Sunday, April 12, 2009

Day 101

I packed the dishes away.

I folded the last of the clothes and placed them into the box.

She walks into the room. Standing at the dresser, she folds her arms. "Is that all of it?" I nod my head. "Did you get all of my DVD's? And my CD's?" I nod my head. She sighs.

I walk to the living room and give the 2 boxes to her new friend. The one I didn't know about until last night. The one that kept calling her at all hours of the night. The one that had her in a funky mood, a sexy mood, a defensive mood, a forgiving mood. He nods his head, closes the door, and walks to the car.

She walks over to me. She touches my arm. I pull away.

"Don't be like that. It's not you. It's me. I told you that."

I sneer at her. "Oh yeah, it's you alright. It's always about you, nobody else. Did you tell him that? How everything has to be about you? How you control every aspect of every decision? From the beginning to the end?"

She scoffs, "I didn't decide to end the relationship. You did."

My face felt hot. "No, YOU did when you invited HIM into OUR relationship."

"It wasn't like that. One thing just-"

"Led into another, yeah, I got that. What I don't get is, you say you don't love him, that you love me, and yet you're leaving with him. Where's the logic in that? 3 years? 3 years, and you throw it away on a fling that won't last 2 months."

She shakes her head. "I love you. I always will." She walks to me and tries to kiss me. I turn my head away. She touches my shoulder and walks out of the house.

I stand in my living room, which immediately feels empty. I walk to the framed photos of us and take the pictures out. I throw them away. I go to my bedroom and pull the sheets off the bed, which smells like her, and I throw them away, too. I feel the tears fall down my face.

I fall to my knees, crying. I love her, I already miss her, and now I'm crying like a baby in the middle of the room. I felt self-conscience about my weight, my face, my height, everything. I saw him. He looked like some running back for the Dallas Cowboys. My anger at her builds. Why would she do this to us? Even after all that we went through, the miscarriages, the yelling, the fussing, we still were together. Why? WHY?

I stand up and walk to the shower. I cut it on cold water and step in, clothes on and all. I fall to my knees again, and cry.

This is the pain that people go through when the love leaves. This is the pain that I feel right now. This is all the hurt that will never go away. This is what happens when one person stops loving the other, and fails to let them know.

This is a new scar on my heart.

And I don't think it will ever heal.


It's almost 3 AM. I'm wide awake, staring at my ceiling fan in the living room, watching it spin.

The phone rings. I ignore it. I know who it is, I know what she wants.

The phone stops ringing after the 3rd ring. There is 3 quick taps at my door. I ignore it.

I hear the doorknob turn, and the air from outside comes rushing in as the door opens. She comes in and closes the door.

I don't look up at her. She comes over and sits in front of the couch I'm laying on. She sighs. I still don't acknowledge that she's there.

"You left the front door open. I- I had called but..."

No answer from me.

"Talk to me. Please. Say something."

Still no answer. Eyes wide open, staring at the fan.

"I left. He's... not what I expected. After we left here yesterday morning, I started moving my stuff in with him. He flips the script, laying down 'rules' as if I was a child. We got into a big argument. He kicked me out, told me that he wasn't looking to be tied down by me anyway. Then he gloated that I had nobody to go home to before closing the door in my face."

I say nothing. Watching the ceiling fan spin and spin.

"What do you want me to say, huh? 'I'm sorry?' Well, I am sorry that I left you like that. I should've..." She looks at me. I refuse to make eye contact.

I hear her weeping.

"I'm not asking you to take me back. I'm not even asking if I can stay here tonight. I am asking you, however, to forgive me. Please. Just forgive me."

I still say nothing. I replay the events from earlier in my mind. I replay our relationship in my mind, wondering if it's all worth it, if she's worth it.

"At least tell me you still love me? Show me that you still care for me? Show me that my love for you isn't all for nothing?"

I blink. I blink again. Finally, I sit up on the couch. She moves up and sits on the couch beside me. She puts her head on my shoulder. My shirt is now wet with the tears she cries out.

I place my hand on hers. She wraps her fingers around mine, intertwining them.

This is what a relationship is all about. The rise and the fall and the rise again.

My heart still has that scar. But it's beginning to heal, much to my surprise, ever so slowly.


Jazz said...

That bought tears to my eyes , been there.cried depressed there, came out of it.!!

Luvvie said...

WOw. That was sooo dope to read. Ur pain was palpable!

NaturallyAlise said...

wooo, a lil misty over here... that hit a nerve.


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