Mood: Good
Mode: Cheesing
Thoughts: So...
So...
I can't even get my thoughts right. I'm smiling and laughing.
And... just, wow.
That's it. That's all I can say. Good night!
----------------
Now playing: Amerie - That's What U R
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Day 101
I packed the dishes away.
I folded the last of the clothes and placed them into the box.
She walks into the room. Standing at the dresser, she folds her arms. "Is that all of it?" I nod my head. "Did you get all of my DVD's? And my CD's?" I nod my head. She sighs.
I walk to the living room and give the 2 boxes to her new friend. The one I didn't know about until last night. The one that kept calling her at all hours of the night. The one that had her in a funky mood, a sexy mood, a defensive mood, a forgiving mood. He nods his head, closes the door, and walks to the car.
She walks over to me. She touches my arm. I pull away.
"Don't be like that. It's not you. It's me. I told you that."
I sneer at her. "Oh yeah, it's you alright. It's always about you, nobody else. Did you tell him that? How everything has to be about you? How you control every aspect of every decision? From the beginning to the end?"
She scoffs, "I didn't decide to end the relationship. You did."
My face felt hot. "No, YOU did when you invited HIM into OUR relationship."
"It wasn't like that. One thing just-"
"Led into another, yeah, I got that. What I don't get is, you say you don't love him, that you love me, and yet you're leaving with him. Where's the logic in that? 3 years? 3 years, and you throw it away on a fling that won't last 2 months."
She shakes her head. "I love you. I always will." She walks to me and tries to kiss me. I turn my head away. She touches my shoulder and walks out of the house.
I stand in my living room, which immediately feels empty. I walk to the framed photos of us and take the pictures out. I throw them away. I go to my bedroom and pull the sheets off the bed, which smells like her, and I throw them away, too. I feel the tears fall down my face.
I fall to my knees, crying. I love her, I already miss her, and now I'm crying like a baby in the middle of the room. I felt self-conscience about my weight, my face, my height, everything. I saw him. He looked like some running back for the Dallas Cowboys. My anger at her builds. Why would she do this to us? Even after all that we went through, the miscarriages, the yelling, the fussing, we still were together. Why? WHY?
I stand up and walk to the shower. I cut it on cold water and step in, clothes on and all. I fall to my knees again, and cry.
This is the pain that people go through when the love leaves. This is the pain that I feel right now. This is all the hurt that will never go away. This is what happens when one person stops loving the other, and fails to let them know.
This is a new scar on my heart.
And I don't think it will ever heal.
=============================
It's almost 3 AM. I'm wide awake, staring at my ceiling fan in the living room, watching it spin.
The phone rings. I ignore it. I know who it is, I know what she wants.
The phone stops ringing after the 3rd ring. There is 3 quick taps at my door. I ignore it.
I hear the doorknob turn, and the air from outside comes rushing in as the door opens. She comes in and closes the door.
I don't look up at her. She comes over and sits in front of the couch I'm laying on. She sighs. I still don't acknowledge that she's there.
"You left the front door open. I- I had called but..."
No answer from me.
"Talk to me. Please. Say something."
Still no answer. Eyes wide open, staring at the fan.
"I left. He's... not what I expected. After we left here yesterday morning, I started moving my stuff in with him. He flips the script, laying down 'rules' as if I was a child. We got into a big argument. He kicked me out, told me that he wasn't looking to be tied down by me anyway. Then he gloated that I had nobody to go home to before closing the door in my face."
I say nothing. Watching the ceiling fan spin and spin.
"What do you want me to say, huh? 'I'm sorry?' Well, I am sorry that I left you like that. I should've..." She looks at me. I refuse to make eye contact.
I hear her weeping.
"I'm not asking you to take me back. I'm not even asking if I can stay here tonight. I am asking you, however, to forgive me. Please. Just forgive me."
I still say nothing. I replay the events from earlier in my mind. I replay our relationship in my mind, wondering if it's all worth it, if she's worth it.
"At least tell me you still love me? Show me that you still care for me? Show me that my love for you isn't all for nothing?"
I blink. I blink again. Finally, I sit up on the couch. She moves up and sits on the couch beside me. She puts her head on my shoulder. My shirt is now wet with the tears she cries out.
I place my hand on hers. She wraps her fingers around mine, intertwining them.
This is what a relationship is all about. The rise and the fall and the rise again.
My heart still has that scar. But it's beginning to heal, much to my surprise, ever so slowly.
I folded the last of the clothes and placed them into the box.
She walks into the room. Standing at the dresser, she folds her arms. "Is that all of it?" I nod my head. "Did you get all of my DVD's? And my CD's?" I nod my head. She sighs.
I walk to the living room and give the 2 boxes to her new friend. The one I didn't know about until last night. The one that kept calling her at all hours of the night. The one that had her in a funky mood, a sexy mood, a defensive mood, a forgiving mood. He nods his head, closes the door, and walks to the car.
She walks over to me. She touches my arm. I pull away.
"Don't be like that. It's not you. It's me. I told you that."
I sneer at her. "Oh yeah, it's you alright. It's always about you, nobody else. Did you tell him that? How everything has to be about you? How you control every aspect of every decision? From the beginning to the end?"
She scoffs, "I didn't decide to end the relationship. You did."
My face felt hot. "No, YOU did when you invited HIM into OUR relationship."
"It wasn't like that. One thing just-"
"Led into another, yeah, I got that. What I don't get is, you say you don't love him, that you love me, and yet you're leaving with him. Where's the logic in that? 3 years? 3 years, and you throw it away on a fling that won't last 2 months."
She shakes her head. "I love you. I always will." She walks to me and tries to kiss me. I turn my head away. She touches my shoulder and walks out of the house.
I stand in my living room, which immediately feels empty. I walk to the framed photos of us and take the pictures out. I throw them away. I go to my bedroom and pull the sheets off the bed, which smells like her, and I throw them away, too. I feel the tears fall down my face.
I fall to my knees, crying. I love her, I already miss her, and now I'm crying like a baby in the middle of the room. I felt self-conscience about my weight, my face, my height, everything. I saw him. He looked like some running back for the Dallas Cowboys. My anger at her builds. Why would she do this to us? Even after all that we went through, the miscarriages, the yelling, the fussing, we still were together. Why? WHY?
I stand up and walk to the shower. I cut it on cold water and step in, clothes on and all. I fall to my knees again, and cry.
This is the pain that people go through when the love leaves. This is the pain that I feel right now. This is all the hurt that will never go away. This is what happens when one person stops loving the other, and fails to let them know.
This is a new scar on my heart.
And I don't think it will ever heal.
=============================
It's almost 3 AM. I'm wide awake, staring at my ceiling fan in the living room, watching it spin.
The phone rings. I ignore it. I know who it is, I know what she wants.
The phone stops ringing after the 3rd ring. There is 3 quick taps at my door. I ignore it.
I hear the doorknob turn, and the air from outside comes rushing in as the door opens. She comes in and closes the door.
I don't look up at her. She comes over and sits in front of the couch I'm laying on. She sighs. I still don't acknowledge that she's there.
"You left the front door open. I- I had called but..."
No answer from me.
"Talk to me. Please. Say something."
Still no answer. Eyes wide open, staring at the fan.
"I left. He's... not what I expected. After we left here yesterday morning, I started moving my stuff in with him. He flips the script, laying down 'rules' as if I was a child. We got into a big argument. He kicked me out, told me that he wasn't looking to be tied down by me anyway. Then he gloated that I had nobody to go home to before closing the door in my face."
I say nothing. Watching the ceiling fan spin and spin.
"What do you want me to say, huh? 'I'm sorry?' Well, I am sorry that I left you like that. I should've..." She looks at me. I refuse to make eye contact.
I hear her weeping.
"I'm not asking you to take me back. I'm not even asking if I can stay here tonight. I am asking you, however, to forgive me. Please. Just forgive me."
I still say nothing. I replay the events from earlier in my mind. I replay our relationship in my mind, wondering if it's all worth it, if she's worth it.
"At least tell me you still love me? Show me that you still care for me? Show me that my love for you isn't all for nothing?"
I blink. I blink again. Finally, I sit up on the couch. She moves up and sits on the couch beside me. She puts her head on my shoulder. My shirt is now wet with the tears she cries out.
I place my hand on hers. She wraps her fingers around mine, intertwining them.
This is what a relationship is all about. The rise and the fall and the rise again.
My heart still has that scar. But it's beginning to heal, much to my surprise, ever so slowly.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Day 97
Mood: Playful
Mode: Listening
Thoughts: Twitter has ruined my social life and the way I converse with people.
Hear me out. This is a conversation I had with Diora on AIM:
Me: I just sent an answer to your question on Twitter.
Her: Ok, cool, I'll go read it.
Me: Wait. Is there a reason why we can't have this conversation here on AIM?
Her: Because we're talking about something different on Twitter. No need to mix conversations.
Me: Er, ok. So anyway...
I have had 4 convos like this in the past 3 days. I've been ON THE PHONE with my brother, and will still send him a tweet.
I get mad when I see the Fail Whale. I hate the fact that I was tweeting (that sounds so... I don't know, glowstick-like to me) during Wrestlemania 25 and it deleted ALL of them. I don't like the fact that people won't call me, nor text me, they'll just twitter me. And I embrace it. Fully.
I have met some wonderful people on Twitter. But I think it's replacing the way people converse now. It's like, now, in order to get my point across, I have to do it in 140 characters or less.
They call it micro-blogging. I call it an exhibitionist's playground. Or voyeuristic playground, whichever you prefer. You can tell the whole world what you're doing at THAT EXACT MOMENT.
"I'm in hour 12 of my 36 hour tantric sex marathon!" @iamdiddy
"I'm taking a huge shit right now. It feels so good." @somebody_I_decided_to_unfollow_for_that_crap
It's getting to the point where... I feel like... why bother? Why did I sign up for this? Granted, I signed up LONG before it got popular. But now it feels like MySpace or Facebook where you have your actual friends, and then you've got people who you thought were interesting, and you've got your celebs. On the flip side, you've got the "I need to be SUPER popular on the internet, because I don't have friends in the real world, so let me follow EVERYBODY!" people.
I don't know. I just felt like it changed the way people communicate with each other. Instead of having something profound to say, it's all about who can out-tweet the other person. Who can have the best conversation with as many people as possible.
In less than 140 characters.
By the way, follow me @shehateme.
----------------
Now playing: Outkast - The Clock (feat. Paula Patton)
via FoxyTunes
Mode: Listening
Thoughts: Twitter has ruined my social life and the way I converse with people.
Hear me out. This is a conversation I had with Diora on AIM:
Me: I just sent an answer to your question on Twitter.
Her: Ok, cool, I'll go read it.
Me: Wait. Is there a reason why we can't have this conversation here on AIM?
Her: Because we're talking about something different on Twitter. No need to mix conversations.
Me: Er, ok. So anyway...
I have had 4 convos like this in the past 3 days. I've been ON THE PHONE with my brother, and will still send him a tweet.
I get mad when I see the Fail Whale. I hate the fact that I was tweeting (that sounds so... I don't know, glowstick-like to me) during Wrestlemania 25 and it deleted ALL of them. I don't like the fact that people won't call me, nor text me, they'll just twitter me. And I embrace it. Fully.
I have met some wonderful people on Twitter. But I think it's replacing the way people converse now. It's like, now, in order to get my point across, I have to do it in 140 characters or less.
They call it micro-blogging. I call it an exhibitionist's playground. Or voyeuristic playground, whichever you prefer. You can tell the whole world what you're doing at THAT EXACT MOMENT.
"I'm in hour 12 of my 36 hour tantric sex marathon!" @iamdiddy
"I'm taking a huge shit right now. It feels so good." @somebody_I_decided_to_unfollow_for_that_crap
It's getting to the point where... I feel like... why bother? Why did I sign up for this? Granted, I signed up LONG before it got popular. But now it feels like MySpace or Facebook where you have your actual friends, and then you've got people who you thought were interesting, and you've got your celebs. On the flip side, you've got the "I need to be SUPER popular on the internet, because I don't have friends in the real world, so let me follow EVERYBODY!" people.
I don't know. I just felt like it changed the way people communicate with each other. Instead of having something profound to say, it's all about who can out-tweet the other person. Who can have the best conversation with as many people as possible.
In less than 140 characters.
By the way, follow me @shehateme.
----------------
Now playing: Outkast - The Clock (feat. Paula Patton)
via FoxyTunes
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Day 91
you're wrong about me
i'm no hero
i'm no buddy or pal, or friend
i'm not number one, i'm just a zero
some men fall for the ass, i fall for the eyes
some fall for the breasts, i fall for the brain
some fall for the sex, is that a surprise
i fall for the lips and kisses in the rain
my growth is stunted, no more friends
can't handle the responsibility, or i can, just don't
see, this isn't how it was supposed to end
i'm looking for more will than won't
keep the memories, i don't want them
keep the comments, they aren't needed
keep the hugs, save them for him
keep the pain, it needs to be treated
i had a dream, but it went down the pipe
i had some fun, you remember that night
i had some hope, but i picked it too ripe
i mean you're happy with him, right
no more friends, i have enough
call back tomorrow, i'm out of time
ask how i'm doing, not too tough
i just need 1 person to actually be mine
----------------
Now playing: Kanye West - Welcome To Heartbreak (feat. Kid Cudi)
via FoxyTunes
i'm no hero
i'm no buddy or pal, or friend
i'm not number one, i'm just a zero
some men fall for the ass, i fall for the eyes
some fall for the breasts, i fall for the brain
some fall for the sex, is that a surprise
i fall for the lips and kisses in the rain
my growth is stunted, no more friends
can't handle the responsibility, or i can, just don't
see, this isn't how it was supposed to end
i'm looking for more will than won't
keep the memories, i don't want them
keep the comments, they aren't needed
keep the hugs, save them for him
keep the pain, it needs to be treated
i had a dream, but it went down the pipe
i had some fun, you remember that night
i had some hope, but i picked it too ripe
i mean you're happy with him, right
no more friends, i have enough
call back tomorrow, i'm out of time
ask how i'm doing, not too tough
i just need 1 person to actually be mine
----------------
Now playing: Kanye West - Welcome To Heartbreak (feat. Kid Cudi)
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Day 87
Mood: Exhausted, emotionally.
Mode: HULK SMASH!
Thoughts: So here's the thing right?
So, if you can't understand that, then kiss my ass.
And I'm done.
----------------
Now playing: Jay-Z - Maybe
via FoxyTunes
Mode: HULK SMASH!
Thoughts: So here's the thing right?
So, if you can't understand that, then kiss my ass.
And I'm done.
----------------
Now playing: Jay-Z - Maybe
via FoxyTunes
Friday, March 27, 2009
Day 85
I was going to write tonight.
But suddenly, I don't really feel like it.
It's as if I'm getting left behind by everybody, and no matter how fast I run, how hard I pedal, or how much gas I give the car, I'm stuck going nowhere.
I feel like Good Luck Chuck, only instead of being in a horrible vehicle starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba that's taking their careers down the drain, I'm actually living out my life. And in this life, it seems that every person I meet has like this... this situation. And I come along, and I give out my little 2 cents of bullshit and they move on... to better things. It's like, as soon as I meet someone in their current fucked up situation, their situation AUTOMATICALLY gets better.
Ugh, that's not it either.
I don't know how I feel right now. Seriously, it's like I want to sleep for like 4 and a half days, wake up, and become a walking hermit. I want to do what Forrest Gump did after Jenny declined his marriage proposal:
Run.
I don't know where I would go, I don't know what I would do, but I do know that I would run. Would I feel better? Who knows. It's just that right now, I have a lot of questions.
And they aren't being answered.
Because the questions are about me.
And I don't know if I'm strong enough to answer them.
But suddenly, I don't really feel like it.
It's as if I'm getting left behind by everybody, and no matter how fast I run, how hard I pedal, or how much gas I give the car, I'm stuck going nowhere.
Ugh, that's not it either.
I don't know how I feel right now. Seriously, it's like I want to sleep for like 4 and a half days, wake up, and become a walking hermit. I want to do what Forrest Gump did after Jenny declined his marriage proposal:
Run.
I don't know where I would go, I don't know what I would do, but I do know that I would run. Would I feel better? Who knows. It's just that right now, I have a lot of questions.
And they aren't being answered.
Because the questions are about me.
And I don't know if I'm strong enough to answer them.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Day 78 (Mario's Lament)
I did it all for you.
I tripped on mushrooms. Ate so many, I think I may have lost my mind.
I stacked money, to get a better life, so I could rescue you and give you a better life.
I stomped on heads, I kicked shells, I kicked butt, I even fought a giant dragon, numerous times, all for you.
I collected a bouquet of flowers for you, but you don't care. I even reached for the stars. And every time I think I've found you, you're never there.
I did it all. And it was for you. And at the end of it all, you tell me to do it again.
What's the point? Where's the reward?
I'm a plumber. Not a rescue service.
----------------
Now playing: Adele - That's It, I Quit, I'm Moving On (Live)
via FoxyTunes
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Day 73
Mood: Melancholy
Mode: Nextel. Done.
Thoughts: I want off.
I do.
This roller coaster ride has been a blast, really, it has. When it was going up, it was thrilling and exciting, and you could look out for miles and miles, see what was ahead of you, wonder when the next turn of events is gonna be and what they will bring...
Then, here comes the downside. Now, you're scared, heart racing because you don't know what's going to happen next. Stomach feels like it about to come out of your throat. Everything is rushing past you so fast, it's all a blur. You want to be excited, but it's hard because in the back of your mind, anything could go wrong at any time. You're screaming, holding on for dear life, trying to figure out why you even got on this ride in the first place...
And then, here's the upswing. And so on, and so on, ad infinitum.
I just want off. I'm tired. I know how this thing goes. Trust me, I've ridden it enough. No need to get all excited on the first drop, or second, or third. Whee. Been here before. And clocking in at 2 minutes 37 seconds, it's... the end of the ride.
Unbuckle me. Please. I'm tired. I quit.
I don't want to ride anymore rides.
I'm tired of waiting in line.
I'm tired of overpriced admission costs.
I'm tired of being skipped by people.
It's hot out here. There's no shade.
I want to go home.
----------------
Now playing: Foo Fighters - Tired of You
via FoxyTunes
Mode: Nextel. Done.
Thoughts: I want off.
I do.
This roller coaster ride has been a blast, really, it has. When it was going up, it was thrilling and exciting, and you could look out for miles and miles, see what was ahead of you, wonder when the next turn of events is gonna be and what they will bring...
Then, here comes the downside. Now, you're scared, heart racing because you don't know what's going to happen next. Stomach feels like it about to come out of your throat. Everything is rushing past you so fast, it's all a blur. You want to be excited, but it's hard because in the back of your mind, anything could go wrong at any time. You're screaming, holding on for dear life, trying to figure out why you even got on this ride in the first place...
And then, here's the upswing. And so on, and so on, ad infinitum.
I just want off. I'm tired. I know how this thing goes. Trust me, I've ridden it enough. No need to get all excited on the first drop, or second, or third. Whee. Been here before. And clocking in at 2 minutes 37 seconds, it's... the end of the ride.
Unbuckle me. Please. I'm tired. I quit.
I don't want to ride anymore rides.
I'm tired of waiting in line.
I'm tired of overpriced admission costs.
I'm tired of being skipped by people.
It's hot out here. There's no shade.
I want to go home.
----------------
Now playing: Foo Fighters - Tired of You
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Day 66
Mood: Tired
Mode: Old
Thoughts: I used to be a party animal.
At 15, I started hitting the young clubs and dances. I knew in my mind, the party didn't start until me and my crew rolled through. We came in, shut the party down, had fun in the process.
By the time I reached 18, I had done and seen most of the things that happen in the club; the wallflowers blooming, the drunks weaving, the freaks gyrating, the lovers rocking. Shy guys playing the tough role, tough guys playing shy, both with the same goal; to get the girls to go home with them.
I've seen the women who wouldn't dress like that, dress like that. Breasts perked up, 3 inch heels, skirt with no panties, ready to go... and get attention. They love the attention, whether it's from a guy who they'll let buy them a drink, or the guy who acts as if the female in question is invisible. Doesn't matter.
I've seen dudes have the light bulb go off and KNOW the next drink is the last drink because they are going to pass out, and yet, they drink anyway. I've seen the jealous boyfriend let his girl dress in a seductive way, and get mad at EVERY dude in the club because he's looking. I've seen the group of girls come in, low tops, high skirts, everything hanging out, making sure that they are the center of attention, just to get free drinks for the night. I've seen the flyest woman there have her D.U.F.F. (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) with her, gassing her up, making the D.U.F.F. work to get her flyest friend all the free food and drinks for the night. I've seen Security throw people out, break up fights, cause a couple of fights, and have sex on the floor. I've seen the DJ go from super hero status to super zero status with one song. I've seen the DJ get head while he's spinning. I've been to the hole in the walls, the sweat boxes, the house parties.
And I can say with a straight face, I'm done with it all.
Tonight, I went out with some female companions. After paying our way in, I was immediately reminded of why I quit doing this years ago. Guys looking at my friends as if they were a showcase of breasts and ass, then immediately looking at me as if I robbed their mother. Women staring at me, trying to figure out if I'm either gay, or just some poor soul who got dragged out with his girl and her friends. Waitresses running around half naked, serving watered down alcohol, cold food, and even colder stares for tips. The DJ cutting the latest record from Jamie Foxx about passing the blame, so the dance floor is packed. Dudes that have no rhythm, dancing like their life depended on it, and the women who stick around only for the inevitable drink offer afterwards. We immediately post up at a table and chair. We get our overpriced drinks, and we survey the land.
At this point and time, the DJ has decided to quit his job. Either that, or he sucks ass, because at that very moment, he starts to play Techno Cher. Looking around, I had to make sure I went to the right club. My friends are also confused by this exchange. The dance floor clears immediately. People start leaving, so we find an empty couch and chair area to sit at. We move over there, and look at the menu they have placed. Spring rolls? Sushi? Garbanzo Bean Dip? What the hell are you serving here, pseudo exotic foods?
As we see the waitress come over to place our non-existent order, another waitress interrupts her and informs up that since we started a tab at the bar, we must remain at the bar all night. Shaking our heads, we go back to the bar. At this point, me and my friend Rachel are standing around, and we see a group of guys (frat, Navy, groomsmen, etc.) walk towards us to the dance floor. In this group, one guy, and I don't know which, has decided that enough is enough, he needs to hurl right now. He proceeds to throw up on the floor, right beside us. I don't immediately notice, but Rachel, who's wearing flats, feels the warm spatter of liquid splash on her. At first she thinks someone dropped their drink (normal), until she looks and sees chunks of food on the floor mixed in the liquid (not normal). I look down, and see the bottom of my cream slacks speckled with... vomit. I immediately turn to the group of guys and start with the berating. Security comes over and I explain to them that there is a spill on the floor. The guard actually laughs and goes to get a mop.
At this point, I'm ready to walk out, and everyone else has decided that their time is up as well. We walk outside, and we see drunken ladies pulling their skirts up and down in an eternal battle of tug of war, guys pleading to the cops to let them go, cops trying to pull over all the cars with loud music.
And in my head, I'm wondering, was this worth me coming out of the house tonight? Was this worth the money I paid?
The answer, short and simple, is no.
Sorry, Ron Brows, I will not be jumping out of a window to your song in the club. Actually, the next time I hear that stupid excuse for music, I think I might pull a Erick Sermon and jump out the window for real.
----------------
Now playing: Kanye West - Flashing Lights (Ft. Dwele)
via FoxyTunes
Mode: Old
Thoughts: I used to be a party animal.
At 15, I started hitting the young clubs and dances. I knew in my mind, the party didn't start until me and my crew rolled through. We came in, shut the party down, had fun in the process.
By the time I reached 18, I had done and seen most of the things that happen in the club; the wallflowers blooming, the drunks weaving, the freaks gyrating, the lovers rocking. Shy guys playing the tough role, tough guys playing shy, both with the same goal; to get the girls to go home with them.
I've seen the women who wouldn't dress like that, dress like that. Breasts perked up, 3 inch heels, skirt with no panties, ready to go... and get attention. They love the attention, whether it's from a guy who they'll let buy them a drink, or the guy who acts as if the female in question is invisible. Doesn't matter.
I've seen dudes have the light bulb go off and KNOW the next drink is the last drink because they are going to pass out, and yet, they drink anyway. I've seen the jealous boyfriend let his girl dress in a seductive way, and get mad at EVERY dude in the club because he's looking. I've seen the group of girls come in, low tops, high skirts, everything hanging out, making sure that they are the center of attention, just to get free drinks for the night. I've seen the flyest woman there have her D.U.F.F. (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) with her, gassing her up, making the D.U.F.F. work to get her flyest friend all the free food and drinks for the night. I've seen Security throw people out, break up fights, cause a couple of fights, and have sex on the floor. I've seen the DJ go from super hero status to super zero status with one song. I've seen the DJ get head while he's spinning. I've been to the hole in the walls, the sweat boxes, the house parties.
And I can say with a straight face, I'm done with it all.
Tonight, I went out with some female companions. After paying our way in, I was immediately reminded of why I quit doing this years ago. Guys looking at my friends as if they were a showcase of breasts and ass, then immediately looking at me as if I robbed their mother. Women staring at me, trying to figure out if I'm either gay, or just some poor soul who got dragged out with his girl and her friends. Waitresses running around half naked, serving watered down alcohol, cold food, and even colder stares for tips. The DJ cutting the latest record from Jamie Foxx about passing the blame, so the dance floor is packed. Dudes that have no rhythm, dancing like their life depended on it, and the women who stick around only for the inevitable drink offer afterwards. We immediately post up at a table and chair. We get our overpriced drinks, and we survey the land.
At this point and time, the DJ has decided to quit his job. Either that, or he sucks ass, because at that very moment, he starts to play Techno Cher. Looking around, I had to make sure I went to the right club. My friends are also confused by this exchange. The dance floor clears immediately. People start leaving, so we find an empty couch and chair area to sit at. We move over there, and look at the menu they have placed. Spring rolls? Sushi? Garbanzo Bean Dip? What the hell are you serving here, pseudo exotic foods?
As we see the waitress come over to place our non-existent order, another waitress interrupts her and informs up that since we started a tab at the bar, we must remain at the bar all night. Shaking our heads, we go back to the bar. At this point, me and my friend Rachel are standing around, and we see a group of guys (frat, Navy, groomsmen, etc.) walk towards us to the dance floor. In this group, one guy, and I don't know which, has decided that enough is enough, he needs to hurl right now. He proceeds to throw up on the floor, right beside us. I don't immediately notice, but Rachel, who's wearing flats, feels the warm spatter of liquid splash on her. At first she thinks someone dropped their drink (normal), until she looks and sees chunks of food on the floor mixed in the liquid (not normal). I look down, and see the bottom of my cream slacks speckled with... vomit. I immediately turn to the group of guys and start with the berating. Security comes over and I explain to them that there is a spill on the floor. The guard actually laughs and goes to get a mop.
At this point, I'm ready to walk out, and everyone else has decided that their time is up as well. We walk outside, and we see drunken ladies pulling their skirts up and down in an eternal battle of tug of war, guys pleading to the cops to let them go, cops trying to pull over all the cars with loud music.
And in my head, I'm wondering, was this worth me coming out of the house tonight? Was this worth the money I paid?
The answer, short and simple, is no.
Sorry, Ron Brows, I will not be jumping out of a window to your song in the club. Actually, the next time I hear that stupid excuse for music, I think I might pull a Erick Sermon and jump out the window for real.
----------------
Now playing: Kanye West - Flashing Lights (Ft. Dwele)
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Day 63
Mood: Happy
Mode: Communicative
Thoughts: I've had the craziest week possible.
And it's only Wednesday.
My favorite Enigma came home on Sunday. I missed her, and she's only been gone for 3 weeks. We decided to go bowling Monday night. Me, her, my brother and his wife played 3 games of bowling. When we first got there, we went to do shoe rental and pay for the games. In front of us, there was a handsome little boy standing in front of me. He turned and looked at me and I knew who it was immediately. He was a bit confused, he hadn't seen me in almost a year, but he had this feeling that he knew who it was. He walked off with the person he was with and we started to bowl.
Well, of course, life is funny. Sometimes, things happen that are totally out of your control, and the only thing you can do is ride it out. As we're bowling, I look up front and see...
The Virgo.
To borrow from Chuck Ham, well, isn't this awkward.
I saw her first, she didn't see me. I decided to play cool, fall back, not announce my presence. But of course, me and my family, we stick out like sore thumbs. After about 15 minutes, she sees me, and comes running over, arms open wide, smiling all the way.
To me, it looks as if she's coming with a pair of scissors to cut open a wound I had closed at the close of last year.
She hugs me, but I'm hesitant to return the hug. Her greeting was sincere, my greeting was unsure. Her face was warm and ready to jump back into the dance, my face told her that my feet hurt from dancing with her for too long.
She immediately reads me; she knows how I am, and all the warmth disappears from her body. She turns and greets my brother and sister. I want to introduce her to my Enigma, but instead, I shrug it off. She goes back and gets her son so he can speak. I speak softly, I don't even think he heard me.
Apparently, she got the picture, and she went back with her bowling party. My Enigma simply smiles at me, comes and hugs me, rubs my back. She, with her female prowess, knows who that was without me having to tell her (also with a little help from my sister), and she doesn't even ask. She simply holds my hand and lets me know it's my turn to bowl.
That next day, I thought about my actions the night before. I wonder if I was too cold to her. I hadn't see her in almost a year, and our separation wasn't what I would call amicable.
Then I thought about everything that we went through. And I decided that I was kinda justified in my actions.
No matter if I was wrong or right, she still could've called. She still could've let me know she was mad at me, instead of acting as if I never existed. With that act, it let me know what to do the next time we were to meet.
And that happened Monday. And I simply mirrored her actions from the months beforehand.
Do I love her? Somewhere in my heart, I guess I do. It'll always be there, and I'll never forget her, no matter how hard I may try.
But I've settled my tab. I've paid my dues. I let her go.
And this time, I broke the rearview mirror. No looking back. Just moving forward.
----------------
Now playing: Foreign Exchange - Daykeeper
via FoxyTunes
Mode: Communicative
Thoughts: I've had the craziest week possible.
And it's only Wednesday.
My favorite Enigma came home on Sunday. I missed her, and she's only been gone for 3 weeks. We decided to go bowling Monday night. Me, her, my brother and his wife played 3 games of bowling. When we first got there, we went to do shoe rental and pay for the games. In front of us, there was a handsome little boy standing in front of me. He turned and looked at me and I knew who it was immediately. He was a bit confused, he hadn't seen me in almost a year, but he had this feeling that he knew who it was. He walked off with the person he was with and we started to bowl.
Well, of course, life is funny. Sometimes, things happen that are totally out of your control, and the only thing you can do is ride it out. As we're bowling, I look up front and see...
The Virgo.
To borrow from Chuck Ham, well, isn't this awkward.
I saw her first, she didn't see me. I decided to play cool, fall back, not announce my presence. But of course, me and my family, we stick out like sore thumbs. After about 15 minutes, she sees me, and comes running over, arms open wide, smiling all the way.
To me, it looks as if she's coming with a pair of scissors to cut open a wound I had closed at the close of last year.
She hugs me, but I'm hesitant to return the hug. Her greeting was sincere, my greeting was unsure. Her face was warm and ready to jump back into the dance, my face told her that my feet hurt from dancing with her for too long.
She immediately reads me; she knows how I am, and all the warmth disappears from her body. She turns and greets my brother and sister. I want to introduce her to my Enigma, but instead, I shrug it off. She goes back and gets her son so he can speak. I speak softly, I don't even think he heard me.
Apparently, she got the picture, and she went back with her bowling party. My Enigma simply smiles at me, comes and hugs me, rubs my back. She, with her female prowess, knows who that was without me having to tell her (also with a little help from my sister), and she doesn't even ask. She simply holds my hand and lets me know it's my turn to bowl.
That next day, I thought about my actions the night before. I wonder if I was too cold to her. I hadn't see her in almost a year, and our separation wasn't what I would call amicable.
Then I thought about everything that we went through. And I decided that I was kinda justified in my actions.
No matter if I was wrong or right, she still could've called. She still could've let me know she was mad at me, instead of acting as if I never existed. With that act, it let me know what to do the next time we were to meet.
And that happened Monday. And I simply mirrored her actions from the months beforehand.
Do I love her? Somewhere in my heart, I guess I do. It'll always be there, and I'll never forget her, no matter how hard I may try.
But I've settled my tab. I've paid my dues. I let her go.
And this time, I broke the rearview mirror. No looking back. Just moving forward.
----------------
Now playing: Foreign Exchange - Daykeeper
via FoxyTunes
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