Monday, August 3, 2009

Day 214 (Coffee Candy)




The greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. - Anonymous

I kicked off this morning with some coffee candy.

Not ice cream.

Patrón XO Café. In my coffee.

I had 4 24 ounce cups. I was speeding around work like a madman. My eyes were swollen, puffy, as well as red. Not from the liquor, mind you.

But from stress. And crying.

I fell last night. Not stumble. Not down on one knee. I mean FELL. Like I jumped off a cliff last night. I did and said some things that should not have been said. That and no sleep led me to drinking liquor this morning. I don't drink like that. I did twice before (you saw one result, right?) and both times, it was an unpleasant experience.

But drinking at work? That was a new low for me. I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't even want to go in today, but I had to. Can't miss money, no matter how bad I feel. Trying to avoid the questions of "What's wrong?" "What's going on?" "What can I do to help?". It wasn't really anything anybody could do.

But by lunch time, I got tired of feeling like shit. I still blame myself for everything, and I still take full responsibility for it all happening, but I needed to get out of this funk. So, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and decided right then to K.I.M. And, for today, since I said that, there hasn't been a setback. I've been better, but I'm certainly better than I was this weekend.

I cooked some jambalaya and made some cast iron cornbread for dinner. It was good, I rather enjoyed my dinner alone. Had time to sit down and reflect. I'm trying to right my wrongs. I'm trying to fix it. But I can't. It's done. I went for broke and I broke down. While this chapter of my life is now closed, I realize that this will be my third day talking about it... and quite frankly, it needs to be my last. But before I sign off, I need to thank a couple of people.

First, to my brother (@TheStrength) and sister (@JaeKnotes). Thank you for being my guide in all of this. Thank you for not letting me quit, even though my emotions wanted me to, you guys let me know that my heart never quits, I wasn't raised to quit, and this is way too important to quit. This is my future we're talking about here. Yes, the Omie you know never quits, never taps out. And I'm still here.

To my cousin, @LSANTANA757. You've been there from the beginning. I don't need to rehash here, but you know what it is. Gold medals.

To my other brother, @Continental_Jay. Thanks for the talk yesterday. I needed that. And thanks for the drinking advice this morning. I took heed immediately.

To my broham, @ShermanHelms, thanks for the words, bro. Appreciate it.

To my lovebug, @MizLilBit. I know you're going through much worse than I am, yet you took the time out to console me. Thank you so much. I owe you some wings and some drinks. I'll come to Cali soon.

To one half of Mighty O's Angels, @DopeAlicious, thank you for keeping me in your heart. It means so much to me. I now know that all ATLien women aren't bad at all. *wink*

To @FunkPie and @mzphine, thanks for the kind words. Shai, you know I got you when we next hit up a bar.

To @SoulfulJenn, thanks for the kick in the pants. You're the main reason I quit funking around this morning. And make sure you try that recipe I gave you!

To my writing partner @darius_sinclair... *head nod* You know how it goes.

To my west coast brother @niccolus. Thanks for keeping me laughing, even when I didn't want to.

And finally, last, but certainly not least, to a person who've I've never had the pleasure to meet (yet) but is just as wonderful as her sister, sometimes even more so *wink*, Jenna. Thank you for talking to me last night and not leaving me to stew in my own juices.

To eat an egg, you must break the shell. To fail at obtaining a dream means you must first go for it. I may have lost it all, but I do know that at one point, my dreams were within reach. I had my Nia Long. I had my Prototype. I had a damn good woman. Greatness is measured not in successes but in failures. It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. My small candle is hope. It's not all gone.

Coffee Candy. Good in small doses, but horrible in large amounts.

----------------
Now playing: Mayer Hawthorne - I Wish It Would Rain
via FoxyTunes

5 comments:

Sherm said...

there's some deeply profound shit buried inside all that sorrow...i swear to God you always manage to be going through some shit at the same time as me, except you come up with some crazy-wise shit to say about it and it ends up helping ME...so.....i'm sorry? and thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Tonda said...

((hugs))

She Hate Me said...

Tonda: *hugs* Thank you too, love. You know it's hard for me right now, but as the time moves forward, so do I.

Sherm: Don't apologize, bro. If it takes for me to suffer for my brother to see the light, give me pain til I die, but please, Lord, treat him right.

Sherm said...

you're the fuckin man, bruh...you're gonna make some astoundingly lucky female the happiest woman alive. ever. you're really just an honestly good fuckin dude. such a rare thing these days.

Darius Sinclair™ said...

Pens up, hoes down. lol.

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