Monday, August 13, 2007
Let It Go (Or, It's better to have loved and lost, than to yada, yada, yada...)
I was thisclose.
I had the most interesting happened to me in the past week.
I found my voice.
And I told her the truth.
And my truth was a mirror image of her truth, she felt the same way I did.
She told me that she loved me. And I told her that I loved her.
And all was right in the world.
But of course, Cupid is a funny motherfucker. He invents this stupid ass rule that if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.
So, I let her go.
Too many variables to explain here, but to be blunt, I was too late.
Mind you, I still have her heart. But with what she's going through, I don't want to cloud her mind, she's got different things she needs to concentrate on. With school, her home situation, and things of the like, me entering her life as more than a friend is a little much for her.
And I respect that. But I don't like it.
I think I've gone half crazy.
It's bad, because I want to cry, I need to cry, I should be crying, but damn, I'm so not crying right now.
It hurts when the one you love is so close that you can almost reach out, and hold tight to what you want, only to know that even if you two get together, everything is working against you.
I feel robbed, almost violated, on a level I haven't been touched at in years.
How many of you can honestly say you've fallen in love with your best friend, only to realize one of two things; that either your love is forbidden, or that your love was doomed from the start?
For the second time in my life, I've felt the pain of a person who isn't real. First, it was Percival from Idlewild. Now, finally, after 20+ years, Mario, I can feel your pain.
Love stinks. Love sucks. Love kills slowly. Love is a battlefield.
And I still want it.