Friday, June 19, 2009

Day 169

30 posts in thirty days.

30 random facts about me.

Fun Fact #19: If provoked, I turn into my evil twin.

I'm a pretty nice guy. I am.

I have been known on more than one occasion to give my last. I will drop what I am doing and help you out if I think you need it. People have said that I am the nicest, kindest, most helpful guy they've ever met. And I am.

But I don't like idiots. I dislike pretentious idiots even more. I have no problem with people that are shallow, however, people that are shallow and are idiots and their ego's are the size of a 747 jet really grinds my gears.

So much so that I turn into my evil twin.

Today, while running errands (these are the things that I do on my day off, more work) I had to stop and pay a bill. While standing in the unnecessary long line, I noticed a young woman standing in front of me. From the back, she looked very well put together; yellow sundress with spaghetti straps, hair pulled back and off her shoulders, wedge sandals, caramel colored skin, about 5'5". She turned and made a comment about the line. She had a cute face, I'll give her that, but she tried to hide it with too much makeup. Not wanting to be rude, I responded. From there, she took total control of the conversation.

Mind you, at this point, I wasn't really in the mood to have a convo with a stranger. It's hot, I was getting kinda hungry, and this line was taking way too long. She pressed on, talking about various topics within the span of 2 minutes. Finally, I guess my brain had put auto-pilot on (which it tends to do when I'm not paying attention bored), because I cracked a joke about us getting out of there and getting something to eat.

She laughed. And I don't mean a girlish chuckle, either. I mean she laughed like I told the funniest joke in the world. She looked me up and down and said "As if someone like me would ever date someone who looks like you. You're way too big for me to ever date. Ugh, and you wear glasses? Have you ever thought about getting LASIK? It might improve your total look, not just your eyesight. And, from your style of dress, you need to make more money to get a woman, looks like what you're making right now isn't enough. You'll never get a woman like that."

*insert abrupt record stop sound*

My brain woke up. My sarcasm kicked into high gear immediately. At first, I wasn't sure if she was joking or not... but I kept looking in her face and no signs of a joke were coming out of it.

I hate being condescending, I do. But at this moment in my life, if anyone deserved it, she did.

My response? "Oh? You know, THANK YOU. Thank you. I've been waiting my WHOLE life for someone like yourself to come validate the reason why I'm not datable. I've been lost for years now, and finally, here YOU come with the answer. What would I do without you, huh? I... I'm at a lost for words. To think, you're actually ostentatious enough to believe that since I made a joke, that I want to date you. Well, wait. I think... (I'm looking closer in her face) Yep, there it goes. Your face, which is covered in enough makeup to suck the fun out of everything, has just shot my heterosexuality out of a cannon into the sun. Yes, right now, looking at you, I have just decided that being gay is a totally better alternative than to date you. Thank you."

Now mind you, when I said those things, I wasn't quiet about it. I wasn't yelling, but the person ahead of her, and the person behind me heard what I said. It didn't help that the person behind tried unsuccessfully to stifle her laugh. She looked at the person behind me, she looked at me, she looked down at the floor. Finally, she said excuse me and got out of line.

Now, at this point, my sarcasm meter went way down, my brain relaxed, and I settled back into line, all before I realized what I had said to her. I turned to the lady behind me and said "Do you think that was too harsh?" She smiled and said "No, dear, I think you did right."

Even though she said that, at first, I felt bad. It's rare that I go off like that, and even rarer that I would do it in such a public setting. I know how bad words hurt people, and if I could find her, I would apologize for the way that I said the things that I said.

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry, she deserved every bit of it. I don't like people who THINK because they are somewhat attractive that the world somehow revolves around them, and that the whole world wants them in some world wide orgy. I'm not a mean dude, not at all, but if you say or do something to me or someone I know that even Darwin himself would facepalm and say "THAT'S the winner of this century's Darwin Award!" then yes, I feel it is my duty and privilege to check you.

Well, not me.

But my evil twin.

Fun Fact #19: If provoked, I turn into my evil twin.

Now playing: Busta Rhymes - Dont Touch Me (Throw Water On 'Em)
via FoxyTunes

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