Day 270 (Throwback)

*I wrote this in 2007. A bit of a relapse, if you will.*

Untitled

I thought we was supposed to make it through anything?
At least that what I thought when I gave you that wedding ring...
Blessings and wishes rained down on us 3 years ago.
We shared our dreams, embraced our love, and let our fears go.
But now, a host of problems later,
Seems as if to our relationship we don't cater.
Forget getting an abundance of love, you can't even place the order.
No more home cooked food, you best run for the border.
We don't even talk... about nothing at all.
Looks like our lust for each other set us up for the fall.
Sex was good in the beginning, now, even that's fallen to the wayside.
So, nothing else is left for us to have in common, and you wonder why my emotions I hide?
Scared of you to find out the truth, which is what I believe
to be the end all, be all, final straw, last nerve to make you leave.
I knew about your boyfriend, saw him kissing your lips.
I didn't get mad, I actually gave him some tips.
See, those days where you said you was in class,
I knew you was at his house giving up some ass.
Sorry for being so crass, but I guess it needed to be said.
I want you to be with him, simply because our relationship is dead.
Or was it even alive in the first?
Place my trust that he'll treat you better, satisfy your thirst.
He'll be your Sprite, you'll be his Pixie.
We've gone too far for this to be fixed, see.
I had to learn how to let you go, it's better for us both.
A flower needs sunshine to facilitate it's growth.
I had to stop drowning you with rain or burying you with more dirt.
You don't need me anymore, and I know this is more hurt.
Band-Aids over bullet wounds does nothing but make things more sticky.
So saying this to you made things a little more tricky.
More complicated, more difficult, I keep saying more, but I need less.
Less of you, less of us, less of what we call stress...


And that's Love.

Day 265 (Purple Honey)

Sexuality is at a peak
So let me take a peek
Not at your panties, no
I wanna see your soul so
Open your eyes, look into mine
Give me a moment, everything will be fine
Don't blink, I might not see it
What society wants, I might not be it

But you soul says 'I don't care'
And your eyes say 'Stay right there'
And you're holding my hands tight
And your moan says 'Cancel plans tonight'
And your hips say 'Come closer baby'
And your yoni's wetness is driving me crazy
And it's getting very thick between us, the air.
And I'm dying for another taste of your Purple Honey, that which is so rare.

Day 263 (Awkward)

I remember the last time I saw her.


It was February of 2008. We went to Red Robin to talk about why we shouldn't date anymore.


Well, that was coming from my end. She still wanted to date me.


We were incompatible at best, plain wrong for each other at worst. She was a homebody, a non-book reader, didn't like ANY music, could care less about current events (worldly or pop), very reserved, almost shy.

I was the complete opposite.

So, that night, I wanted to tell her that while I think she's a good person (she was), I just don't think we mesh well enough to date. I'm too extroverted. I read a lot. I'm up on the news and up on pop culture. I love music. It just wouldn't work for us.

She caused a scene; first trying to beg and plead with me to work things out (as if we were already in a relationship) and then resorted to calling me all types of names, said I was out to "have sex with her" (mind you, I only HUGGED the woman, never even tried to kiss her, so sex was the furthest thing from my mind) and that I was racist.

That's right, she said I was racist. Because she's Caucasian. She said that she thought I was just trying to be seen as different because I was a black man dating a white woman.


Sad that she felt that way.


I started dating her because I thought she was interesting. You know how sometimes quiet people have that "thing" about them? Well, she did. And being the inquisitive person I am, I had to find out what that "thing" was. It didn't have anything to do with race; I love women, period.


Flash forward to 19 months later.


I was running errands today and I needed to make a quick stop. As I was in the store, I felt a couple of eyes on me. I turn and look, and it's her. She comes sauntering down the isle, trying to blink her eyes in some sort of seductive way; honestly, it looked like she got some dust in them. She looked different, hair went from chestnut red to dirty blond. She had shoulder length hair when I met her; now, she had the Kate Gosselin cut. It really didn't suit her round face. She lost some weight; I noticed that immediately. Not that she looked completely bad, but she didn't need to lose the weight, unless it was for health reasons, and I can't imagine that for her. She looks at me and the most awkward conversation I've ever had began.

Her: How are you?!? I haven't seen you in a LONG time!

Me: I'm fine, how are you?

Her: Oh, I'm doing great! After we stopped dating, I went on a small diet and started exercising. I lost some weight.

Me: ...I noticed. You look... different.

Her: Oh, the hair? *runs fingers through it, tried to flip what's there* I decided to get a bit dramatic, you know, not be such a mousy person.

Me: Mousy isn't really a word I would use to descri-

Her: And I got back with my ex. I should've never left him in the first place, but everything happens....

Me: *blank stare*

Her: Yeah, me and my ex are back together.

Me: So... you took a step back?

Her: *cackles* You always had that defense mechanism about you.

Me: That's not really a adjectiv-

Her: I think my tits got bigger. Look at them.

Me: *blank stare*

Her: And my ass? OH. It has gotten SO firm. Wanna squeeze it? It's ok. My boyfriend and I have an open relationship. It was his idea when we first got back together.

Me: *blank stare* So... you took TWO steps back?

Her: *cackles* You are so funny! And you still cute, in that boyish type of way.

Me: Um... thanks?

Her: I was thinking we should exchange numbers... catch back up with one another.

Me: I don't think that would be appropriat-

Her: I need a "buddy" if you know what I mean. He's not having sex with me right now.

Me: Um, I really didn't need to kno-

Her: I'll give it to you. You can have it. You can tak-

Me: You know what? Yeah, I think I need to go.


And so, I walked away shaking my head.

What bothers me the most is, I felt like she was serious. I'm a goofy guy, I can take a joke or two, and I have a good sense to know when someone is tugging my chain. But this? This felt like a sad attempt from a woman who got back with her ex because she felt like no one else would want to be with her.

It's awkward to see someone you used to date, and they try to make themselves more desirable for you, as if you'll just drop everything and say "Oh, I've DREAMED of a moment where we could possibly date again, thank you for giving me that chance."

It's downright depressing.

I see it all the time, especially from men. "Yeah, so, remember when you dumped me in high school 15 years ago? Well, now I got this new truck, and my house is paid for, and I can have any woman in the world." But you're trying to pick up an old classmate? On some old revenge thing? Fail.

Women are just as bad. "So, you know, after I lost 300 pounds and stopped smoking weed, I decided to get fake breasts. Don't I look sexy now?" No. You look desperate. No self respecting man wants a desperate woman. Fail.


There is something to be said about having a desire to prove to someone who "dumped" you that you're better than you were before. The problem comes in, in those cases, that it's not about being dumped, it's about not being compatible with someone. If you don't like at least one of the same things I like or you don't even want to attempt to broaden your horizon, then what's the reason for me to even get to know you, much less date you?


It's just my take on the situation.

Dating is bad enough, I don't need to re-date bad dates.

That's like re-heating already burnt cooked popcorn. The pop is gone, you can't get it back.

And it tastes horrible.

Day 262 (While you were sleeping...)

The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


So, last night, I slept alone.


This is starting off good, no?


Seriously, I've been sleeping alone for a minute now. It's not a big deal to me, yet last night, I felt the pain of reaching out for someone who wasn't there.

It's funny; I learned to be by myself, to know myself and enjoy me... but it doesn't mean I like it. I wish I had a female laying next to me - me via Twitter

When I was happily married co-habituating, sleeping with her at night, even for those short 3 or 4 hours before she had to wake for work was... soothing. She used to hold me at night; she said she couldn't sleep comfortably otherwise. To have a warm body next to you, to feel their breathing patterns while sleeping because their breasts are pressed against your back because they are so close to you, to hold someone close and plant small kisses on their neck while they sleep, to feel them snuggle closer to you... it's a feeling that is simply wonderful.

And it's one that I miss. (The feeling, not her. Replace her with Kerry Washington, and I would have the same feelings. Maybe some extra.)

Mind you, while I have my own comments about "cuddle buddies", last night was the first time I could understand why some women (and men) have them. (For the record, basically I feel like if you two aren't good friends, you should never have someone of the opposite sex sleeping in your bed for nothing but the art of sleeping with someone, that's bad business. Even if you two are friends, be careful of the emotions and feelings that may emerge while half asleep, both good AND bad.) The late night talks about nothing at all. The intertwining of fingers and legs. Nothing sexual, but just.... closeness. Turning over and watching that person sleep; the facial twitches as they dream, looking at their REM (Random Eye Movement), that smile as they wake up and realize they are sleeping with someone they are comfortable with.

In all fairness, part of me feeling this way last night had to do with me just being alone. Not all the time; I'm surrounded by people I love, but even being around the ones I love, I noticed that they all have something I don't: a person to fall asleep with. I'm not gonna get into the whole "third wheel" thing, but sometimes, I wistfully look at my brother and sister and see how happy they are. Or my mom and her boyfriend. My grandparents, even. I see them, and even with all the joy I have in my life, and all the exciting things I have going on, I still feel a twinge of envy.

Envy about not having someone there to hold, or to hold me.


In the end, however, they are just passing emotions. They do re-occur every now and again, and they pass in that same 'every now and again' moment.

But while you were sleeping last night, I was awake. Staring at a ceiling.


Wishing she was here, sleeping beside me.

----------------
Now playing: Flying Lotus - Tea Leaf Dancers
via FoxyTunes

Day 253 (The Self Imposed Embargo and Guest Blogging)

So on Monday (which was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day © Alexander. Not to mention, Tuesday was worse), I decided to impose a embargo on myself and not post or use social networking for a while.

We see how long THAT lasted.

The reason for my embargo was simple; I just didn't feel like bombarding people with my sad, confused, and depressed emotions. I was (and still am) dealing with an important issue in my life, and I just don't think it needed to be put out there.

Besides, I didn't want to have to answer the Million Dollar Question: What's wrong?

Answering that would've been a 45 minute soliloquy conversation.


What lifted my embargo, however, was a request from a friend of mine in NC, Alise. She asked me to guest blog for today, and I obliged. Two reasons; one, it was a favor for a friend, and two, I could get some of these emotions off my chest without having to explain what happened.

I succeeded in both.

So, without making you wait any longer, here's the link to Alise's WONDERFUL blog.

Black Woman Lost And Found

Also, I did an editorial in July on another site. I think that I raised some important points and questions. Please, feel free to visit my two female ATLiens on their site.

ATL State Of Mind

I have some other sites I'll be guest blogging for in the upcoming weeks, so be sure to keep checking back. As always, however, the place to get my weird, yet always honest point of view will always be here.

Blogs Of The Invisible Soul

Stop by. Take a look. I promise, you'll like what I have to say, or your money back.

*Seeing as you REALLY didn't put any money in, I'd say that's a win-win, no?

~She Hate Me

...

raw emotion
pure devotion
that's what you wanted right
but it's not enough, like
we have to always fight
like, every other week, ending in goodnight
like, i'm not who i say i am
like, i don't kneel down and pray i am
like, someone better but there's nothing more than
what it was and
since i was at fault i
take it on the up and up man
i mean man up, dude
no need to be rude
to her, she don't deserve
what you're pitching is straight curve
but that's not true
to what you believe, you
want to be there but
you heart is nowhere but
where it wants to be
with her on her pillow
as she weeps and will o
will i keep promises to self and
play background up on the shelf and
make moves in silence and
keep us in balance i
can't keep doing this we
can do better she
thinks i'm ungrateful
so she spits out hateful
things that hurt more
almost as much or
maybe even worse
than that night, i write in verse
because at times i want to curse
myself for our ship's in a hearse
about to buried six feet under dirt
and i do feel hurt but
men don't feel pain
so i am questioning if i'm sane
i promised myself once
to never go here again
yet i find myself
back in the same position
and i find myself wishing
that we could just walk it out
but even then would we talk about
how you treat me now
and how i treated you then
and my treatment now
about you being more than a friend
when all i want is for
this ship to reach shore
but we are sinking too quickly
for us to keep it strictly
at arms length and
i'm losing strength and
my stamina's getting low and
that's the way love go
back to being jaded
thoughts are r rated
ready to be contested
and hotly debated
this is what's left inside
is these words that i scribe
i wish i could stop expecting
and just start accepting
that nothing is ever meant to be
not you, not me, not us, not we...

I can't say any more than that.

*steps back*