Thursday, April 15, 2010

Fear




I started playing video games when I was 3.


I had a Sega Master System. The first one, with the green 'play' button. The first two games I ever owned was Hang-On and Astro Warrior. I played those game to no end.

On my 7th birthday, I got a Nintendo. I think that opened the flood gates. Super Mario Bros. Duck Hunt. Double Dribble. RBI Baseball. I started playing more and more video games.

I remember when my best friend James got a Super Nintendo in '91. I was so jealous but I was so happy because I could go to his house and play as much as I wanted. I BEGGED my mother to get me one. I never got it. I was mad at my mother. Christmas of 1995, I thought I finally got one. Turned out, Mom got me a Playstation. I was so disappointed. (Until I played it. Go figure.)

I'm an avid gamer. Always have been. Always will be, as far as I can see. Sometimes, I feel like I'm into them too much, or play too much, or blow people off too much because I need to beat one more level. A couple of months ago, me and my sister sat and watched a True Life episode: I'm Addicted To Gaming. To see these people and how they game, I thought that I'm nowhere NEAR that bad.

Then I become honest with myself.

There have been nights I did the Midnight Release for a game (The last one I did was GTA IV). There were times I didn't want to go out with a group of friends because I needed to finish off Yu Yevon in FFX. There were times I forgot to take out the trash because I finally did a sub 1 minute 10 second 40 line run in Tetris. There were times I didn't sleep because I had to get that one shot kill on Alexander Ashford in Resident Evil: Code Veronica. There were times I was late to work because I was creating a new combo in Tekken Tag Tournament. There were times I called out of work because me and my Greenbriar Mall Crew were having a dance off against the crew from Lynnhaven Mall and they NEEDED my perfect 9 footer for End Of The Century. There were times I ignored my future wife's (and ex-wife) conversation because I had to save King Mickey in Kingdom Hearts.

I look back and think to myself that I was addicted to video games. I shudder at the thought... because I have a fear of becoming a 'hardcore gamer', or at least society's view of a hardcore gamer: Mountain Dew drinking, pizza ordering recluse.

Then I realize that fear has no basis. I can walk away whenever I need to. I have before. I will again.

My fear isn't video games.

My fear is that I'm absolutely right. I have an addictive personality.

I read my first newspaper when I was 2. I can read a 350 page book in under 4 hours. I've spent all day in a library. In the 2nd grade, I was reading at a 6th grade level. By 5th grade, I was reading at a 12th grade level. I stared reading the encyclopedia. My mom stopped buying me books, not because I didn't read them, but because I read them too fast. She got me a library card.

In 6th grade, I met this girl. I'll call her 'K' for now. K was (and is) BEAUTIFUL. She made me her best friend, and I made her mine. We did everything together. At that time, I didn't play video games or read as much because I was too busy up under her. We went to our first dance together. We visited each other often. I ended up moving 2 years later, and we fell out of touch, but I always treasured what we had. (I've since found her on Facebook. We've been talking a lot lately.)

I latched onto the next female that showed me more attention than I thought I deserved. And the next one. And then the next one. I had an unhealthy addiction to females: not really becoming their boyfriend, but just being around one that wasn't family.

Women were my next addiction. Hell, they still are.

And then came school. (While I admit I was a slacker, it was because I was bored. I kept my grades up.) And then came drinking. (Patrón Silver. I could drink a bottle by myself in one night. I haven't had a shot of that in months.) And then came sex. (Me and my ex's had sex OFTEN. Too often. I'm a certified nymphomaniac. I haven't had sex in 8 months and counting.) And then came technology. (I'm a tech head. I need the latest and greatest, just to show it off. Then I need to alter it so I can say nobody else got this. I'm trying to curb that, too.) And then came Twitter. (I'm trying to fall back. It's sorta working, but not really.)

I have an addictive personality. And some nights, I fear that it'll get the best of me.

I finally understand what The Virgo was trying to tell me 3 years ago. It wasn't that she didn't love me. She did. She didn't understand how I could fall for her so deeply and so quickly. That scared her away. Now, 3 years later, I'm pushing females away because I don't want them to get too close to me. I fear pushing them away from me because I think I'll attach to them, like a leech or a parasite. I'm quick to say I love being single, but in reality, I hate being alone.

I fear being single for the rest of my life. I fear my addictive personality will hinder me from actually getting into a meaningful relationship. I fear my addictive personality will give me new things to fear, even though I don't really have that fear at all.

I've been using my fear as a crutch. And it wasn't healthy.

So, I'm back to my beginning, where I was at 26 years ago. I'm back into gaming. I've grown tired of the club scene. I have a set group of family and friends who I kick it with. I picked up one or two new friends since, but nothing too serious. I've been drinking in moderation, but I haven't been drunk in almost a year. I've met a lot of new females, but I've been keeping my distance on purpose.

Afraid of falling back into that old trap. Afraid of continuing this circle of destruction. Destruction of personal relationships. Destruction of myself.

I don't want to be addicted to anything, and yet, I'm addicted to almost everything. Movies. TV. (I don't watch TV much anymore. I went from almost 5 hours a day to almost 2 hours a week.) Pop culture. Music. Books. Computers. Women. Sex. I want to know the ins and outs of it all, figure out how it works, and keep it close to me.

Perhaps I am fooling myself. Maybe I'm just surrounding myself with all of this because-


Because I fear myself.


Then again, who am I fooling? I have a blog. And I'm addicted to telling you as much as possible about me without telling you nothing at all.


----------------
Now playing: Drake - Fear
via FoxyTunes

15 comments:

MissMelony said...

If I could only explain to you how much I feel and understand this post. I am the same way, I get addicted to things, people, places even.

I totally feel this post.

I think the fact that you know it about yourself speaks volumes, especially when so many other people lie to themselves about who they are.

I like this.

She Hate Me said...

Thank you, Melony.

It means a LOT for you to read and comment on this. I think it's my most personal blog yet.

RoByn LaTice said...

I become the same way about things. Addicted to people, things..and even lost thoughts.

This was so well written...wrote out a big piece of my personality. Like you said though, I just have to remember they arent really addictions after all, bc just like you i can walk away when i want to. It just takes will power. Thank you sharing this.

She Hate Me said...

Thank you, Robyn.

Lost thoughts... hm.

Last year, I think I got addicted to a lost memory.

JStar said...

I also have an addicitive personality...I consume myself into people and things...Like you said, maybe hiding from myself...The relationship thing was hard for me too...I have pushed people away for tooo long...Then I tried, not with my whole heart because I was still scared....Til I realized that I was selling myself short...

Man you aint even mention Atarti anywhere on that list lol..

25champ said...

The first step is admitting you have a prblm which u have clearly done that. I think we all have addictions to something I thinks it's just having the right person who share those same addictions as long as those addictions don't control ur life entirely. Playing video games shouldn't be a problem as long as u meet a woman who enjoys them as well or at least excepts that's that that's ur thing. Atleast u aren't in the street. I think we all have fears of getting to close, but indentifying tthe problem is always the hardest part. U r headed in the right direction. I'm sure u felt better after oppening up.Great Post!

She Hate Me said...

JStar, I DID play Atari... but yeah, my Master System was my first true experience with video games. LOL

Thank you for reading, hon.

25Champ, you're absolutely right. It's hard to take a breather and look INSIDE and see that while you're not perfect, you're still you. I had to do that to get this post out.

Thanks for reading, bro.

Anonymous said...

All these things are true, and you didn't bring out your huge music collection.

I am like you with the addictive personality, it's insightful that you have recognized it.

Let's not even talk about all the video games we have to play on backlog. Right now I am totally addicted to fallout 3 and the internet makes it worse. Not only do I FLY home to play this game, when I am not on the console I am on fallout wiki and youtube watching other gamers. I just took some vacation days to allow my self to totally OD on the game, but I actually made sure I did other things besides veg out on the couch.

Meagan said...

From one Gemini to the next, you have just summarized my entire life! I come from a background of addicted personality's, in varies additions. Drugs, sex, infidelity, commitment issues, etc, etc! Like yourself I've found through writing you can share and express what you're feeling with others, perhaps they too are going through similar things? As an example my "do not pass go" says it all!

Thank you for sharing and confronting what most of us never want to say or admit.

Blessings,
Meagan

She Hate Me said...

Anon, I have a feeling I may know who you are... thank you for the support.

Meagan, you are quite welcome. It's always wonderful to meet and greet another Gemini.

TangoMega said...

Damn, homie... I been reading your blogs for awhile now because I felt like we had a lot in common, but I sincerely had no fucking clue just how close our paths run. I completely dig where you are coming from, and the way in which you expressed it was masterful, I gotta say.

There are addictions, and there are addictions... but it's all in what you do what it. Look at Hendrix (who I am sure you count amongst your heroes), Joplin... these are our Paragons (yeah, I know you got your DragonAge on, don't front)

I'm not going to go on too much, I actually want to go through the rest of your blogs to see what I missed. If this is your addiction, Feed The Beast... I'm a fan, Fam. Real Talk.

-ere'bodee's favorite mega

She Hate Me said...

Tango,

You have NO idea how much your comment means to me. I've been a fan of your work for a while now, and you're right: our paths run VERY similar.

To see you tell me that you're a fan makes me realize that people DO read my stuff, and that people are a fan of my work... so I need to craft more.

Thanks, bro.

P.S. Good call on Hendrix and Joplin being my heroes... I was fascinated with the 27 Club... for a minute, thought I was gonna end up as one.

P.P.S. I haven't bought Dragon Age yet... because I JUST finished Mass Effect 2. But don't worry, I'll get it soon enough.

Reggie said...

Excellent post.

I went into this thinking that you were saying one thing and realizing where you were actually going with it. It's one thing for us to know other people, so many people don't actually know themselves.

chris.alexander said...

wow. That's pretty heavy, dude. Then again, honesty is beautiful. I've had my internet addiction. I've dealt with a sex addiction, and realizing and WANTING to cope with said issues, is a great start.

way to go. I hope you find the clarity you seek.

alex

Daij said...

cosign @ reggie

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