MOWNL: Chapter 1

I'm in love.

I know that's not really a way to start off writing something, but it's the truth.

I've been in love with the same woman for 18 years. What's funny is that I'm only 28. So yeah, I've been in love with the same woman since I was 10.

Before I forget, let me apologize to every woman I've ever dated seriously. Sorry, but you were always number two compared to her. I can't help it.

I've rotated my whole life around her. Seriously. My first girlfriend was a girl who looked like her. Not a whole lot, but she favored her a bit. I was building my way up to asking her out. I went ahead in life thinking about her. In middle school, I was dreaming about her, wondering what she was doing when we weren't in each other's presence. In high school, I was cutting class just to go see her, see what she was doing. I supported everything she ever did. I always thought she was the smartest woman in the world, and that she could do nothing wrong.

Look back at what I just wrote, it seems as if I have an obsession with this woman. Well, I do.

Kinda.

I don't want to say it's an obsession, because it makes me seem... stalker-ish. And that's not the case at all. I don't stalk her, but I do see her every chance I get.

Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you who she is. She goes by so many different names. Kat Speakes was how I was introduced to her. Then her name was Brandi. Wait, no, it was Zora. But then, she said her name was Lisa, which wasn't entirely true, because her name was Beulah. Then, I was told Debbie, Nina, Bird (which was a nickname, it was actually Tracy), Myra, Jordan, Donna, Rae, Leslie, Abbie, Karen, Sherry, Sasha, Sandra, Lonette, Suzanne, Annie, and then Vanessa.

But none of those names matter to me. I'm not in love with any of those women. I only have eyes for one woman. My heart flutters for one woman. My mind daydreams about one woman.

Her name is Nitara Carlynn Long. But you know her as Nia.

And this is my story on how I finally married her.

Day 55

Mood: Chilling

Mode: DJ mode (listening to MAD music right now, shout to 88 Keys for The Death Of Adam)


Thoughts: So, my brother told me that should blog more.

What scares me the most is that people aren't really ready to hear what I think.

I think. LOL


I don't really have a stance on the economy, simply because we ALL going through it whether wealthy, rich, check to check, or broke as hell.

I hope that Rihanna is well, and I hope that Chris is well, too, but I don't really think their situation is any of our business.

The NY Post has been hit by the recession too, and besides, they've always been the type of paper to post anything to get a response and get people to buy it. Which is why I wasn't shocked by the monkey (or chimp as they so lovingly call it) cartoon.

I don't know what else to say. I mean, right now, things are coasting along. I'm trying to finish writing my book (I started, scrapped it, started again, scrapped it, and finally decided on something good....) so I can give my publisher SOMETHING more than the first 4 chapters....LOL

As a matter of fact, I'll post the first chapter to one of my books tonight. That'll be good. Therapeutic, too.

I'm out.

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Now playing: 88-Keys - Close Call (feat. Phonte)
via FoxyTunes

Day 45

Mood: Relaxed


Mode: Chill


Thoughts: You know, 7 people died on this date 80 years ago, over booze, bootlegging, and money.

And somebody's wallet died today from overuse.

It was sad. The wallet didn't have to go that way.

Why do men feel as if they need to go all out on ONE day out of the year? Like, it's really gonna make up for all the B.S. you put your S.O. through the other 364 days out of the year. Listen, I like for people to be consistent. If you're gonna be a cheating, lying, no-good, two-timing asshole, be a cheating, lying, no-good, two-timing asshole all 365 days, not wait until V-Day to 'apologize' with that sorry ass teddy bear, the same teddy bear every other girl in her office received, and some lame ass dinner that you didn't even cook.

Save that money up. Get her a new lease on the relationship, or at least let her out of the current lease.



Moving on, I had an ok day. Woke up to a e-card from Twin, which set my day completely right. Talked to Torri for a LONG time this morning over im, learned a lot in the process. Went to work. Laughed it up with everybody there. Went out to Chilli's with The Gemini. Forget ok, I had a great day.

And it didn't have to be Valentine's Day for me to have a great day, either.

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Now playing: 88-Keys - Dirty Peaches (feat. J'Davey)
via FoxyTunes

Day 35

Mood: Melancholy


Mode: Hurt


Thoughts: I hurt.


I hurt for you.


I hurt because I know the pain that you're going through. I know what you're dealing with. I know why you keep putting up with it. Part of it is because you told me, but part of it is that I've been there before.

I know about the late nights spent up questioning yourself. I know about the days going to work wondering if everybody can see how that person makes you feel. I know all about being in public and feeling naked because it feels like everybody can see right through you. I know all about the river of tears streaming down your face constantly. I know about fighting the urge to forgive and forget everything just for a second chance. I know all about nights trying to sleep and all you can do is chase old memories about how things used to be. I know all about criticizing yourself in the mirror for hours on end inside and out, trying to figure out what you did or didn't do wrong. I know all about asking yourself why they don't want you any more.

I know all about it because I've walked in those same shoes.

I wish I could take that pain from you. I wish I could give you the life you deserve. I wish that you could be happy forever, no matter what the cost to me would be. I want that so bad for you. I always did.

Maybe my first wish is coming true. I can FEEL your pain, I can taste your tears. If you knew how bad I hurt for you.

I can't spit that old crap about 'It'll get better.' 'You'll find somebody else.' or, my personal favorite 'It's their loss.' You've heard it all before, and so have I, and I can tell you, it doesn't make it any better.

The only thing I can do is be there for you, just as I've always been there for you, just as I will always be there for you, no matter what.

Remember that.

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Now playing: Adele - Make You Feel My Love
via FoxyTunes

Day 34

Mood: Cool


Mode: Mirror-ish.



Thoughts: So, I talked to my sister tonight on some real things. She told me something that I knew, but I never took time out to think about.

I am scarred. For life.

But not physical scars. No, these are mental scars, emotional scars, things that I fought for and through, to get where I am right now at this very second. And I say that because I'm a Gemini. I can change in the drop of a hat.

I'm healing quite nicely. Partly because I'm surrounded by some good energy right now. I know there's some people out there who cares and appreciates me. I was told today that I was appreciated. That felt good. Especially since all I was doing was being me.

I'm healing pretty good. Partly because I learn to let things go. I haven't held on to one issue this year. And that feels wonderful. I had problems with letting things in the past go. I would add it to the weight I was already putting on my shoulders.

I'm healing kinda quickly. Partly because I've got goals in mind, things that I'm going to accomplish. Maybe not this year, maybe not this decade, but I will accomplish them. That's the good part. I'm feeling like I can do this, no matter what it is.

But the scars will always be visible. Mainly because I've learned a lesson from every single scar I earned and received.

And I don't want to forget those life lessons.

Ever.

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Now playing: Jay-Z - When The Money Goes
via FoxyTunes