Sunday, August 30, 2009

Day 241 (Chocolate Trilogy)

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman

I miss her something fierce.

My emotions are really sharp at this moment in time. I'm putting this down tonight as a time stamp on how I feel; not to say that it will change tomorrow, but as a reminder of how people get inside of your skin (in a good way) and how you don't want them to move out of it.

This is the end of my chocolate series, and the second to last post of my 31 flavors. I've been personal the past 30 days, and I'm about to get as personal as one can get on a blog.

She permeates my soul. She digs into the inner most recesses of my heart and pulls out feelings I thought I locked away for good.

Her smell invades my nostrils. I can still smell her, even though I haven't been around her. Every time I close my eyes, I see the very last time I saw her, and the half smile she gave me as she exited the vehicle. I still feel her hand on mine, feel the smoothness of her skin. I still hear her laughter and the hush tones we spoke in at dinner. I still taste the last words we spoke, how I think too much; the bittersweet taste of how she's right, and how I can't help it.

She plunders my every waking moment, and pilfers my every sleeping dream. Some (her included) would say that I'm in too deep, I need to fall back, I need to relax and let things happen naturally.

While I do agree with letting things happen naturally (and that's something I'm Dante Smith working on), I can't just fall back.

I'm in too deep, I'm drowning in love, and for the first time in my life... I welcome the sweet afterlife that'll come after I drown. Please, don't revive me.

Love is SO exhausting... yet so exhilarating and exciting. I'm addicted to her. (And she wouldn't have it any other way.) The thought that crosses my mind often, and what gets me so introspective is: What if she's just not where I am? This has happened to me before, where I've jumped ahead of the other person. What if I'm just crazy as hell and I fell for her too quickly?

Then I get the text that lets me know that I'm crazy, but not that crazy. She loves me too.

We're just moving at our own pace. And so, I look into the mirror every morning and remind myself that I need to give Love time.

I don't know if I really miss her or I miss the feeling of knowing that someone loves me just as much (or maybe more) as I love them. Either way, I know that I miss her.

I miss her something fierce. And I wonder if she's misses me too.

(And Serendipity, I already know you're gonna send me a text or call me and cuss me out. It's ok, by all means, please do. Yes, it's mushy as hell, but it's my feelings at the moment, and I do miss the hell out of you. You know I think way too much. *wink*)

Now playing: Röyksopp - Miss It So Much
via FoxyTunes


Jonquil Senice said...

it's hard to pull back when you're in so deep. she's lucky to have someone who is so mushy and furthermore, who wants the world to know it too!

FreckleFace said...

patience sir. be thankful that you are able to feel all of these things and be transparent. It is a blessing.


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