An Open Letter to a Friend (Or, I could be talking about YOU...)

Dear... well, just Dear,


Hello. How are you? I haven't seen you in a while. I know the last time we spoke, it was kinda *ahem* awkward. And that was the last thing I wanted between us. We ended our conversation on a bad note. I think I need to clear the air, or at least attempt to show you where I'm coming from, so, here goes.

I was so wrapped up in how I felt about us, I didn't take into consideration how YOU felt about us. You told me that I was a dear friend in your eyes. You didn't feel comfortable taking it there, and yet, here I was, pushing the issue. I didn't know that after that first kiss, you didn't feel that... je ne sais pas. Afterwards, I thought maybe I could feel... love, even, enough for both of us. I was totally wrong.


We spoke over dinner last, remember? And you told me that I was too intense early on. I called every one I knew that was close to me, from my brother, to my mom, to my cousin in NY. Only one person told me something different from what you told me about me and how I love, and she told me that what I have, how I love, was both a gift and a curse. A gift, because now you knew that someone out there does love and care for you, deeply. A curse, because either you weren't ready for someone like that, or because you didn't think my love was genuine.

I know better to think the latter, so of course, I know it's the former.

You're not ready. And the irony here is, I don't think you'll ever be. Now, that's not a jab at you, not at all. It's at me, because it's tearing me apart to know that I may have found that one person who has came into my life and turned things right side up, and she'll never love me that way, not even for all the (insert thing) in (insert place).

At first, I tried to think logically. And that made me mad at you. I have to be honest, yeah, I was pissed at you. Logically, how could you say that you'll never do or feel something or some way without trying first? We didn't even try. Never once did we speak on what we felt about each other, not until it was way too late. I was thinking, if you had told me this from the beginning, if you had let me know that I was going to dream about the unattainable, I wouldn't have even bothered in the first place. Harsh, I know. But sometimes, being honest to yourself hurts people around you that you care about the most.

That lasted for about 24 hours.

I then started thinking emotionally. How could you do this to me? ME, of all people? I was there for you when (garbled thoughts), remember? And then when you was (something about S-Curls and High Yellow) and I sat there, and I sucked it up, took it on the chin like a champ (or chump, can't recall at the moment) and you, with your caring smile and happy thoughts, just kept persisting, kept calling, kept caring. And somewhere along the lines of me being mad at you and plotting against love, I fell for you. Hard. Kinda like Jake Brown.

That lasted for another 24 hours.

Finally, I started thinking realistically. You're a grown woman. A mother. A sister. A daughter. A best friend. At this point, you know what you want out of life and what steps to take to obtain said wants. Right now, I'm not in that focus. (Hell, I know I said right now, but give a brother SOME hope for the future... ahh, who am I kidding?) I don't know if I'll ever be in your plans. I mean, I WANT to be in your plans for the future, I want a future for us. However, you're human. Being human, having a mind of your own, that's called FREE WILL. You have a choice. You choose whether or not I become more than just a close friend/brother/relationship counselor. You choose whether or not I become your significant other/"friend"/somebody you know. The choice that you made, which was for us to just become me and you, I can't get mad at. I have to accept it, embrace your decision. Whether or not I think it's the right one, it doesn't matter. What matters the most is that you are happy with decision that you made.

Which leads me to right now. The decisions that we make, the things that we say, the ways that we feel, are our own. I can't, nor will I ever, try to force you to love me, or even like me. I do know that somewhere in that 3 weeks that we were "together", some of the things that you said you were feeling was true, to what extent, I don't know, but I do know that you felt that way at one point. Yes, you did love me. Yes, you were attracted to me. (And let's be real, who wouldn't be? Come on, look at me. Yeah, I'm THAT nice.) Yes, when we kissed, it wasn't just me kissing you, it was you kissing me, too. You wouldn't have said or done those things if you didn't feel that way, I've known you for a long time now, so, being facetious or mendacious isn't in your game plan, that's not who you are. At one point, I wondered if you could feel that way for me again. I prayed that I could have the strength to be what you wanted out of someone who you were in a relationship with. But I know now that those feelings, those thoughts, they have to come from YOU. There's literally nothing more that I can say or do. If you want to feel a certain way about me, you have to make that decision, not me, not anyone else.

So, I started writing this. At first, it was more of a plea than anything else, to reconsider, for us to reconcile and become what we used to be. But somewhere between the first and second sentence, I realized that if I can't have your love willingly, if you can't come to me and tell me that you love me, then for me to get your love through any other means, really isn't love. It's just me forcing my opinion on you.

And I will not do that.

We are who we want us to be. You are back to being the Captain, and I have taken on the moniker of Hitch once again. Just know that my love for you has not faded, the embers in my heart will not burn out, and the piece of my soul I have given to you will never be replaced with someone else.

Love always,

She Hate Me

The King Of Wishful Thinking (Or...actually, no "or" this time....)

You got me thinking.
Actually, you got me wishing.

No, really let's start with thinking.

Otherwise, you'll get me drinking.

Do we always say what we mean?

Or do we always mean what we say?

I know that's confusing.

But this isn't me at play.

Or trying to be cryptic as usual.

Did you really love me?

Or are the words you've said,

Just meant to float above me?

I'm always thinking about you.

Work, school, inopportune times.

Awake or sleeping, speeding or creeping.

24/7 I'm reading in between the lines.

Different smiles that you were showing me.

Different ways you were holding me.

I can't explain it, like calling to pay a big bill

It really seems like you always got a hold on me.

Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Do you understand that I love you dearly?

Had to go get my eyes checked.

Ordered new glasses just so I could see you clearly.

Was it worth it?

To run back to him to run away again?

Not trying to be funny,

Just wondering when this circle is going to end.

No more misbehaving, you.

No longer a damsel in distress, I can't keep saving you.

You say that you're leaving him, this time for good.

I applaud you, you're doing something that you should….

Don't mind me, I'm still mad at you.

For not doing what you said you would.

I'm lying, why would I be mad?

You're only doing what makes you glad.

Happy, loving, joyful and excited.

I just want our flame to get reignited.

I'm just wishfully thinking.

Or am I thinking wishfully?

I'm wishing I didn't think this much....

I'm thinking that I wish blissfully.

Give me all your wishes, for they are a beautiful and dangerous thing...

I think I wished for too much, which is why now, I'm the King.

So Intense (Or, I love WAY too strongly...)

So I'm intense.


I had to receive a knife to my chest tonight to realize that.


And what twisted the blade even more? Knowing that the one person in this world that I love enough to give up everything to be with doesn't love me back.


She said she never could. She told me to my face tonight that she could never love me the way that I love her. Ever. Period.


The Virgo. Doesn't. Love. Me.


Not in that way. Damn. She sees me as a "warm and fuzzy friend".

What the shit is that?


That's three times in 10 years I have had someone tell me that they don't love me the way that I love them. So now, I've got to figure out a way to not love as intensely.


I can't keep going through this.


I am SO tired of being in love - at least, while nobody is in love with me. If things don't change for me, I'm gonna marry the first woman who tells me she loves me as much as I love her, and she's gonna treat me like shit, because she will have given me what I have built up in my mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect me, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work. © Ferris Bueller


I just got off the phone with my cousin. Guess what?




Yeah, she said I was intense too. Ain't this some shit?


I'm intense. That's bullshit. I am a lover. I love wholeheartedly. If that's intense, then fine, so be it, I will not change who I am, because changing who I am will make me become an asshole. An asshole of epic proportions. But not to worry. I'm leaving Love behind.





If I had to choose between Love and a .38 right now, I would choose the .38 and put it right to the dome.




Excuse my bluntness, but fuck Love. I'm moving to Cynicville.

Untitled (Or, how about I haven't came up with a name yet???)

I thought we was supposed to make it through anything?
At least that what I thought when I gave you that wedding ring...
Blessings and wishes rained down on us 3 years ago.
We shared our dreams, embraced our love, and let our fears go.
But now, a host of problems later,
Seems as if to our relationship we don't cater.
Forget getting an abundance of love, you can't even place the order.
No more home cooked food, you best run for the border.
We don't even talk... about nothing at all.
Looks like our lust for each other set us up for the fall.
Sex was good in the beginning, now, even that's fallen to the wayside.
So, nothing else is left for us to have in common, and you wonder why my emotions I hide?
Scared of you to find out the truth, which is what I believe
to be the end all, be all, final straw, last nerve to make you leave.
I knew about your boyfriend, saw him kissing your lips.
I didn't get mad, I actually gave him some tips.
See, those days where you said you was in class,
I knew you was at his house giving up some ass.
Sorry for being so crass, but I guess it needed to be said.
I want you to be with him, simply because our relationship is dead.
Or was it even alive in the first?
Place my trust that he'll treat you better, satisfy your thirst.
He'll be your Sprite, you'll be his Pixie.
We've gone too far for this to be fixed, see.
I had to learn how to let you go, it's better for us both.
A flower needs sunshine to facilitate it's growth.
I had to stop drowning you with rain or burying you with more dirt.
You don't need me anymore, and I know this is more hurt.
Band-Aids over bullet wounds does nothing but make things more sticky.
So saying this to you made things a little more tricky.
More complicated, more difficult, I keep saying more, but I need less.
Less of you, less of us, less of what we call stress...


And that's Love.

Day for the Virgo....

My wish for you today is to enjoy it.
Relax around friends.
Enjoy being healthy.
Blow out lots of candles.
Eat lots of cake.
Receive many gifts.
Make sure you're happy, especially on today.
For today isn't just another day, it's your day.
A time for you to be the princess we all know you to be.
Get pampered.
Get a foot rub.
Get a back massage.
Get somebody to feed you.
Get somebody to love you.

Well, scratch that last one. You already have someone who loves you very much. My wish for you on your birthday is to take things one day at a time. There are so many things I want to tell you, but none of those things even matter today.


Today, it's all about you.

Make this birthday even better than the other 23. Make yourself happy.


I love you, Captain. Remember that.

Geometry Wars (Or, how I stopped the Love Triangle Offense Part 2)

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.



The easiest way to solve the Love Triangle is to ask the questions you wouldn't normally ask.





Or do things you wouldn't normally do.



Me and the Virgo have become what we were before three weeks ago. It pains me.



I hurt as if I lost a piece of my heart, or something worse, like my soul.


I don't want her as a friend. Harsh, I know, but the truth usually is. I want her more than that, I inhaled her very essence, I nibbled on her soul, and the nectar was so sweet. (Out of the gutter, please. Thanks.)


I'm not well versed in this. I don't know exactly what to say to someone who loves you just as much as you love them, but can't become one because of other situations. I asked her these questions. Didn't know what else to do.


I wonder if you think about me. Not all the time, but sometimes, do you think about me? What if I could be what you need me to be? Would we still be? Could we be if the time was better, would you be with me? I dream about me, about you, about us. Was it just a dream or was it just a fling? Would it be better if I gave you a ring? Was it just this one thing? Two things? Three? Just questions I ask myself, to make myself better myself.

If I let you go, would you come back to me? Or is that old adage just a old wives's tale? Or, am I asking all the wrong questions?

Here I am speaking as if it's just you and me © 'Ye.


For 3 weeks, my soul wasn't invisible. Somebody saw it, saw what I was scared to show, and fell in love with my soul. Now I don't know if anyone will ever see it again.


Have a safe Labor Day weekend y'all. See you next week.

What won't do, will do. (Or, how to stop the Love Triangle Offense Part 1...)

Despite the image projected above, I'm not a player.

Nor am I J Dilla.




No disrespect to the the late, great one, but I think one girl will do for me.



Of course, as usual, Mr. I-Can't-Use-A-Regular-Bow-No-More - Have-To-Use-A-Multi-Directional-Crossbow himself, Cupid, has decided to make sure that not one, but TWO women, are totally interested in me. (No, the one in the pic is neither woman. Sorry, she was some chica I met at the bar last night.)



Most men would relish at the opportunity to have 2 women wanting him; I, however, am content with having just one. I can't deal with two women wanting your time at the same time, in the same places, doing the same things. (!)

One is a Gemini, such as myself, and she is a greedy one. (She's the Guyanese beauty I spoke about last month, pay attention! © DJ Drama) Last night, I invited Princess Daisy out with me and family to the bar for a couple of drinks and some dancing. She had to work today, so I understood when she declined. However, as I found out, she was kinda upset that I chose to go out with my fam instead of heading back to her place for.... how shall we say.... bed time. Literally. She's a homebody, and she's a sleeper, so, no hanky panky or anything like that, just some good old sleeping. She constantly wants my attention, all the time. (Trust me, I have 542 text messages this month from her that cements my statement.) I don't mind, quite honestly, I love the attention, she's a mean cook, and, she piques my interest simply because she's as sarcastic as I am. For the past month and a half, we've been kicking it, every weekend, movie dates, dinner dates, other dates... It's all been great, it's really been fun, however, there's this problem that I have....

How big, you say?


Oh, about 4'10" of a problem.

The Virgo. My best friend. Princess Peach. She's incredible. She's also just as greedy as the Gemini above. Always wants my attention, and I don't mind giving it, not one bit. Love being around her. The calm to my always moving storm. Whenever I feel like life is pulling me in different directions, she has the innate ability to get me to focus, especially on her. I've been around her for 6 years, on and off, but this year we really became close, speaking everyday. EVERYDAY. Exactly 2 weeks ago, we shared our first kiss. And our second. And out thi...... you get the point. It just felt..... RIGHT. I know I'm playing into the "All men are dogs" stereotype by dating one girl and falling in love with another, but me and the Gemini are doing just that - dating. We aren't together, and she talks to other men. Now, I'm not going to go into detail about the Virgo; same as last post, it's a complicated situation. I can say, however, that if she wasn't going through what she was going through, we would've been together for about.... two weeks now.

*sigh*

This post was supposed to be done earlier. But I ended up going out with the Virgo, and we had a blast, me, her, her son, and her best friend/sister. Of course, I finally told her sister that I had feelings for her best friend, and she cheered me on.


At the exact time that was going on, I received a phone call from the Gemini. She wanted to know when the next time we could spend some time together. I told her I would get back to her as soon as I can. At this point, I don't know what to say or do to either of them.


This just keeps getting better and better.




To be continued.....

Let It Go (Or, It's better to have loved and lost, than to yada, yada, yada...)

I was thisclose.



I had the most interesting happened to me in the past week.


I found my voice.



And I told her the truth.


And my truth was a mirror image of her truth, she felt the same way I did.


She told me that she loved me. And I told her that I loved her.



And all was right in the world.



But of course, Cupid is a funny motherfucker. He invents this stupid ass rule that if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.



So, I let her go.




Too many variables to explain here, but to be blunt, I was too late.


Mind you, I still have her heart. But with what she's going through, I don't want to cloud her mind, she's got different things she needs to concentrate on. With school, her home situation, and things of the like, me entering her life as more than a friend is a little much for her.

And I respect that. But I don't like it.


I think I've gone half crazy.



It's bad, because I want to cry, I need to cry, I should be crying, but damn, I'm so not crying right now.


It hurts when the one you love is so close that you can almost reach out, and hold tight to what you want, only to know that even if you two get together, everything is working against you.


I feel robbed, almost violated, on a level I haven't been touched at in years.

How many of you can honestly say you've fallen in love with your best friend, only to realize one of two things; that either your love is forbidden, or that your love was doomed from the start?



For the second time in my life, I've felt the pain of a person who isn't real. First, it was Percival from Idlewild. Now, finally, after 20+ years, Mario, I can feel your pain.


Love stinks. Love sucks. Love kills slowly. Love is a battlefield.







And I still want it.

Nia Long vs. Scarlett Johansson (Or, Black Love vs. Jungle Fever)

Ok, so that's kind of extreme. But to be real, it's kinda how I was looking at things before I met.... well, you don't need to know all of that. See last post on how I feel about her.


Anyway, if you know me, you know I've got a Nia Long crush that's been ongoing for 16+ years. However, my boy Justin (what up, Mega) alluded me to the beauty that is Scarlett Johansson about a year ago. Never mind the fact that put beside Nia Long, Scarlett looks like.... something not equal to Nia. But part of that is why I think she's so damn beautiful, because she's so... plain. Everything about her is ordinary, which makes her extraordinary.

Let me get on topic.


I work at a pretty diverse building in Downtown Norfolk (same place where FamLay is from). I've gotten to know some good people, and honestly, most of them were Caucasian women. Lust kinda attacked me for a minute, and I crushed on one (or two) of them, but it was fleeting, and by the end of that week, I was totally over it. I had a couple of other co-workers call me out on it, asking me probing questions such as:

"Are you into White Women?"

"What's wrong with dating a Sista?"

"Well, I guess you must really like White meat...."

That last question actually came from another Caucasian woman. That threw me.

I used to be to the point where if I'm out, and I saw an attractive woman, I'd comment on her, maybe even introduce myself, and in rare occasions, try to get a phone number. But, I was doing that with all women, not so much as thinking about race. Now me, I find women attractive period. Doesn't matter what color, creed, what-have-you she is, if I find you attractive, I find you attractive. I would've approached you. It's just that at that moment, I was finding more and more women who are White, beautiful.

Somebody is probably gonna attack me for this blog, but it needs to be out there.

I love my Black women, I really do. At the end of the day, I'm choosing Nia over Scarlett. When it comes down to the bottom line, however, I'll pretty much date anybody. You don't have to be Black or White or some specific "race" for me to find you date-able. Hell, you could be green with brown polka dots, if I think you've got a good personality, and you laugh at my jokes, then you're in like Flynn.

Some women have a serious problem with that, not just the fact that I would date outside of my race, but the fact that I would be so open about it. Why not? Isn't everyone deserving of love, whether black or white, male or female?

Is it really that much of an issue?

Here's my stance on that. If you are a woman, over the age of 21, I would've dated you if we had good chemistry. Period. You could've been African-American, Caucasian, Puerto Rican, Dominican, Asian, Iraqi, Canadian, Spanish, Springfieldian, Hip Hop, Rock, Country, Punk, Ska, Trip Hop, more Ford than Chevy, more motorcycle than car, walk more than talk, drama over comedy, whatever, I didn't care. You didn't have to be just African-American for me to date you. I love women, I love every aspect of women, and just because your background is different than mine, doesn't mean that I wouldn't have dated you. Sorry. My perfect woman just may be different than me in every way, and maybe that's how it's supposed to be. All I know is that I like women. Quote me on this - Fuck race. How's that, America?

P.S. This whole post, I've been speaking in past tense, as, of right now, I am exclusively dating ONE woman. And yes, she is of a different "race". She's from Guyana. How you like them apples?

Definition of Character (Or; Is she relationship material, or have I placed her in the friend zone?)

Sorry I've been away, M.Dot.


Had a busy week.


While I was work this week, I had an interesting conversation with Vex about the descriptions that men use for women that they are currently courting or dating.

He said that the girl he went to the movies with was "sweet". I raised an eyebrow to that, asked him again if that's what he meant. He said it was. I asked him if that meant she had no chance of being in a relationship with him. He said he thought about it, but eventually, she really wasn't what he was looking for in a significant other.

A.K.A. sweet.


As if a light bulb came on in my head, I thought about all the women I thought was "sweet", and those who I called "sweet women". And yes, there is a difference.

I had a date (or two) with a beautiful woman this week, and I must admit, she's a sweet woman. She's intellectual, witty, AND, here's the kicker, she can take joke or two. Earlier this year I had a date with a woman who, while nice and cool, wasn't really my speed, so when someone asked about her, she was simply sweet. Wish I had more to say about her, but nothing really stood out about her, and I don't want to come off as if she was some immature woman who didn't know what time it was. She wasn't, she just wasn't for me. I'm quite sure she's with someone who has more to gain from her, but I couldn't get on board with what she was talking about.

Men, just like women, have ways of placing people in certain categories. While I did agree with that whole 4 stage breakdown, I thought to myself, what if my personal breakdown goes even further than that? I mean, when I start breaking it down to interpersonal relationships, acquaintances , co-workers, and the like, I get so many more than 4 categories. Right now, I'm with a woman who's in the Time Getter category, which means, I enjoy my time with her, I don't mind spending more time with her, and she has the strong odds of becoming Baby Girl. Seeing as I don't have a Wifey at the moment, Baby Girl, according to the definition, is just one step away from becoming the Wifey. And since we're just dating right now (or more, who knows, we just turned a Blockbuster night into a weekend getaway....), I'm thinking I want to explore more options with her, like introducing her to close friends.

And, as any man will tell you, being introduced to the main crew is a big thing with us. That means you don't end up within the 4-months-of-dating-and-hasn't-met-any-of-his-friends-yet category.

See, if I say a woman is sweet, she's just that, sweet. Nothing more, nothing less. So, you've got a potential friend, or at the very least, a cuddle buddy to chill with. Of course, she knows her position, and she plays it well, she never steps across the line.

On the other hand, if I say she's a sweet woman, and then I spit out a flurry of other adjectives after that, then she means something to me, and I know, at least in my head, I want it to go somewhere other than down the street where I've been before.


Who knows, maybe it's all in my head.

But next time, listen to what dudes are saying. We drop clues in every word we say (and DON'T say) about what we have, what we want, and what we expect for the future.



Just some food for thought. You do the dishes.

~She Hate Me


P.S. Just in case you were wondering, I'm that Old Flame dude, to almost every female I've come across, with the major exception of Baby Mama. And I don't have to explain that category, do I? Lucky for me, I've only got one in that column.