Day 118 (The death of "Swag")

I should've played B.I.G.

No offense to Gravy, but I think I would've knocked that role out the park. Gravy did fine as an actor, but as B.I.G.? He was missing one thing and he tried to replace it with another.

"Heartthrob? Never. Black and ugly as ever, however, I stay Coogi down to the socks..." - The Notorious B.I.G.

Gravy tried to replace charisma with "Swag". Didn't work. B.I.G. never had swag, and he probably would've never tried to have it either; he didn't need it.

He had charisma. Any female that knew him would tell you that.

I'm charismatic to say the least. Charming at best. Ask any female that knows me. I know what to say, how to say it, how to get that initial giggle out of a female. I'll never win any beauty contests. I'll never end up as Creole Stallion's Hot Chocolate. And I'm cool with that. I've known that since middle school.

My brother will tell you, we never spit 'game'. Like my boy Micah said, "I don't have the patience to play games..." Not with female emotions, anyway. I play video games. More on that in another post. I never needed to, I know how to connect with a female without making them feel like I'm trying to get in their pants, even if at times, that was the ultimate goal.

"Who they attracting with that line 'What's your name? What's your sign?' Soon as he buy that wine, I'm gonna creep up from behind..." - B.I.G.

I think that the word "swag" should go the way of "bling bling" and "jiggy". Seriously. Everybody wants to have it, and people pay out of pocket with rent money, grocery money, and whatever else they get their hands on to impress whomever. A guy like me, I come along, and I show a side that most females haven't come across. I can hang with the best of them. I can take a joke and kick one out, too. I have a super nautral high, I'm the party starter, the go-getter, the person to have with you in the club because you know I'm going to do something crazy, and I haven't had one drink. I use my charisma and charm.

I have that in spades.


Because I'm such a charmer, females think that I use it to be naughty. NO. I have no need to. I can tell you upfront what I want, and you'll like it. If you don't, no harm, no foul, I K.I.M. I'm not into the shady business. If a female likes me, she REALLY likes me, not some front or misrepresentation of me.

Someone today asked me if I wanted to "turn my swag on" by bying some chain. I laughed in his face. I don't want "swag". I hope it dies. I killed it for me. I don't need it. I don't feel the need to be socially accepted by my peers. I could care less if you "hate" me or not. I don't need money or a fancy car or something outrageous to be myself. I'm just charismatic to say the least. Charming at best.

And your girl likes it. As a matter of fact, she loves it. Ask her about me.

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Now playing: Notorious B.I.G. - Big Poppa
via FoxyTunes

Day 112 (Stay Up! {Viagra} Edition)

Mood: Aight

Mode: Cruise Control


Thoughts: So, I'm trying to keep my composure.

I'm trying to keep my cool.

I'm trying to-

Shit, who am I fooling? It's crazy. I'm thinking.... about this woman.



She's... I've said enough about her in the past. She's great, awesome, beautiful, etc. And ever since Sunday, I've been thinking about her. Can't get her off my mind, and at this point, I don't think I really want to.

OH. I can say something about her. I can bring her home to my momma.

That's a good thing.

I've been riding the night train for the past 72 hours. I can't sleep, because I close my eyes and smile because I'm thinking about her. So, I'm up, moving around, trying to get her out of my brain, trying to make it so I can get some sleep.

Doesn't work.

Her... her mental capacity is like Cialis, Levitra, and Viagra all rolled into one. I'm serious, it's a major turn on. I love how she thinks, and she knows this. We actually had a video battle. She was listening to that old Troop song (All I Do Is Think Of You), and I was, of course, being me, wondering how could I make this more interesting.

So we kept talking and then she took it to Raphel Saadiq with the Ask Of You video. Me being silly, I asked if any of that was for me. She smiled and said "Uhh, yeah." Instantly, that made me smile, hell, I'm smiling right now. So, I had to fire back. I had to come up with a video that would make even the most prudish woman blush. I had to-

Then, it came to me.

This.

Her: (4/20/2009 12:04:52 AM): WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Her: (4/20/2009 12:04:55 AM): You DID NOT!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Me: (4/20/2009 12:04:59 AM): I did.
Her: (4/20/2009 12:05:02 AM): THAT IS MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: (4/20/2009 12:05:23 AM): I would give some amazing-

Yeah, I went there. Needless to say, the conversation got a LOT more interesting over the next 3 hours.

I'm such a fucking gentleman. So, no hints here on what was discussed.

But it's left me up for the past 96 hours.

And I'm so tired. I look like a zombie. But I'm so intrigued right now.

I'm not rushing shit. I will take my time, hell, just to get to this point, I've taken a LOT of time. A little more won't hurt me, not in the least bit.

"Man this is classic
Call her National Geographic
Her ass is African, but her eyes so Asian
Plus the waist and, time's a-wastin'"

I know 'Ye. But I'm not wasting anything. I promise. I'm gonna slow cook it. I'm gonna make sure it's just right before I bite.

Take that as you will.

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Now playing: 88-Keys - Stay Up! (Viagra) (feat. Kanye West)
via FoxyTunes

Day 109

Mood: Good

Mode: Cheesing


Thoughts: So...

So...

I can't even get my thoughts right. I'm smiling and laughing.

And... just, wow.


That's it. That's all I can say. Good night!

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Now playing: Amerie - That's What U R
via FoxyTunes

Day 101

I packed the dishes away.

I folded the last of the clothes and placed them into the box.

She walks into the room. Standing at the dresser, she folds her arms. "Is that all of it?" I nod my head. "Did you get all of my DVD's? And my CD's?" I nod my head. She sighs.

I walk to the living room and give the 2 boxes to her new friend. The one I didn't know about until last night. The one that kept calling her at all hours of the night. The one that had her in a funky mood, a sexy mood, a defensive mood, a forgiving mood. He nods his head, closes the door, and walks to the car.

She walks over to me. She touches my arm. I pull away.

"Don't be like that. It's not you. It's me. I told you that."

I sneer at her. "Oh yeah, it's you alright. It's always about you, nobody else. Did you tell him that? How everything has to be about you? How you control every aspect of every decision? From the beginning to the end?"

She scoffs, "I didn't decide to end the relationship. You did."

My face felt hot. "No, YOU did when you invited HIM into OUR relationship."

"It wasn't like that. One thing just-"

"Led into another, yeah, I got that. What I don't get is, you say you don't love him, that you love me, and yet you're leaving with him. Where's the logic in that? 3 years? 3 years, and you throw it away on a fling that won't last 2 months."

She shakes her head. "I love you. I always will." She walks to me and tries to kiss me. I turn my head away. She touches my shoulder and walks out of the house.

I stand in my living room, which immediately feels empty. I walk to the framed photos of us and take the pictures out. I throw them away. I go to my bedroom and pull the sheets off the bed, which smells like her, and I throw them away, too. I feel the tears fall down my face.

I fall to my knees, crying. I love her, I already miss her, and now I'm crying like a baby in the middle of the room. I felt self-conscience about my weight, my face, my height, everything. I saw him. He looked like some running back for the Dallas Cowboys. My anger at her builds. Why would she do this to us? Even after all that we went through, the miscarriages, the yelling, the fussing, we still were together. Why? WHY?

I stand up and walk to the shower. I cut it on cold water and step in, clothes on and all. I fall to my knees again, and cry.

This is the pain that people go through when the love leaves. This is the pain that I feel right now. This is all the hurt that will never go away. This is what happens when one person stops loving the other, and fails to let them know.

This is a new scar on my heart.

And I don't think it will ever heal.

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It's almost 3 AM. I'm wide awake, staring at my ceiling fan in the living room, watching it spin.

The phone rings. I ignore it. I know who it is, I know what she wants.

The phone stops ringing after the 3rd ring. There is 3 quick taps at my door. I ignore it.

I hear the doorknob turn, and the air from outside comes rushing in as the door opens. She comes in and closes the door.

I don't look up at her. She comes over and sits in front of the couch I'm laying on. She sighs. I still don't acknowledge that she's there.

"You left the front door open. I- I had called but..."

No answer from me.

"Talk to me. Please. Say something."

Still no answer. Eyes wide open, staring at the fan.

"I left. He's... not what I expected. After we left here yesterday morning, I started moving my stuff in with him. He flips the script, laying down 'rules' as if I was a child. We got into a big argument. He kicked me out, told me that he wasn't looking to be tied down by me anyway. Then he gloated that I had nobody to go home to before closing the door in my face."

I say nothing. Watching the ceiling fan spin and spin.

"What do you want me to say, huh? 'I'm sorry?' Well, I am sorry that I left you like that. I should've..." She looks at me. I refuse to make eye contact.

I hear her weeping.

"I'm not asking you to take me back. I'm not even asking if I can stay here tonight. I am asking you, however, to forgive me. Please. Just forgive me."

I still say nothing. I replay the events from earlier in my mind. I replay our relationship in my mind, wondering if it's all worth it, if she's worth it.

"At least tell me you still love me? Show me that you still care for me? Show me that my love for you isn't all for nothing?"

I blink. I blink again. Finally, I sit up on the couch. She moves up and sits on the couch beside me. She puts her head on my shoulder. My shirt is now wet with the tears she cries out.

I place my hand on hers. She wraps her fingers around mine, intertwining them.

This is what a relationship is all about. The rise and the fall and the rise again.

My heart still has that scar. But it's beginning to heal, much to my surprise, ever so slowly.

Day 97

Mood: Playful

Mode: Listening


Thoughts: Twitter has ruined my social life and the way I converse with people.

Hear me out. This is a conversation I had with Diora on AIM:

Me: I just sent an answer to your question on Twitter.
Her: Ok, cool, I'll go read it.
Me: Wait. Is there a reason why we can't have this conversation here on AIM?
Her: Because we're talking about something different on Twitter. No need to mix conversations.
Me: Er, ok. So anyway...

I have had 4 convos like this in the past 3 days. I've been ON THE PHONE with my brother, and will still send him a tweet.

I get mad when I see the Fail Whale. I hate the fact that I was tweeting (that sounds so... I don't know, glowstick-like to me) during Wrestlemania 25 and it deleted ALL of them. I don't like the fact that people won't call me, nor text me, they'll just twitter me. And I embrace it. Fully.

I have met some wonderful people on Twitter. But I think it's replacing the way people converse now. It's like, now, in order to get my point across, I have to do it in 140 characters or less.

They call it micro-blogging. I call it an exhibitionist's playground. Or voyeuristic playground, whichever you prefer. You can tell the whole world what you're doing at THAT EXACT MOMENT.

"I'm in hour 12 of my 36 hour tantric sex marathon!" @iamdiddy
"I'm taking a huge shit right now. It feels so good." @somebody_I_decided_to_unfollow_for_that_crap

It's getting to the point where... I feel like... why bother? Why did I sign up for this? Granted, I signed up LONG before it got popular. But now it feels like MySpace or Facebook where you have your actual friends, and then you've got people who you thought were interesting, and you've got your celebs. On the flip side, you've got the "I need to be SUPER popular on the internet, because I don't have friends in the real world, so let me follow EVERYBODY!" people.

I don't know. I just felt like it changed the way people communicate with each other. Instead of having something profound to say, it's all about who can out-tweet the other person. Who can have the best conversation with as many people as possible.

In less than 140 characters.


By the way, follow me @shehateme.

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Now playing: Outkast - The Clock (feat. Paula Patton)
via FoxyTunes

Day 91

you're wrong about me
i'm no hero
i'm no buddy or pal, or friend
i'm not number one, i'm just a zero

some men fall for the ass, i fall for the eyes
some fall for the breasts, i fall for the brain
some fall for the sex, is that a surprise
i fall for the lips and kisses in the rain

my growth is stunted, no more friends
can't handle the responsibility, or i can, just don't
see, this isn't how it was supposed to end
i'm looking for more will than won't

keep the memories, i don't want them
keep the comments, they aren't needed
keep the hugs, save them for him
keep the pain, it needs to be treated

i had a dream, but it went down the pipe
i had some fun, you remember that night
i had some hope, but i picked it too ripe
i mean you're happy with him, right

no more friends, i have enough
call back tomorrow, i'm out of time
ask how i'm doing, not too tough
i just need 1 person to actually be mine

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Now playing: Kanye West - Welcome To Heartbreak (feat. Kid Cudi)
via FoxyTunes