOU put in extra work?"

"That's different, Dip, and you kno-"

I interrupt him. "Different how? You did it. And look where it got you."

He places the glass back on the table. "Yes, look where it got me. Do you think that for one second I regret what I did? No, I don't. But it doesn't mean that I don't think about what would have happened if I didn't do any extra work, but just the work assigned. Sometimes, it's ok to be normal."

I almost choke on my tequila. I spit it out into the empty glass. "When have you ever know me to be normal, Alan?"

He laughs. "I've known you for YEARS, and you've been everything but normal, that's true. But try being normal for once, you might like it."

"Alan, I can't stop. I've already gone too far. He knows what I said to him is the truth, and he's a bright man, he'll figure it out soon. Besides, she's on her way to see him," Alan stands up to interrupt me, but I continue, "and I'm not going to interfere in what's about to happen."

He smiles slightly. "Good. Let it happen. Let's see if he is as strong as you think he is."

I shake my head. "Alan, that's the point, I don't think he's that strong right now. If she says something wrong to him, we're gonna lose him, all of us. I don't want to-"

"STOP THINKING IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, DIP," he screams. Straightening his tie, he clears his throat. "I'm sorry for yelling. But it's not about you. It's about his mother, his family, his friends. You just met him, what makes you think he's gonna be as worried about you as you are about him?"

I shake my head. "I don't know, but then again, I DO know. Confusing, I know, but it's how I feel. He's mine, Alan. All the way. And if she hurts him..."

Taking the last of his tequila into his mouth and spitting it out, he sighs. "Just who do you think you are, Dip? Brad Pitt? You're a Grigori. A watcher. That's what you're supposed to do, watch, not interfere, not fall in love with the human you're assigned, but to watch over them, make sure that they don't get an early exit from here. Get it? Besides, even if he were to fall in love with you as well, don't forget, you're ill equipped to handle a human relationship. I don't know where you get this idea of 'Love', but you weren't built with that emotion."

I stare at him. "And you were?"

"I... I can't answer that."

I smirk. "Exactly. I don't know, but I feel like I was built differently from everybody else, just like you were. I'm nowhere near a Seraph, like you," Alan frowns, "but I AM different. He made me that way. And I'm not going to stop now. I love him, Alan."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Serendipity, are you prepared for the fallout that's going to happen?"

I think for a moment. "If it means that he knows how I feel, then, yes, yes I am."

Alan walks to my front door and opens it. Without turning around, he says "At least if this shot at love doesn't work, you'll be able to get a shot of tequila."


As the door closes, I spit out the drink. "Tequila. Yeah, right."

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I used to love him... (Or, The Return pt. 2)

She looks at the receiver in her hand in disgust. She hangs up the phone.

Sighing, she turns and walks to her bathroom. Looking in the mirror, she wonders what happened. What made him leave her all alone for all this time, and then think that he could just drop back in her life like he's so... so... special. Just who do he think he is?

She feels the hot tears fall down her face. She missed him, and she was so worried about him. He didn't have to lie, she would've loved him anyway. Of course, she thought, I would've never told him. Maybe that was the problem. He knew she knew about him, but at the same time, she knew that he knew about her. She knew he covered up about a couple of mistakes he made in his life, but was that as bad as her covering up the fact that she was madly and deeply in love with him?

That was my mistake, she thought. Wiping away the tears, she shook her head. She could've told him, actually she could've saved him, had she just been honest with herself. Sure, everything isn't her fault, he takes most of the blame, but she asked herself if you see someone drowning and you've got the lifeline, do you throw it to them or watch them fade away?

Walking back into the bedroom, she gets dressed. If he was returning, there was only one of two places he could be. She figured she'd better find him first, before he finds her. He's gonna be sad, she can feel it. She left him hanging, on purpose.

Her life was going fine. She had just started back dating again, and she met this guy. He was what she thought she needed in her life, and she dropped everything to get this guy. Then, as soon as the sex went down, so did he. Left, without a trace. Changed number, changed apartment, changed everything. She shook her head. He told her that she makes herself too available too soon, and guys prey on that.

She knew he was right.

And she hated that about him. She hated everything about him, how he looked, how he dressed, how he went though life as if everything was going to be ok one day, no matter what the odds were that he was facing, how he was so chipper all the time, how he always gave the best advice, how he never fussed when she didn't follow the advice and came back for more. She hated that he just had to be right, even when he told her...

She shook that thought off. She doesn't love him. And he doesn't love her. If he did, he would've never lied to her, he would've never had her so worried. He would've never left so abruptly, he would've called, he would've said SOMETHING, anything, just.... She'll never forgive him, never. Once bitten, twice shy. She's not going back to him, even though she needs him, she loves him, she loves his smile, his smarts, his nicknames, his kiss... She told him that he was the most passionate man she's ever kissed. She could feel the love come from him in every kiss, every time he looked at her. He didn't keep secrets, not damaging secrets to her; no, he told her everything, always. He trusted her, more than he trusted some of his family. She sighed. She broke his heart, and in turn, Karma came along and broke her heart for him.

She broke down in heaving sobs.

She loves him and hates him at the same time. She don't know how that's possible, but she doesn't want to face him until she can figure that out.


The phone rings again. She looks at it, scared to pick it up. She calms down and wipes her face. She walks over to the handset and picks it up.

"Hello?"

"You don't hate him, you know. Stop acting as if what he did was any worse than what Bobby did. Or Joesph for that matter. And what about Ant? Oh, he was one of the worse. He loved you, you know that, right?"

She almost dropped the phone. Who was this woman, and how did she know so much about her? "Wh- Who are you? How did you get this number? How do you know me?"

"I know more than you think I know. I know you love him. You love him dearly. Stop acting all mad, stop pretending that you can stay mad at him and hate him forever. If you don't, you'll lose him forever."

She quizzed, "Lose him?"

"Yes, girl," the voice answered. "You'll lose him, to someone who'll treat him better, who'll tell him from jump that he don't have to lie to kick it. Who'll tell him the minute she knows that she loves him and won't drag him through heaven and hell every single day. What was the meaning of telling him you love him, and then taking your love away from him? Things like that, it sticks with him for a long time. 2 others have already done it to him, and now, you, the person who told him that you trust him with your life, did it to him, too. Hmmph, if I was him, I wouldn't talk about you ever again. But I'm not him. He's a special guy, and you know it."

She screamed, "Who are you? Who are you to tell me how I feel about him? I hate him, yes, I do! I hate him for lying and then leaving, especially when I needed him the most! I hate the fact that... that..."

"That what?"

She cried out. She sobbed. "That I love him so much!"

The voice was eerily cold and flat, but she could hear the emotion in every syllable she spoke.

"Then tell him. Before we all lose him."

And the line went dead.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Return... (No 'or' this time... or is it?)

The first thing that hits him is the crisp, cold November-in-VA air. His lungs scream in excitement, haven't had air like this in a long time. He greets a group of people standing outside, happy for human contact that's pleasant. He starts walking down the road, listening to the leaves crunch underfoot, smelling the last of the fresh cut grass, feeling the sun on his skin. He smiles, waving at the cars passing him by.

His thoughts go to some of the last conversations he had with the people he cared about the most. He wondered if those words would be the last words he would ever say to them. How surprised would they be if he showed up right now? Maybe surprised isn't the right word. Angry. Mad. Upset. Disappointed. Furious. He did something stupid, although, it's been a stupid ride so far. Stupid in the sense that he actually thought he could make plans and have them work. He shakes it off as he reaches the end of the road. There's 2 directions he could go in, either left or right. He smells the air, catches a scent of jasmine in the air coming from the left, so he turns left and starts walking. About a quarter mile down, he sees a library, and starts to keep walking past it, until he realizes that the faint smell of jasmine leads down to the library. He shrugs his shoulders and heads to the library.

Inside, there is a sprawling selection of books, both fiction and non-fiction. He remembers reading a book a while ago called Choke, so he goes to look it up. The smell of jasmine is unbelievably strong now in the Fiction section. He doesn't see anyone down the isle where the book is located, so he goes and picks out the book. Flipping though the book, laughing at some of his favorite lines, he is oblivious to the female standing behind him. Finally she taps him on the shoulder.

"Hmm? I'm sorry, ma'am, am I in your way?"

She has a straight face. "No." There is a long pause. Even longer silence. Finally-

"Um, is there something I can do for you, ma'am?"

"No." She stares in his eyes, looking for something, something that he has no intent of sharing, for he just got it back.

"Okay. Wow. If you don't mind me saying so, it's really creepy to be in my personal space like this, on this cramped isle of a large library no less, and you don't want anything in particular but to stare and leer at me as if I stole your lunch money 15 years ago." No response. "That was a joke, by the way."

No smile. No facial tick. Slow blinking. Finally, she speaks. "You're not who you used to be. What you tried to get people to imagine you to be, huh? Actually, you thought no one really knew the real you, didn't you? You were scared to admit your shortcomings, so you hid them, camouflaged them, distorted them, until even you were fooled by your actions."

His mouth falls open. Stunned, he stammers "W- Well, to be honest, tha- that's none of your business. And where do you get off-"

"What bothers you the most is not the fact that you tried to cover up your mistakes, not the fact that you carried the world on your back, not the fact that you were torn between angel and demon but the fact that everyone knew who you really were but you. And they didn't care. They still loved you, and they still love you, you know that? You can't expect to be alone for the rest of your life, it's time to let go and keep it moving. You have an attractive personality, people will always be drawn to you, no matter what you do to try and push them away. Keep being yourself, just stop covering up your mistakes and take them on head on, ok?"

He looks at her, almost as if she fell from heaven above to spit his life story. The sweet smell of jasmine is coming from her. He starts to speak, but she places her finger on his lips.

"Go back. Don't run. Ever again. Stand up, stand tall. They'll forgive you, I promise. Everyone you love, and everyone that loves you will forgive you. After while, it'll just be jokes about what happened. You really are sweet, you know that? I love you, too. Didn't think that was possible, huh?" He shakes his head, her finger still on his lips. "I didn't neither, and I just met you 2 minutes ago. But I think I always knew I would meet you. I dream about you, all the time. And now, I meet you and tell you that I love you. I must be crazy, huh?" He nods his head quickly. She finally breaks a smile, then she laughs quietly. "You weren't supposed to answer like that. You see what I mean? Even when I'm being serious you have a way of making me laugh. Not many people have the gift that you have."

He gently moves her finger from his lips. "And what gift is that?"

She smiles again. "Compassion. From the heart. Even though the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, you'll gladly go there if it meant making someone extremely happy. That's what we love about you. We don't care about the half-truths and the lies, because, in the grand scheme of things, they are insignificant. We care about YOU. Me, most of all."

He shakes his head. "And there's the million dollar question. Who-"

She puts her finger to his lips again. "Never you mind. Just know that one day, you'll look back and realize that I've always been there, and will continue to be there for you, as long as there is a breath in my body." She smiles sweetly, kisses him on the lips, no tongue. She stops. And just like that, she turns around and walks away.

Halfway down the isle, she turns around and says "You're receiving the ball now. Return it for a touchdown. Don't be scared. Go all the way, for me, ok?" She walks away, turns left at the end of the row. He runs down the isle and look-

She's gone.

He doesn't see her, so he runs up and down the library, looking in all the isles, seeing if she darted down a row of books somewhere, but alas, there's no sign of her. He shakes his head and goes to return the book to the isle. He asks himself who was that woman and how did she know so much about him. When he gets to the spot to return the book, there's a piece of paper there. Sliding the book back into it's spot, he opens the paper. It reads-

"To answer your million dollar question... Love, actually."

Immediately, he smiles, folds the paper, places it into his wallet and goes to the pay phones. He dials a number, a voice picks up.

"Hello?" says the voice.

"I'm returning." He hangs up the phone.

It begins.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

320 kbps (Or, when I grow up...)


I used to have a crush on Joan Cusack. First movie I ever saw her in was Sixteen Candles. Mind you, while everyone else in the '80's was fawning after Molly Ringwald, Demi Moore, Jennifer Jason Leigh or Pheobe Cates, I had a crush on Geek Girl #1 (that was her credit for Sixteen Candles).

Five minutes is a long time to get a crush on someone, trust me.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with this, or maybe it does, hell, I won't know until I've entered the last period.

I saw High Fidelity today. I hadn't seen it since I entered college, but it came on this afternoon, and I revisited it. It seems as if I have a understanding with Rob, even if I got the idea for the question a year later in life than he did.

Rob was 26 when he caught that light bulb, and started to ask himself what was it that he was really afraid of.

Today, I asked myself the same question.

I'm afraid of being alone. I mean, almost phobia-like afraid of being alone. Autophobia is the appropriate term for that.

I think I'm afraid of growing up. I mean, I don't do exactly what is expected of me. I'm 27. I'm old, in my mind, and that scares me. I want to be loose, and free, and running wild, but there's this thing, see, and every time I think I can be as free as I want to be, this thing comes and kicks me in the ass.

I think normal people call it adulthood.

I want to be able to handle the concepts of "The Rat Race", and have a stable standing in society, but... I can't. Why can't I be socially correct in that I don't have to be someone else to be accepted, just be me?

I feel like I've had all of these expectations of me, all my life, and then, all of a sudden, my life is here, and it's starting, and I'm alone, and I'm ill-equipped to do this all by myself, so I surround myself with people who'll become more than just my friends and family, but my ENABLERS who'll enable me to keep putting on this front that everything is cool with me and that I can solve every problem that comes my way... but I can't.

I blame Toys 'R" Us. I'm serious. That damn giraffe had me singing that song "I'll never grow up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid..."

No, I can't blame them. I'm grown now. Can't shift the blame to someone else.

I'm just rambling. That's all. I'll be fine, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

LOL

Don't ask me why I just laughed at myself just then. Maybe because I sound as cynical as Rob did at the beginning of High Fidelity.

Hopefully, that's a sign that things are looking up for me.

And, no, me telling you about my crush on Joan had nothing to do with this post. Nothing at all. So, in the vein of the movie...

Top Five Movie Star Crushes of All Time.

1. Nia Long. (Come on, how obvious was that?)
2. Kerry Washington
3. Famke Janssen (it wasn't X-Men that did it, but Rounders)
4. Tichina Arnold (Little Shop of Horrors, wasn't it? And it was always Pam over Gina...lol)
5. Heather Graham (No, not JUST because of Rollergirl, but because of License to Drive. You know, that 80's flick with The Coreys in it? Remember? Ah, never mind.)

I'm outta here. LOL

(P.S. 320 KiloBytes Per Second is what's considered High Fidelity for us FLAC users, if you will...)

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Flashing Lights Re-Edit (Or, it was a side project I was working on...)

video


I hope you like it... I do. LOL

In all seriousness, this project started right after the second video appeared. I thought that Charlotte Carter-Allen (the model), was a very beautiful woman, and once I saw the video to completion, I thought that maybe the two videos should be merged into one.

Then the third one appeared. And it threw a monkey wrench into what I was doing.

So, after many edits, starts and restarts, throwaways and give-ups, I finally got a video I was happy with. While I can admit I didn't use the Dinner Mystery video much, it was only because I saw the overall theme of the three videos as KanYe having a case of "the girl who got away" blues.

I did this, not for the replies, not for the fame, but honestly, for my own personal viewing. A friend of mine saw it, and she suggested that I post it online, which I have done here.

Couple of notes:

I know the music starts before the warning disappears, I wanted to go back and sync the music to the car, but the next couple of frames prevented that. Actually, it came out better, as you can see.

The line "wood floors in the new apartment" doesn't sync with KanYe's mouth, that was my editing software, couldn't be helped or altered.

There was a couple of other edits that I wasn't too thrilled with, but I think that's me being overly judgmental of my editing skill.

Let me know what you think. Thanks!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Remember when...(Or, I'm taking a trip down memory lane...)


It was 1998.

I was 17. I remember being excited about my final year of high school. Getting ready to go to college. Goofing off in all my classes, because, at that point, the only 2 classes I needed to graduate, I took over the summer. September 8th was the day Mark McGwire (remember him?) hit his 62nd home run. The first day of my last year of school. I remember walking to the bus stop, talking to my close friend at his house...

...and meeting one of the most beautiful women I had ever set eyes on (yes, even more so than Nia Long, which, at the time for me, was impossible).

The Capricorn was 2 years my junior. About 5'5" at the time, medium length hair, beautiful smile. Caramel colored. When she spoke, it was... breathtaking. (Mind you, I was 17. This is what I was thinking when I was 17. My hormones were out of control, so the next light skinned girl that walked past me could've gotten damn near the same description...but I'm not taking anything away from The Capricorn... again, I was 17...) We said hello. And from that moment on, she was by my side. We ended up as friends, then best friends. On December 16th, we shared our first kiss, it was bound to happen, we spent every moment we could together. What got scary was, although there were more girls at my high school then who could've caught my eye (and even some who attempted to), I was focused on her. We stayed friends, didn't kiss anymore, just became closer. Well, in April of 1999, we tried to have a relationship. I asked her to prom, our parents got used to seeing us together, we were just a typical couple. But then, all of a sudden, it stopped. A week after we finally put a title to what we were doing (and no, we were not having sex) we decided that we didn't need that title, or the pressure that went along with it.

At first, I was upset. I mean, the one person who I spent all my time with, I couldn't spend another minute with her without wanting to hug her or kiss her. It was painful. Long story short (too late, I know) she moved on, and so did I.


Although we remain friends now, even to this day, we don't really seem to be as close as we were during those days. We talked earlier this week, and she told me about her ex, someone she was very close with, and how much she loved him and how much she loves him still. She misses him. And I didn't know how to process that information. Even though what we had was over 8 years ago, I still felt something there, you know? Kinda like throwing a balled up piece of paper at someone. I felt a twinge, like all of this rushed right back at me.

The Virgo asked me a while back if The Capricorn called me and told me that she wanted to get back together would I do it. I didn't answer her right away. I thought about it. All of those good feelings came back... and then I thought about how I feel about her now. I love her, I always will, she knows this. But our time, however brief, has already passed. I couldn't risk our friendship for a relationship, no matter how sweet the payoff may be. That's a hell of a gamble to take, you know?

Just reminiscing, that's all.

Things fall apart. Sometimes, it's best to leave those things that way.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

...finish last. (Or, She's Just Not That Into You...)



We've all heard the phrase.


Whether you're saying the phrase or hearing it, you know the phrase.


"Nice guys finish last."

For a while, I believed it. All through high school, some parts of college, even in my breakup with my then-fiancée, I knew that because I was considered "the nice guy", I was subject to getting walked all over, shunned, placed in the Friend Zone, and completely ignored.


Now, as I've grown older, I realize that it is all BULLSHIT.


Here, let me spell it out for you so you can understand it. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.


I am what's considered a caregiver. As far as evolution goes, I'm a provider. I provide what women need; friendship, companionship, loyalty, respect, kindness, understanding, etc. I am that guy that females wouldn't mind spending the rest of their lives with. I am the model man that women always say they want. "I wish I could find a guy just like you." But not me. Why?

I'm unattractive.

That may sound harsh, but on a genetic level, I am. I'm considered ugly, according to most women's DNA. Physically, I'm not what women want. Physically, I'm the farthest you could get from being even somewhat cute.

Look at it this way.

Since the beginning, men have been considered as being genetically predisposed to "be fruitful and multiply". Now, before you go into something completely different, let's look at women. Women, in a manner of speaking, have been considered to look for men whose genes will produce male offspring with the best chance of reproductive success. I know I'm digging into human sexuality behaviors here, but that's the point, isn't it? For humans to continue to have successful offspring?

I think so.


So, why wouldn't a woman want her future son to be genetically beautiful, while at the same time, be provided for by a caregiver? (I'm saving that whole argument for another post...)

There are men out there who has both the beauty and the brains. Those men are few and far between, not because they don't exist (they do) but because they are either hidden or already taken. Then, there's the men with the beauty, and following the command of their genetics to a T, are out there spreading the love to any woman who wants it, like a modern day Johnny Appleseed; or they are also taken.

Then there's the brains. Me. People like me. The caregivers. The ones who provide the stable home, the security, the friendship role. We are the ones the females finally go for after the beauty has faded. No longer hindered by their biological clock, they now search for the security of being stable with someone who actually knows how to fulfill every aspect needed from a life mate. Well, except for the offspring. But they are no longer in need of that.


Society often speaks of the men who are with women half their age. Rarely are there talks about the women who search for men half their age physically, but mentally, they are the providers. However, they do exist. There are more women who are looking for marriage material after they have had children than there are women who's searching for such beforehand.

Often, I've felt I've been born into the wrong age. Now, I realize, I have been born about 15 years too late.

Tonight, I finally finished a homework assignment given to me by The Virgo. She wanted me to ask around and see exactly what qualities I possessed that put me into the "Friend Zone" almost every single time. I asked 8 different women*; women who, in the past, I've either asked out or wanted to. These 8 women do not know each other, and with the exception of 2, have never met. They do not talk to each other on a daily basis. I asked the question, and with ALL 8, I got the SAME response, the only varying point being sentence structure.

When giving a description of what they thought of me when they first met me, all 8 said that I was, get this, a nice guy. Well, that was no surprise. But the surprise came when I asked about the ex-boyfriends/husbands/asshats they dated. Just take a wild guess what they said they were thinking when the women first met those men.

"I thought he was an attractive man..."


See the difference between me and them now? I'm just nice, those guys are attractive. When I asked what attracted the females to those males, you know the answer I got?

"I don't know, it was just something about him..."


Genetically, I don't have the DNA to compare to the attractive men. I'm only the caregiver.


The provider.


She's just not that into me. And it's not her fault, it's my genetics. I'm sought out solely for my abilities for being a life partner, not for my attractiveness. In the last post, I said I was the dick in the glass case. Expanding on that, I'm the ace in the hole. I'm the one women will flock to as soon as the attractiveness phase passes. Psychology wise, if I were to change who I was just to get out of the Friend Zone, the 8 women would view it as desperation, and one of two things will happen; either I'll lose them completely because I've "changed for the worst", or I'll just place myself deeper into the Friend Zone.


After all of this, I could say I'm talking out the side of my neck. Tomorrow, I could meet someone who would excite me mentally as well as physically and emotionally, and she'll become someone who I could have a long lasting relationship with while also being my best friend. And on a genetic level, she could want to be with me for both the beauty AND the brains.


But I doubt it.



Evolution is playing against me. I don't think I could win against thousands and thousands of years of selection.


I'll always be hopeful. But right now, I'm just jaded. Nobody remembers second place. Second place is just first loser. And I'm the nice guy.



Just guess where I'll finish.



* One of those 8 women, actually, the last woman I asked, was The Virgo. Needless to say, she was shocked to find out she felt the same way every other woman did.

Monday, March 3, 2008

The Friend Zone (Or, who am I to you, platonic, or catatonic?)


"Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Cause you never know. They get rid of girlfriends every six months. 'What happened to Pam?' 'She think she cute.' But they keep them platonic friends forever. Why? Cause you never know. 'What happened to Carol?' 'I can't hang with her.' But they keep them platonic friends forever. WHY? Cause you never know. You know what a platonic friend is to a woman?

It's like a dick in a glass case.

In case of emergency, break open glass." - Chris Rock, Bring The Pain

So, last night, I went out for some ice cream. Yeah, some ice cream. I went with Miss Valentine. Cold Stone is like maybe 7 minutes from where I live. We arrived there at around 9:15PM. We stayed until closing. Laughing. Talking. Joking. Enjoying each other's company. So much, in fact, we came back and talked in the parking lot for 4 more hours after that.

Somewhere during the conversation, she asked me would I still introduce her to my close friends, even if we were to just become good friends, not really going any further than that. I knew what that meant, I've heard this line of questioning before.

Somewhere, I have made the wrong turn. I was supposed to make that left at Albuquerque. Instead, I have ended up in the Friend Zone. And you know, once you're there, it's damn near impossible to get out.

The differences between the "one-ladder" ranking system of men and the "two-ladder" ranking system of women, in Ladder Theory, often lead to mutual misunderstanding, the most egregious example of which is held by LT to be the so-called "nice guy" approach. In this model, a man attempts to increase his appeal to a woman by demonstrating the qualities she has indicated that she values in another person (stereotypically, these are positive "friendship" qualities such as patience, kindness, helpfulness and consolation). To the male, this is perceived as simply increasing his overall appeal on the single ladder; for the female, however, such behaviour increases the man's rank on the "Friendship" ladder while simultaneously decreasing it on the "Partner" ladder, due to the perceived disparity in criteria between the ladders. - Ladder Theory explained

Yeah, so, at first, that's what ran through my mind, because it's been happening all my life. I meet girl. I talk to girl. Girl sees me as friendship material, or worse, her "big brother". I resume my stay here at The Friend Zone Inn.

In high school, I received all types of advice. "Don't be so nice." "Dude, you're there for her too much. fall back." "She's using you for the 80% she can't get from her 20% guy. Just leave her alone." I tried it all. Most times, I ended up losing a good friend because I honestly didn't want her as a friend, well, not in the beginning.

And even recently, look what happened with The Virgo. Yeah, so, I already knew where it was headed, and I was looking for a way out.



Miss Valentine wasn't having any of that.


She calmly explained to me that it was just a question, she had no intentions of making me stay in the Friend Zone, she didn't even want me to drive by it. She just wanted to see where my head was, and where exactly did I want this thing of ours to go. So, I'm not in the Friend Zone with her. (Not yet.)


But I am a platonic friend.

And that scares me more than being in the Friend Zone.


Chris had a good point. Once the dude that she decides she's gonna be with messes up, who the first guy she's gonna run to? Me. It's happened before. Not saying that I flat out had sex with them, but I was there for a couple of lonely nights, some lonely weekends.

I don't want that to happen to her. I don't want to be her "second choice". You know what I'm talking about. I don't want to end up as the "Plan B" guy because "Plan A" was a jackass. She shouldn't have to settle to be with me, I should rise to her expectations to make her make me "Plan A", right? Right?


Isn't that what every guy is supposed to do?


Catatonic patients will sometimes hold rigid poses for hours and will ignore any external stimuli. - Possible effects of Catatonia

The question that I have now is, do I want to be that dude that waits forever for the impossible to happen? I mean, I'm not rushing her. I just.... I'm at the point now where I know what I want out of a potential mate. Do I ignore every woman who I have a conversation with? Every woman who is mentally attractive, I let walk away? Do I.....

*sigh*


I wonder where I am on the chart with her. I wonder if she'll tell me.


I wonder if I'm just a vegetable or a dick in a glass case.






Either way, I'm still here. I'm still in the Friend Zone.

And there's no way out.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Stealing Moments...(Or, making time for you...)

The message music plays.


I get happy, because it's you. We talk all day, through work and play, speak about whatever may...


Come on! I was just joking. You know that. We laugh, laugh some more. Talk about whatever will...

Be that as it may, it's still new to me, to you, to us. Stole a whole day away from it all, just me and...

You know how you get that funny feeling? Like, when a new friendship blooms? I had it all that day. Excitement, nervousness, especially when I touched...

Your hand was by your side. A couple of times, I wanted to reach out, thought it might have been too early, you know? Sometimes, you never know when the time is right, or maybe it never will be...

Right now, I'm talking to you. Waiting on your response to silly questions, serious questions, and the like. We started talking about relationships and I started to wonder about a relationship between me and...

You said that you have high standards. I applauded you for that. Deep in my mind, I wondered if I could pass that test, with flying...

Colors of that day, the greens and purples and yellows and blues stay in my mind. Man, that was the most fun I've had in a long...

Time seems to fly when I see you. Get the urge sometimes to spend every moment with you, only because you seem to "get" me. Same music, same tastes, and I've got to admit, you look good, but it's not all about the...

Physical things we did weren't much. Shook hands here, maybe a hug there. All I can think about is the last time we saw each other. We hugged three times and each time I wondered if it would be a crime to steal a...


Moment.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Day After (Or, I forgot to give you this...)

EDIT: This is part two. For part one, click here.

Thanks!

---------------------------------------------------

"Interesting."



Dr. Wright looked at us. Just stared.


I was about to lose my mind. After I told her everything that happened last night from my point of view, all she has to say is "Interesting"?

Dr. Wright asked us as we plowed in office an hour ago why was there two new additions to her Saturday afternoon session. That's when I told her what went down.

Marisa was bouncing her leg like a furious woman. She sat beside me on one love seat. Across from us, were Robert and Natalie. I haven't said two things to my wife since yesterday. Natalie was almost vacant. Staring out of the window, chewing on her nails, she wasn't involved in the conversation at all, she just told Dr. Wright to ask me what happened.


"Natalie," Dr. Wright finally quizzed, "Is there something that you can add to this?"

Nat huffed. "I don't really have anything to say to that cheater."


I sneered at her. "Cheater? Last night was the FIRST time I've ever stepped out on you! How long have you and Robert been going at it, huh?"

Robert looked at me as if he wanted to hit me. "Hey, don't bring me into this."

Marisa snapped, "Oh, you were already in this, the minute you started with her. So, answer the question, husband. How long have you two been seeing each other behind our backs?"

Dr. Wright looked over at Robert, and waited for an answer.

He wrung his hands together. The look of worry and fear washed over him for a quick second. "Since the first night I met her."

Me and Marisa both dropped our mouths open at the same time.

Robert began. "It was... sudden. She excused herself to the bathroom. And I got that call from the office, remember? I went to the phone area, and called the office back. As soon as I hung up, she walks out of the bathroom, looking... weird. I asked her if she was ok, and she asked me how I could handle you two being friends. I told her that sometimes I couldn't handle it. It always seemed like Marisa was closer to you than me." He looked at me right in my eyes. "She agreed, said that she felt that way sometimes, and that she wished you would talk to her the way you talked to Marisa. So, we exchanged contact information. At first, it was lunch meetings. Then, we started seeing each other after work. One night, about 5 months ago, we just kissed. And since then, we've been seeing each other. I love Natalie." He held her hand. "The same way you love Marisa."

I couldn't hold it any longer. "That's why we've only had one dinner date together?!? Because you two couldn't keep it together while you were around us?!?" I pointed at Natalie. "You. You lied. Told me that we were drifting apart because I didn't understand how hard you had to work. That's the reason we ended up here in the first place-"

Dr. Wright cleared her throat. "I must apologize, but I'm going to cut this short. This is getting out of hand. Also," she looked at Natalie, "you lied to me about why you needed marriage counseling. And that, young lady, I cannot condone. Ladies, gentlemen, you can use the room as long as you like, but I say good day to all of you." And with that, she stood up, and walked out.

I stood up. "So, what now? What are we gonna do?"

Natalie looked at me. "I loved you. Loved you, even though I knew it wasn't going to work between us. Married you, even though I knew you cared for Marisa more than you did me. Tried marriage counseling, even though I knew it was my fault we were breaking down. I love you now. I always will. With that being said, it's a couple of things you might need to know before we end this."

Marisa looks at Natalie. Natalie smirks at her.

"Natalie," Marisa says softly, "don't do this..."

I look at Marisa, then look back at Natalie.

"Robert wasn't the first person I cheated on you with. Marisa was."

The initial shock took my breath away. I stammered. "I....I-I......what?"

Robert had tears in his eyes. He stood up, took off his wedding ring. "Marisa, you can have the house. I just want my stuff and the car. That's it. You'll get everything else. I'll send the papers through my lawyer. Natalie, we are through. I can't be with someone like you. It was.... fun. But it's over." He looks at me, somberly. "I hope that you can make it through this. And I feel for you, I really do. I apologize for putting you through this. Hopefully, you can forgive me. One day." And with that, he places the ring in Marisa's hand, and walks out of the room.

I look at Marisa. I wanted to slap the taste out of her mouth. My face felt hot. I couldn't think properly.

Natalie continued. "It was after our honeymoon. Marisa called you and you guys talked for about 3 hours, laughing and chuckling. And even though the conversation wasn't private, not in the least bit, I still wanted to know what she had that I didn't. So, I called her the next evening. I told her I needed to meet up with her, talk to her about you. She agreed, and we met at her house. Robert wasn't there, he was out. I told her straight up that I wanted to see what you saw in her. She broke it down, told me that you loved me, more than you ever loved anyone else, including her. I asked why did you two seem so close and why couldn't I feel some of that closeness. I wanted to see her love from her point of view. We kissed-"

Marisa yelled, "That's enough, Natalie! Stop, don't do this to him!"

Natalie snapped right back. "Do what? It's already done, and you helped it out. I want my husband back, I want to work it out with him." She looks at me. "I love you. Please, forgive me, let's just work this out, I know we can make it work."

"No."

She cried out, "No?!? Why not? Baby-"

"Don't. Don't even think for one second that you can come back... after all of this... you betrayed me, slept with my best friend, slept with her husband... and yet, you think it's something salvageable out of this? Am I supposed to just lay down and forget everything? Go home. Pack your stuff. Get out. Go to your mother's. Go to Diane's. Just go. Don't be there when I get there."

Natalie bursts into tears. She runs from the room.

I stand, back to Marisa, looking out of the window.

She walks up behind me, places her hands on my shoulders.

"Don't touch me. Traitor. How could you do this? To ME?!? I'm supposed to be your best friend. How could you keep this from me? You knew. YOU KNEW. All along, you knew. You knew when I came to you about going to marriage counseling. You knew when I was breaking down, slowly, but surely. You said NOTHING. What do I have left? What did you gain out of this? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?" I was breathing heavily. Hot tears streaked down my face.

"Because I love you. And I wanted you for myself. I planned it from the beginning. Robert was cheating on me long before he met Natalie. Natalie confided in me that night that she doesn't think it's gonna work between you two, because she doesn't love you enough to spend the rest of her life with you. I slept with Natalie, knowing that she'll do anything to keep that secret from you, including coming to marriage counseling. So, that night she met Robert, Robert played himself to a T. He hit on her when they both disappeared from the table. She fell for it, because she's a sucker for a cute face. Now, it's just me and you. We can finally admit our feelings for each other. Start over, start a relationship, and a family."

I looked at her as if she was possessed by the devil. "You LOVE me? I don't think you even know the meaning of the word. 12 years of friendship, and you throw it away because you were too scared to tell me. Start a relationship? With you? You must be crazy." I walk towards the door. "You ruined my life. I have nothing to go home to but empty drawers and echoing walls. I should slap you, choke you, make you feel all my pain. But I'm not. I'm going to leave you with this: I hope you find someone who truly loves you. Loves you more than anything else in this world. And when you finally decide to spend the rest of your life with him, he leaves you. Just like I am. Good luck, Marisa."

I walk out of the office and head towards the elevator. I hear the sobs come from the other room. Every fiber of my being wants to go console her, tell her I was wrong, that maybe we could work through this, that maybe I can be the one that can be her love forever. But the elevator doors close.



Oh well.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Happy Aniversary (Or, a million and one questions...)

Friday afternoon, 3:19PM

I walked into my office, ready to file the last of my papers and jet. I was ready to have a weekend with my wife, alone, something I have done with her since... well, since we got married. With her always working, I was always at home on the weekend, watching SportsCenter like it was going out of style.

But not this weekend.


It was our anniversary weekend. She told me she took off from her residency, she's "accidentally" leaving her BlackBerry and pager in her desk at work, and gonna concentrate on me and her.


Almost twelve months of marriage, and 3 of those, we spent in marriage counseling. We needed it. As a doctor on call, she wasn't home all the time. I filled the lonely space as much as possible, with hobbies, friends, and a lot of Xbox 360. It wasn't always like this, she was home more often, well, until the head doctor at the hospital quit all of a sudden. That was about a month after the honeymoon. Then, it went from cooking dinner for her and eating together to fast food for me, and the vending machine for her. A lot of sleepless nights followed, waiting up for her. That turned into me going to bed at 9PM. She rarely beat the sun home. 18 hour days. Spent the rest of her free time sleeping alone because I was at work.

But all of that was gonna change. I truly believed it.

After filing the last of my papers, I sit at my desk, and check my email for the last time. Two emails. One from Stanley, telling me that he needs someone to come in tomorrow, and if I could do it, it would help him out so much.

Delete.

The second came from Marisa, my partner here at the office. She was letting me know to relax and have fun this weekend, and that if I need Monday, let her know and she'll cover for me. I laugh and shake my head. She's been my friend since freshman year in college. Marisa knew all about my issues. She caught me once or twice having a moment, and she consoled me. We were friends after all, been so for 12 years and I enjoyed going out with her and her husband Robert when I was invited. Robert met Natalie once when we went to dinner together. They seemed to hit it off well, and I was hoping that we could become friends, all of us.

It'll come when it comes.


I shut my computer down, grab my coat, walked down to Marisa's office and knocked on the door. I cracked it open, peeked my head in and overheard her and her husband having a.... discussion. That's what she called them, anyway.

"Robert, we had reservations tonight at The Real Folk Blues. No, I can't just call them back and get refunds for the tickets. They're booked solid for the next week, you know it's The Roots tour coming, and after that, Erykah Badu will be here. No, I don't want to go by myself, what's the point? No, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. You couldn't say no?" She notices me and waves me in. I closed the door behind me. She sighs and says "Ok, fine. I'll call and cancel. No, it's fine, really. No, don't worry, I'll be fine. No. No. Ok. Go. Love you, too. Bye."

She hangs the phone up, shaking her head.

"Well, my plans are shot to hell. You out of here?"

I smile sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm done. Natalie should be at the house getting ready. I'm sorry to hear you won't be there tonight, it would've been fun, the four of us."

"Yeah, I really wanted to see Andre' 3000 tear the house down tonight. At least you and Nat should be getting down and having fun. Looks like it's me, some Ben and Jerry's and Tyler Perry. Are you excited?"

I smile like a kid at a candy store with 20 bucks. "You know it. Haven't been on a real date since... since we all went out last time. Shame I had to think about it, you know?"

She smiles at me too. "Yeah, but all of that will be erased this weekend. Go, get out of here. Go fix your marriage. Call me, let me know how the show goes."

I open the door. "I will, thanks. Have a good weekend."

"You too."

I go to the parking garage, put my briefcase in the car, and get ready to go home when my phone rings. It's Nat, but it's the hospital number. I knew I shouldn't have answered it, but I did anyway.

"Hello?"

"Babe, I'm so sorry."

"How late are you gonna be?"

There was a long pause. "I'm not going to make it tonight."

I snap. "Damn it, Nat, it's our anniversary. Our ANNIVERSARY. And you're gonna work through it, huh? Just like that."

"Hey, don't get mad at me. And stop yelling at me. It's my JOB. I have to be here, and I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

I suck my teeth. "Yeah, ok. Bye." I hang up the phone. I couldn't continue to go through this. I kick the car out of anger. I hear a voice fall out of the sky.

"Hey, calm down. You ok?

It was Marisa. I turn around and let her know what was going on. She comes and hugs me.

I vent. "Why does she think that she has to play SuperWoman and save the hospital? The place won't fall apart if she's not there for 1 damn weekend. I need her. Her husband. Can't they understand that?"

Marisa looks at me, sees how defeated I feel. "Hey, look. No need for these tickets to go to waste, and both of us being at the house isn't gonna cure anything. Let's go. Me and you. We can just kick it, like we did in college."

"I don't know..." I sigh.

"Hey, come on. If you don't go, I'm gonna eat all the snacks in the house. And when I come back to work Monday, I'm gonna look like I gained 50 pounds, and you know I don't like to erase all the exercise I did this week."

For some reason, that struck me as funny. I laugh out loud. She always had that ability to make me laugh. "Ok," I agreed, "We'll go. I'll stop by and pick you up at 6?"

She smiles. "6:15. You know a sister is gonna be late getting ready."



Friday night, 10:37PM

We arrived at The Real Folk Blues at 6:35. The place was already packed, waiting for Andre' to come shut it down. We sat down, ate, stood up, danced, laughed at the people coming in looking as if they came for a school dance. Andre' came over after his set and hung out with a group of us, signed some autographs, and bounced.

Marisa wore a sexy, ankle length A-Line dress with some 2 inch heels. She was looking very nice. Standing model-like, she was almost as tall as me. Without the shoes, she was 5'8", light skinned. Half Black, half Spanish, she was a natural mix, and while you had no problem noticing that she was Black, guessing what she was mixed with was an exercise in futility. People guessed everything from Puerto Rican to Dominican to Mexican, and she loved when people said Mexican, because she liked to correct them and let them know her father was from SPAIN, not Mexico.

"I feel under dressed with you tonight. If I had know you were gonna go all out, I would've done more than throw on some slacks and a button up."

She laughed. "Hey this was for Andre'. If I wasn't married.... whew. All types of sexy, that man is. ­¡Muy caliente!"

I shake my head, smiling all the while. "You are crazy. Well, it's cleared out some now, they getting ready for the live set, you ready to go?"

She frowned playfully. "You not going to dance with me? What if I don't want to go home right now?"

"Hey, I don't want to go either. But we aren't night owls, and I know you can fall asleep at the drop of a dime."

She nods her head. "You're right. Come on, let's go." We start walking to the parking lot, talking along the way.

"Marisa, I wanted to thank you for dragging me out tonight. I really appreciate it. It got my mind off my marriage for a minute, and I guess I needed that, so, thanks."

"Hey, it's not a problem. Besides, you saved me from a night of gaining pounds and crying my eyes out at Daddy's Little Girls. So, really, I should thank you." She reaches for my hand, and we hold hands on our way to the car.

"Where did we go wrong in our marriages?" she wondered. "I mean, I think I'm a pretty good wife, and I know you're an excellent husband. But it's like our spouses don't even want to be around us. I don't get it. Did I do something wrong?"

I shake my head. "No, don't blame yourself. We're just married to two workaholics. There's nothing wrong with that, yet, there's everything wrong with that. It's almost like I'm in a long distance relationship with my wife, yet we live in the same house."

"Why didn't we get together?"

I was completely taken aback by her question. "Huh?"

She kept going. "You would've expected us to get together and at least date. I mean, look, we've known each other since freshman year in college. You haven't even made so much as an awkward pass at me. At first, I thought it was because I wasn't your type, you know, and then I realized that it was because you saw me as a true friend. But I wondered if you ever thought about us... at least once...."

I sighed. Swallowed the pool of saliva that had formed in my mouth. "I would be lying if I said I didn't think about being with you. But, I mean.... I don't know..."

"I'm lonely. I haven't slept beside my husband for months. Can't remember the last time I felt his touch. You know, the UPS guy touched my hand the other day, and I felt... wow. And he's not even all that cute. I can't even believe I'm even thinking about this... but I need to feel wanted. Tonight, you made me feel good. Wanted. And I just want to know.... I mean, I need to know.... am I still desirable? If no one else wants me... does my best friend want me?"

"Marisa...."

She interrupts me. "And I'm not asking for you to start an affair. Well, maybe I am. I'm actually thinking about stepping out on my husband, but I need something, I need this, you need this. Don't you want to feel wanted too?"

"I love her, Marisa. I don't think this would be fair-"

"Fuck fair. It's not fair I can't even be a wife to my husband. And it's definitely not fair that your wife can't even take off on your anniversary, to try and let her husband act like he is her husband."

I sigh. "I can't remember the last time we were intimate. It's like I'm living by myself, or with a roommate that's never there, just shows up to pay rent and leave. Every time I try to get something started, she claims she's tired. I tried going to the counselor by myself, ask what I could do, and she doesn't help."

She grabs my hand. "Come home with me. Please. Between friends. I need you." And with that, she kisses me. Slowly at first, as if to test the waters. I pause, unsure if I want to take it there. Our first kiss was an unsure one.

Our second kiss was way more passionate. I kiss her, she kisses me, tongues moving back and forth. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I hear a soft moan come out of her mouth. I stop her, look into her eyes.

"I've always wanted you. I just thought I ended up in the friend zone with you, that we could never have an opportunity together. I had dreams about being with you, want to touch your skin, kiss your lips..."

"Then take me home. And let's enjoy each other's company. I want you," she states.


I've never driven so fast in my life.



Friday night, 11:12PM

We arrive in front of her house. I get out of the car, she's already standing outside of her door. We start kissing again, and while kissing me, she fumbles for the keys. Opening her lock, we push our way inside. She closes the door with her left foot, then places her left leg on my hip.

We kiss more and more, moving our way to the couch. She hikes her dress up and takes off her thong. I take my coat off and she unzips my pants. I can't believe that we're going here, after 12 years of friendship. She pushes me on the couch, and straddles me. I'm deep inside of her. I can hear that initial moan, I can feel that first shudder. She kisses me, and starts to ride me. Slowly, moving very deliberately, wanting to control the situation and the speed and the depth.

Her face is glowing, her eyes locked onto mine. My vision is getting blurry, she's swimming in and out of focus. She smiles. I close my eyes, feeling that first climax coming from deep inside me. I hear her say "I love you." But that wasn't Marisa's voice.


It was Natalie's.

My eyes shoot open, and Marisa has stopped completely. She starts breathing heavily, more than she was, almost hyperventilating. Then we hear the second voice say "I love you, too."


That was Robert's voice. And it came from the kitchen.


We both look over towards the kitchen and see Robert and Natalie, naked, kissing, holding hands. A sharp breath escapes from Marisa. I feel my face getting hot.

Robert sees us first. His smile melts away slowly. Natalie notices this, and her face shows concern, until she looks at us.

And the four of us, looking back and forth at each other, each one not believing what just transpired, each one finding answers to questions they had, and having a million more taking their place, has just realized what was going on the whole time.


I don't think that the marriage counselor will be ready for this.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Have you ever heard this story? (Or, am I looking into a mirror?)

"There once was a tiger-striped cat.
This cat died a million deaths and
was reborn a million times
...and was owned by various people
who he didn't care for.
The cat wasn't afraid to die...
One day,
The cat was a free cat,
A stray cat.
He met a white female cat,
And the two cats spent their days happily together,
Well, years passed by,
and the white cat died of old age.
The tiger-striped cat
cried a million times,
and then died
It never came back to life..."



I look at this and wonder.



When will it be time for me to finally let go and not be owned by anyone?



And the moment that I do, have I resigned myself to the same fate?

Am I just a being that lives a life filled with unemotional pleasures who never really lives until it finds some sort of personalized truth to hold on to?


"I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not trying..." - Jay-Z

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

New Year, New Things (Or, I'm doing things I NEVER thought I would do...)

So, 2 weeks into the new year and already, it's shaping up to be something fantastic.


I went rollerskating on Sunday.


I'm gonna let you breathe that in.




ROLLERSKATING.



I don't have any sense of balance. None, whatsoever.

But, I did the impossible, and I got out there, and it felt good. Sure, I almost fell (twice), and I only went around the rink once.... but I did it.


And I'm contemplating doing it again.


Anyway, just a quick update. I have some high hopes for this year, and if things work the way I want them to, then I'll be one happy camper come 2009.



Stay up, and remember, be GREAT in '08.

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