Saturday, August 22, 2009
Day 233 (Pistachio Almond)
A decision is the action a person must take when he has information so incomplete that the answer does not suggest itself. - Arthur William Radford
It's been 6 months since that night.
I'm on the couch holding her, watching the Real Housewives Of Atlanta. I don't know any of their names, all I know is that she wanted to watch it.
She being Ebony.
My soon to be ex-wife doesn't know that I'm here in North Carolina. It's better that way. After that night, me and Ebony began talking even more, she was driving up so we could have lunch dates and go out to dinner. At first, we were inviting Nicole, but then we started phasing her out once things got sour between me and Nicole. I started taking late lunches, "staying late" after work, but it was all to see Ebony.
Right now I'm supposed to be out of town on a business trip.
Ebony is laying on me, holding my left hand. She's twirling my wedding band around my finger.
"So, what's on your agenda when you get back home?"
"Well, I have to go back to work, I know that. I'm really enjoying my time with you, Eb."
She sighs. "So am I, Shawn, and that's part of the problem."
"I want you all to myself," she muses. "I don't want to share you with Nicole anymore. Funny, I finally found a man who I respect and like, and he's married."
I kiss the top of her head. "Well, you got me now, you know that, right?"
"Yeah, but is it bad that I want it all the time?"
I chuckle. "No, it's not bad at all. You think I don't feel the same way? Hell, I took a week vacation and flew out here to see you. I even got a hotel room and told the receptionist to hold all my messages at the desk, I'll pick them up later. Come on, you gotta admit, that's crafty."
She laughs. "Yeah, it's crafty. Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"Sure, ask away."
"Do you think that, even now, there's ever a possibility that you could work things out with Nicole?"
I sigh. "Honestly, I would like to know for my own peace of mind. If it's over between us, there's no need for us to keep going on like this. If we can work it out, then she needs to step up and let me know what we are going to do. I can't keep asking her about us, about our marriage..."
"I guess she's doing the whole Ostrich thing. If you can't see it..."
"...it isn't there. Yeah, I don't know. But... we don't need to go there."
"I don't need that, Ebony. Not tonight."
She shifts again. She's still holding my hand, still playing with my wedding band. "But you two still have an opportunity to work things out. And it would be nice to see people that I care about get what they deserve."
I scoff. "She doesn't know what she deserves. I do, that's why I'm here with you."
"What makes you say that?"
"If she did, she would stop acting like she's crazy and just admit what she knows that I know that she knows: that we need to work it out or she's gonna lose me."
She sighs. "I know that feeling all too well."
"What do you mean by that, Eb?"
"I know how it feels to know something that everyone else knows except the person that needs to know it. I've driven down that road... I got off of it."
I rub Ebony's arms. "But, what if what you think that everyone else is supposed to know is not what everyone else thinks?"
"What do you mean, Shawn?"
"Maybe we aren't supposed to be together, Ebony. I mean, good friends, even being best friends is great, but what if that's supposed to be it? What if we're trying to be Pistachio and Almonds; two nuts that think they go together, but only in certain situations?"
I expected her to get off me at that moment and start cussing me out. She doesn't move, doesn't flinch.
"You know, what-if's have ruined many a people."
"Shawn, why do you constantly think in what-ifs? Especially since the reverse can be just as true: What if we DO belong together? What if our whole lives, we've been building towards us being together?"
I shake my head. "If that was the case, that night wouldn't have happened the way that it did. It would've went down better."
"Do you think maybe it happened that way to see if we could survive it? Just think, if we can move forward from that, what else can stop us, besides us? I'm not going to run this topic in the ground... but just know that the decision is all yours."
I hold her tighter. My mind starts racing, thinking about the life I had with Nicole, how I would've waited for her, how I would've done anything in the world for her. Then I start thinking about the woman in my arms. She's almost everything I've ever wanted out of a woman. What is really holding me back? Why can I not make up my mind? Should I got back to what's familiar and comfortable or should I try something new and exciting, something that I know will make me happy in the end?
Now playing: Duffy - Hanging On Too Long