Rock the Casbah (Or, The Return pt. 4)

Standing in front of her house, he pauses.

A lot of things ran though his head in the past 2 weeks. It took him that long to muster up the courage to even say something related to her, not to mention to come see her. As the wind blows, he pulls his coat closed tighter. He can't figure out why it's taking him too long to go up to the Victorian-styled home. Her black Chevy is parked out front; he knows she's home, so that's not it.



He's scared.

Is it rejection? Maybe. What about some resentment still lingering inside of him? Possibly. Or is he just remorseful for what he's done? Oh yeah.

Taking a deep breath, he goes up front to ring the bell. As soon as he places his finger on the bell, the door pops open. And there she was. Standing 5 feet even, she was even more beautiful than he remembered. Not seeing her for six months would do it to any number of people, but her beauty rivaled even Aphrodite. Beautiful shoulder-length dark brown chestnut hair, small freckles around her nose and peppered on her cheeks, kittenish dark brown eyes, and a beautiful smile.

Of course, that smile quickly disappeared.

She sneered. "What are you doing here?"

Stammering, he spoke. "I-I need to talk to you."

"For what? I don't have anything to say to someone who lies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go-"

He cuts her off. "Will you just hear me out? Please? I'm begging you."

She looks at her watch. "You've got 3 minutes. Go."

He sighs. He can't even look her in the face, much less her eyes. Staring at the ground, he didn't know really where to begin. 2 weeks of practicing what he was going to say, and now, in the moment of truth, it gets thrown out the window. So he starts from the only logical place he could. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for lying to you. I didn't know that my... I didn't mean...
I just wanted to be everything you were looking for in a man, you know? And I wanted to be what you wanted, so I tried my hardest to be that. And along the way, I made some mistakes, did things I shouldn't have to, and then tried to cover them up. But I've always been there for you, no matter what it was. I even tried to help you get with someone else knowing that it was breaking my heart-"

She twists her face into disgust. "Breaking your heart? Is that what this is all about, how I broke YOUR heart? What about my heart? What about what I was feeling about you? You LEFT me. Gone, vanished without a trace for 6 months, and now, all of a sudden you show back up on my doorstep like I'm supposed to say 'You're forgiven'? Hell no. I won't subject myself to that kind of pain anymore. I gotta go."

His eyes widen, he gets nervous. "Wait! Wait. Yes, I left. I left, not only you, but everybody! My family, my friends, EVERYBODY. I cared about you enough to leave, remember? I secluded myself from everybody, it wasn't just you."

"Seclusion? Is that what this was?"

He shakes his head. "No, but you can call it that."

"I call it being irresponsible. Unappreciative. And most of all, selfish."

"How could you call ME selfish? I lied to try to please YOU. I made myself a new person for YOU. I did everything possible to spend the rest of my life with YOU. I loved you! I-"

"Loved?" She scoffs. "So, you don't love me anymore?"

He replies, "About as much as you love me. Tel me something, do you love me? Did you ever?"

She shakes her head and starts to walk towards her car. "Ant, I don't have-" She stops in mid-sentence and looks at him. She whispers, "Oh, no."

He craned his head towards her. He walks with his ear leading the way to her. "Wait. What did you say?"

"I didn't say-"

"No, have I been away that long that you don't even know my name? It certainly isn't Ant." He laughs quietly. "Is that what this was all about? I reminded you so much of him, you started thinking I was him! And then, when I made myself into a image that you wanted, I made myself into him, am I right? Then all of a sudden, I'm just like him, a liar, a cheat, argumentative, violent, hmm? Am I getting warm? Is THIS why you never wanted a relationship with me? Did you ever consider what you were doing to me, day in and day out? One day you love me, the next day Ant is making you consider staying married, Bobby wants back in, you call Joesph and tell him you miss him, and these guys treated you a LOT worse than I did. But you'll call me for all the advice in the world. When your best friend suggested that you forget them and get with me, what did you tell her? You didn't love me. But you ran to me every day. My family saw the toll it was taking on me, and when I finally snapped and burned down every bridge leading to my island, you stood back and said 'Oh well' instead of coming to rescue me! You could've-"

She stops me. "Rescue you? It wasn't my JOB to rescue you! I thought that I had a better chance at a relationship with those guys than you, can you understand that?"

"So why didn't you come tell me that, instead of going to dinner with me, sitting in my lap, going with me to the riverbank and making out all night, having me parade you in front of my mother like you were somebody special, when all you wanted was free advice?!? I could've given you that without you playing with my heart!"

"I couldn't come tell you that..." Tears was flowing down her face. "... because I didn't... I mean, I did... but I..."

A voice spoke to her, seeming out of nowhere. "Tell him. Tell him you love him, or you'll lose him. We'll all lose him." She recognized the voice as the caller from 2 weeks ago. She looked around wildly, twisting her head this way and that, trying to find out where it came from. He looked at her as if she was watching a fly buzz around her head, or that she finally lost it. She spoke out loud, "Where are you? Show yourself! You can't make me tell him that I love him! You can't make me forgive him. I have a choice to be happy, to not get stares from people because of who he is! I have a choice to not tell anybody about him! Why should I? He's mine! What if I don't want to share him with anyone else, did you ever think of that?!?"

"Oh yes, I did. And believe me, I want to do the same thing."

His mouth fell open. The first thing that hit him, even before the voice was heard and recognized by his brain was the smell of jasmine. He turned around and saw the same woman from the library. She was wearing all white, her Décolletage dress showing off some skin. She was the prettiest caramel color he had ever witnessed, and her eyes was as green as an emerald. Her long, dark auburn hair fell over her shoulders, she had a beautiful face, and those eyes... it was like she was staring right into him.

They spoke at the same time.

"You. You were the person that called me the other night!" "You're the woman from the library!"

Serendipity turned and answered her first. "Yes, yes I was the woman on the phone. And you've just made a mistake. What did I tell you? I told you to be honest with him, tell him you love him, tell him you forgive him, because in reality it was stupid anyway, the reason for you being mad. And you couldn't do it." Serendipity glared at her, she glowered right back.

He interrupted the stare down between the two ladies. "Ma'am, who are you? More importantly, where did you come from?"

Serendipity looked at him, and for the first time in his life, he saw the personification of Love staring at him. She smiled sweetly and said, "My name is Serendipity. And to answer your second question, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me."


A male voice shouted out, "Why don't you try him, you've come this far, haven't you?"

Serendipity's smile faded quickly. She looked behind the other woman and saw Alan. "Alan, what are you doing here?"

Alan smiled faintly but morbidly. "Watching an angel return to Earth to become human. That is what you're about to do, aren't you?"

Paging Ms. White (Or, The Return pt. 3)

"You know, you could get yourself in SO much trouble."


I jumped like I was Mario on a springboard. Alan was standing in my kitchen, standing about 5'11", wearing a white suit with a black tie. With dark brown hair, hazel eyes and broad shoulders, he looked every bit like a model stepping out of a GQ magazine. Perfectly sculpted, his body looked to be made of the same marble that Michaelangelo used to make David.


Surprised, I ask, "Alan? What are you doing here?"

Alan smiles. "You know, Serendipity, I know all about what you're doing."

I stutter. "Y-you do?" I scoff jokingly. "And what am I doing?"

Alan shakes his head. Walking past me to my fridge, he opens the door and takes out a bottle of 1800. He walks over to my cabinet and gets 4 glasses. Popping open the bottle, he pours out 2 shots of the tequila, and slides me one and a empty glass. He takes a mouthful of tequila, and then he spits it out in the empty glass. Staring at the bottle of tequila, he sighs. Finally, he speaks. "Living up to your name sake, that's what."

"How so?"

"You were looking for one thing, and found something else entirely, something that pleases you wholeheartedly, and you're glowing. But you better be careful, because you know what happens-"

I cut him off. "I know. But, to be honest, I can't help it. I'm supposed to, anyway."

He raises an eyebrow. "Are you really?"

I smile slightly. "I think so."

He pauses. Looking at his glass, he takes another mouthful, swishes it around, and spits it into the other glass. "What makes you think you're different from everybody else? You think that because you love him, because you care so much for him, that you can step outside of your boundaries, and do what you want? And calling his ex? That's a big no-no. You know that."

She frowns. "So, you were told to come see me and reprimand me?"

"Not reprimand, Dip, but just talk to you. You're taking your job a bit too seriously."

I laughed ruefully. "Too seriously? I think most time, people don't take their jobs seriously enough! So, I'm putting in extra work, big deal. How many times have YOU put in extra work?"

"That's different, Dip, and you kno-"

I interrupt him. "Different how? You did it. And look where it got you."

He places the glass back on the table. "Yes, look where it got me. Do you think that for one second I regret what I did? No, I don't. But it doesn't mean that I don't think about what would have happened if I didn't do any extra work, but just the work assigned. Sometimes, it's ok to be normal."

I almost choke on my tequila. I spit it out into the empty glass. "When have you ever know me to be normal, Alan?"

He laughs. "I've known you for YEARS, and you've been everything but normal, that's true. But try being normal for once, you might like it."

"Alan, I can't stop. I've already gone too far. He knows what I said to him is the truth, and he's a bright man, he'll figure it out soon. Besides, she's on her way to see him," Alan stands up to interrupt me, but I continue, "and I'm not going to interfere in what's about to happen."

He smiles slightly. "Good. Let it happen. Let's see if he is as strong as you think he is."

I shake my head. "Alan, that's the point, I don't think he's that strong right now. If she says something wrong to him, we're gonna lose him, all of us. I don't want to-"

"STOP THINKING IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, DIP," he screams. Straightening his tie, he clears his throat. "I'm sorry for yelling. But it's not about you. It's about his mother, his family, his friends. You just met him, what makes you think he's gonna be as worried about you as you are about him?"

I shake my head. "I don't know, but then again, I DO know. Confusing, I know, but it's how I feel. He's mine, Alan. All the way. And if she hurts him..."

Taking the last of his tequila into his mouth and spitting it out, he sighs. "Just who do you think you are, Dip? Brad Pitt? You're a Grigori. A watcher. That's what you're supposed to do, watch, not interfere, not fall in love with the human you're assigned, but to watch over them, make sure that they don't get an early exit from here. Get it? Besides, even if he were to fall in love with you as well, don't forget, you're ill equipped to handle a human relationship. I don't know where you get this idea of 'Love', but you weren't built with that emotion."

I stare at him. "And you were?"

"I... I can't answer that."

I smirk. "Exactly. I don't know, but I feel like I was built differently from everybody else, just like you were. I'm nowhere near a Seraph, like you," Alan frowns, "but I AM different. He made me that way. And I'm not going to stop now. I love him, Alan."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Serendipity, are you prepared for the fallout that's going to happen?"

I think for a moment. "If it means that he knows how I feel, then, yes, yes I am."

Alan walks to my front door and opens it. Without turning around, he says "At least if this shot at love doesn't work, you'll be able to get a shot of tequila."


As the door closes, I spit out the drink. "Tequila. Yeah, right."

I used to love him... (Or, The Return pt. 2)

She looks at the receiver in her hand in disgust. She hangs up the phone.

Sighing, she turns and walks to her bathroom. Looking in the mirror, she wonders what happened. What made him leave her all alone for all this time, and then think that he could just drop back in her life like he's so... so... special. Just who do he think he is?

She feels the hot tears fall down her face. She missed him, and she was so worried about him. He didn't have to lie, she would've loved him anyway. Of course, she thought, I would've never told him. Maybe that was the problem. He knew she knew about him, but at the same time, she knew that he knew about her. She knew he covered up about a couple of mistakes he made in his life, but was that as bad as her covering up the fact that she was madly and deeply in love with him?

That was my mistake, she thought. Wiping away the tears, she shook her head. She could've told him, actually she could've saved him, had she just been honest with herself. Sure, everything isn't her fault, he takes most of the blame, but she asked herself if you see someone drowning and you've got the lifeline, do you throw it to them or watch them fade away?

Walking back into the bedroom, she gets dressed. If he was returning, there was only one of two places he could be. She figured she'd better find him first, before he finds her. He's gonna be sad, she can feel it. She left him hanging, on purpose.

Her life was going fine. She had just started back dating again, and she met this guy. He was what she thought she needed in her life, and she dropped everything to get this guy. Then, as soon as the sex went down, so did he. Left, without a trace. Changed number, changed apartment, changed everything. She shook her head. He told her that she makes herself too available too soon, and guys prey on that.

She knew he was right.

And she hated that about him. She hated everything about him, how he looked, how he dressed, how he went though life as if everything was going to be ok one day, no matter what the odds were that he was facing, how he was so chipper all the time, how he always gave the best advice, how he never fussed when she didn't follow the advice and came back for more. She hated that he just had to be right, even when he told her...

She shook that thought off. She doesn't love him. And he doesn't love her. If he did, he would've never lied to her, he would've never had her so worried. He would've never left so abruptly, he would've called, he would've said SOMETHING, anything, just.... She'll never forgive him, never. Once bitten, twice shy. She's not going back to him, even though she needs him, she loves him, she loves his smile, his smarts, his nicknames, his kiss... She told him that he was the most passionate man she's ever kissed. She could feel the love come from him in every kiss, every time he looked at her. He didn't keep secrets, not damaging secrets to her; no, he told her everything, always. He trusted her, more than he trusted some of his family. She sighed. She broke his heart, and in turn, Karma came along and broke her heart for him.

She broke down in heaving sobs.

She loves him and hates him at the same time. She don't know how that's possible, but she doesn't want to face him until she can figure that out.


The phone rings again. She looks at it, scared to pick it up. She calms down and wipes her face. She walks over to the handset and picks it up.

"Hello?"

"You don't hate him, you know. Stop acting as if what he did was any worse than what Bobby did. Or Joesph for that matter. And what about Ant? Oh, he was one of the worse. He loved you, you know that, right?"

She almost dropped the phone. Who was this woman, and how did she know so much about her? "Wh- Who are you? How did you get this number? How do you know me?"

"I know more than you think I know. I know you love him. You love him dearly. Stop acting all mad, stop pretending that you can stay mad at him and hate him forever. If you don't, you'll lose him forever."

She quizzed, "Lose him?"

"Yes, girl," the voice answered. "You'll lose him, to someone who'll treat him better, who'll tell him from jump that he don't have to lie to kick it. Who'll tell him the minute she knows that she loves him and won't drag him through heaven and hell every single day. What was the meaning of telling him you love him, and then taking your love away from him? Things like that, it sticks with him for a long time. 2 others have already done it to him, and now, you, the person who told him that you trust him with your life, did it to him, too. Hmmph, if I was him, I wouldn't talk about you ever again. But I'm not him. He's a special guy, and you know it."

She screamed, "Who are you? Who are you to tell me how I feel about him? I hate him, yes, I do! I hate him for lying and then leaving, especially when I needed him the most! I hate the fact that... that..."

"That what?"

She cried out. She sobbed. "That I love him so much!"

The voice was eerily cold and flat, but she could hear the emotion in every syllable she spoke.

"Then tell him. Before we all lose him."

And the line went dead.

The Return... (No 'or' this time... or is it?)

The first thing that hits him is the crisp, cold November-in-VA air. His lungs scream in excitement, haven't had air like this in a long time. He greets a group of people standing outside, happy for human contact that's pleasant. He starts walking down the road, listening to the leaves crunch underfoot, smelling the last of the fresh cut grass, feeling the sun on his skin. He smiles, waving at the cars passing him by.

His thoughts go to some of the last conversations he had with the people he cared about the most. He wondered if those words would be the last words he would ever say to them. How surprised would they be if he showed up right now? Maybe surprised isn't the right word. Angry. Mad. Upset. Disappointed. Furious. He did something stupid, although, it's been a stupid ride so far. Stupid in the sense that he actually thought he could make plans and have them work. He shakes it off as he reaches the end of the road. There's 2 directions he could go in, either left or right. He smells the air, catches a scent of jasmine in the air coming from the left, so he turns left and starts walking. About a quarter mile down, he sees a library, and starts to keep walking past it, until he realizes that the faint smell of jasmine leads down to the library. He shrugs his shoulders and heads to the library.

Inside, there is a sprawling selection of books, both fiction and non-fiction. He remembers reading a book a while ago called Choke, so he goes to look it up. The smell of jasmine is unbelievably strong now in the Fiction section. He doesn't see anyone down the isle where the book is located, so he goes and picks out the book. Flipping though the book, laughing at some of his favorite lines, he is oblivious to the female standing behind him. Finally she taps him on the shoulder.

"Hmm? I'm sorry, ma'am, am I in your way?"

She has a straight face. "No." There is a long pause. Even longer silence. Finally-

"Um, is there something I can do for you, ma'am?"

"No." She stares in his eyes, looking for something, something that he has no intent of sharing, for he just got it back.

"Okay. Wow. If you don't mind me saying so, it's really creepy to be in my personal space like this, on this cramped isle of a large library no less, and you don't want anything in particular but to stare and leer at me as if I stole your lunch money 15 years ago." No response. "That was a joke, by the way."

No smile. No facial tick. Slow blinking. Finally, she speaks. "You're not who you used to be. What you tried to get people to imagine you to be, huh? Actually, you thought no one really knew the real you, didn't you? You were scared to admit your shortcomings, so you hid them, camouflaged them, distorted them, until even you were fooled by your actions."

His mouth falls open. Stunned, he stammers "W- Well, to be honest, tha- that's none of your business. And where do you get off-"

"What bothers you the most is not the fact that you tried to cover up your mistakes, not the fact that you carried the world on your back, not the fact that you were torn between angel and demon but the fact that everyone knew who you really were but you. And they didn't care. They still loved you, and they still love you, you know that? You can't expect to be alone for the rest of your life, it's time to let go and keep it moving. You have an attractive personality, people will always be drawn to you, no matter what you do to try and push them away. Keep being yourself, just stop covering up your mistakes and take them on head on, ok?"

He looks at her, almost as if she fell from heaven above to spit his life story. The sweet smell of jasmine is coming from her. He starts to speak, but she places her finger on his lips.

"Go back. Don't run. Ever again. Stand up, stand tall. They'll forgive you, I promise. Everyone you love, and everyone that loves you will forgive you. After while, it'll just be jokes about what happened. You really are sweet, you know that? I love you, too. Didn't think that was possible, huh?" He shakes his head, her finger still on his lips. "I didn't neither, and I just met you 2 minutes ago. But I think I always knew I would meet you. I dream about you, all the time. And now, I meet you and tell you that I love you. I must be crazy, huh?" He nods his head quickly. She finally breaks a smile, then she laughs quietly. "You weren't supposed to answer like that. You see what I mean? Even when I'm being serious you have a way of making me laugh. Not many people have the gift that you have."

He gently moves her finger from his lips. "And what gift is that?"

She smiles again. "Compassion. From the heart. Even though the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, you'll gladly go there if it meant making someone extremely happy. That's what we love about you. We don't care about the half-truths and the lies, because, in the grand scheme of things, they are insignificant. We care about YOU. Me, most of all."

He shakes his head. "And there's the million dollar question. Who-"

She puts her finger to his lips again. "Never you mind. Just know that one day, you'll look back and realize that I've always been there, and will continue to be there for you, as long as there is a breath in my body." She smiles sweetly, kisses him on the lips, no tongue. She stops. And just like that, she turns around and walks away.

Halfway down the isle, she turns around and says "You're receiving the ball now. Return it for a touchdown. Don't be scared. Go all the way, for me, ok?" She walks away, turns left at the end of the row. He runs down the isle and look-

She's gone.

He doesn't see her, so he runs up and down the library, looking in all the isles, seeing if she darted down a row of books somewhere, but alas, there's no sign of her. He shakes his head and goes to return the book to the isle. He asks himself who was that woman and how did she know so much about him. When he gets to the spot to return the book, there's a piece of paper there. Sliding the book back into it's spot, he opens the paper. It reads-

"To answer your million dollar question... Love, actually."

Immediately, he smiles, folds the paper, places it into his wallet and goes to the pay phones. He dials a number, a voice picks up.

"Hello?" says the voice.

"I'm returning." He hangs up the phone.

It begins.

320 kbps (Or, when I grow up...)

I used to have a crush on Joan Cusack. First movie I ever saw her in was Sixteen Candles. Mind you, while everyone else in the '80's was fawning after Molly Ringwald, Demi Moore, Jennifer Jason Leigh or Pheobe Cates, I had a crush on Geek Girl #1 (that was her credit for Sixteen Candles).

Five minutes is a long time to get a crush on someone, trust me.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with this, or maybe it does, hell, I won't know until I've entered the last period.

I saw High Fidelity today. I hadn't seen it since I entered college, but it came on this afternoon, and I revisited it. It seems as if I have a understanding with Rob, even if I got the idea for the question a year later in life than he did.

Rob was 26 when he caught that light bulb, and started to ask himself what was it that he was really afraid of.

Today, I asked myself the same question.

I'm afraid of being alone. I mean, almost phobia-like afraid of being alone. Autophobia is the appropriate term for that.

I think I'm afraid of growing up. I mean, I don't do exactly what is expected of me. I'm 27. I'm old, in my mind, and that scares me. I want to be loose, and free, and running wild, but there's this thing, see, and every time I think I can be as free as I want to be, this thing comes and kicks me in the ass.

I think normal people call it adulthood.

I want to be able to handle the concepts of "The Rat Race", and have a stable standing in society, but... I can't. Why can't I be socially correct in that I don't have to be someone else to be accepted, just be me?

I feel like I've had all of these expectations of me, all my life, and then, all of a sudden, my life is here, and it's starting, and I'm alone, and I'm ill-equipped to do this all by myself, so I surround myself with people who'll become more than just my friends and family, but my ENABLERS who'll enable me to keep putting on this front that everything is cool with me and that I can solve every problem that comes my way... but I can't.

I blame Toys 'R" Us. I'm serious. That damn giraffe had me singing that song "I'll never grow up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid..."

No, I can't blame them. I'm grown now. Can't shift the blame to someone else.

I'm just rambling. That's all. I'll be fine, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

LOL

Don't ask me why I just laughed at myself just then. Maybe because I sound as cynical as Rob did at the beginning of High Fidelity.

Hopefully, that's a sign that things are looking up for me.

And, no, me telling you about my crush on Joan had nothing to do with this post. Nothing at all. So, in the vein of the movie...

Top Five Movie Star Crushes of All Time.

1. Nia Long. (Come on, how obvious was that?)
2. Kerry Washington
3. Famke Janssen (it wasn't X-Men that did it, but Rounders)
4. Tichina Arnold (Little Shop of Horrors, wasn't it? And it was always Pam over Gina...lol)
5. Heather Graham (No, not JUST because of Rollergirl, but because of License to Drive. You know, that 80's flick with The Coreys in it? Remember? Ah, never mind.)

I'm outta here. LOL

(P.S. 320 KiloBytes Per Second is what's considered High Fidelity for us FLAC users, if you will...)

Flashing Lights Re-Edit (Or, it was a side project I was working on...)

I hope you like it... I do. LOL

In all seriousness, this project started right after the second video appeared. I thought that Charlotte Carter-Allen (the model), was a very beautiful woman, and once I saw the video to completion, I thought that maybe the two videos should be merged into one.

Then the third one appeared. And it threw a monkey wrench into what I was doing.

So, after many edits, starts and restarts, throwaways and give-ups, I finally got a video I was happy with. While I can admit I didn't use the Dinner Mystery video much, it was only because I saw the overall theme of the three videos as KanYe having a case of "the girl who got away" blues.

I did this, not for the replies, not for the fame, but honestly, for my own personal viewing. A friend of mine saw it, and she suggested that I post it online, which I have done here.

Couple of notes:

I know the music starts before the warning disappears, I wanted to go back and sync the music to the car, but the next couple of frames prevented that. Actually, it came out better, as you can see.

The line "wood floors in the new apartment" doesn't sync with KanYe's mouth, that was my editing software, couldn't be helped or altered.

There was a couple of other edits that I wasn't too thrilled with, but I think that's me being overly judgmental of my editing skill.

Let me know what you think. Thanks!

Remember when...(Or, I'm taking a trip down memory lane...)

It was 1998.

I was 17. I remember being excited about my final year of high school. Getting ready to go to college. Goofing off in all my classes, because, at that point, the only 2 classes I needed to graduate, I took over the summer. September 8th was the day Mark McGwire (remember him?) hit his 62nd home run. The first day of my last year of school. I remember walking to the bus stop, talking to my close friend at his house...

...and meeting one of the most beautiful women I had ever set eyes on (yes, even more so than Nia Long, which, at the time for me, was impossible).

The Capricorn was 2 years my junior. About 5'5" at the time, medium length hair, beautiful smile. Caramel colored. When she spoke, it was... breathtaking. (Mind you, I was 17. This is what I was thinking when I was 17. My hormones were out of control, so the next light skinned girl that walked past me could've gotten damn near the same description...but I'm not taking anything away from The Capricorn... again, I was 17...) We said hello. And from that moment on, she was by my side. We ended up as friends, then best friends. On December 16th, we shared our first kiss, it was bound to happen, we spent every moment we could together. What got scary was, although there were more girls at my high school then who could've caught my eye (and even some who attempted to), I was focused on her. We stayed friends, didn't kiss anymore, just became closer. Well, in April of 1999, we tried to have a relationship. I asked her to prom, our parents got used to seeing us together, we were just a typical couple. But then, all of a sudden, it stopped. A week after we finally put a title to what we were doing (and no, we were not having sex) we decided that we didn't need that title, or the pressure that went along with it.

At first, I was upset. I mean, the one person who I spent all my time with, I couldn't spend another minute with her without wanting to hug her or kiss her. It was painful. Long story short (too late, I know) she moved on, and so did I.


Although we remain friends now, even to this day, we don't really seem to be as close as we were during those days. We talked earlier this week, and she told me about her ex, someone she was very close with, and how much she loved him and how much she loves him still. She misses him. And I didn't know how to process that information. Even though what we had was over 8 years ago, I still felt something there, you know? Kinda like throwing a balled up piece of paper at someone. I felt a twinge, like all of this rushed right back at me.

The Virgo asked me a while back if The Capricorn called me and told me that she wanted to get back together would I do it. I didn't answer her right away. I thought about it. All of those good feelings came back... and then I thought about how I feel about her now. I love her, I always will, she knows this. But our time, however brief, has already passed. I couldn't risk our friendship for a relationship, no matter how sweet the payoff may be. That's a hell of a gamble to take, you know?

Just reminiscing, that's all.

Things fall apart. Sometimes, it's best to leave those things that way.

...finish last. (Or, She's Just Not That Into You...)

We've all heard the phrase.


Whether you're saying the phrase or hearing it, you know the phrase.


"Nice guys finish last."

For a while, I believed it. All through high school, some parts of college, even in my breakup with my then-fiancée, I knew that because I was considered "the nice guy", I was subject to getting walked all over, shunned, placed in the Friend Zone, and completely ignored.


Now, as I've grown older, I realize that it is all BULLSHIT.


Here, let me spell it out for you so you can understand it. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.


I am what's considered a caregiver. As far as evolution goes, I'm a provider. I provide what women need; friendship, companionship, loyalty, respect, kindness, understanding, etc. I am that guy that females wouldn't mind spending the rest of their lives with. I am the model man that women always say they want. "I wish I could find a guy just like you." But not me. Why?

I'm unattractive.

That may sound harsh, but on a genetic level, I am. I'm considered ugly, according to most women's DNA. Physically, I'm not what women want. Physically, I'm the farthest you could get from being even somewhat cute.

Look at it this way.

Since the beginning, men have been considered as being genetically predisposed to "be fruitful and multiply". Now, before you go into something completely different, let's look at women. Women, in a manner of speaking, have been considered to look for men whose genes will produce male offspring with the best chance of reproductive success. I know I'm digging into human sexuality behaviors here, but that's the point, isn't it? For humans to continue to have successful offspring?

I think so.


So, why wouldn't a woman want her future son to be genetically beautiful, while at the same time, be provided for by a caregiver? (I'm saving that whole argument for another post...)

There are men out there who has both the beauty and the brains. Those men are few and far between, not because they don't exist (they do) but because they are either hidden or already taken. Then, there's the men with the beauty, and following the command of their genetics to a T, are out there spreading the love to any woman who wants it, like a modern day Johnny Appleseed; or they are also taken.

Then there's the brains. Me. People like me. The caregivers. The ones who provide the stable home, the security, the friendship role. We are the ones the females finally go for after the beauty has faded. No longer hindered by their biological clock, they now search for the security of being stable with someone who actually knows how to fulfill every aspect needed from a life mate. Well, except for the offspring. But they are no longer in need of that.


Society often speaks of the men who are with women half their age. Rarely are there talks about the women who search for men half their age physically, but mentally, they are the providers. However, they do exist. There are more women who are looking for marriage material after they have had children than there are women who's searching for such beforehand.

Often, I've felt I've been born into the wrong age. Now, I realize, I have been born about 15 years too late.

Tonight, I finally finished a homework assignment given to me by The Virgo. She wanted me to ask around and see exactly what qualities I possessed that put me into the "Friend Zone" almost every single time. I asked 8 different women*; women who, in the past, I've either asked out or wanted to. These 8 women do not know each other, and with the exception of 2, have never met. They do not talk to each other on a daily basis. I asked the question, and with ALL 8, I got the SAME response, the only varying point being sentence structure.

When giving a description of what they thought of me when they first met me, all 8 said that I was, get this, a nice guy. Well, that was no surprise. But the surprise came when I asked about the ex-boyfriends/husbands/asshats they dated. Just take a wild guess what they said they were thinking when the women first met those men.

"I thought he was an attractive man..."


See the difference between me and them now? I'm just nice, those guys are attractive. When I asked what attracted the females to those males, you know the answer I got?

"I don't know, it was just something about him..."


Genetically, I don't have the DNA to compare to the attractive men. I'm only the caregiver.


The provider.


She's just not that into me. And it's not her fault, it's my genetics. I'm sought out solely for my abilities for being a life partner, not for my attractiveness. In the last post, I said I was the dick in the glass case. Expanding on that, I'm the ace in the hole. I'm the one women will flock to as soon as the attractiveness phase passes. Psychology wise, if I were to change who I was just to get out of the Friend Zone, the 8 women would view it as desperation, and one of two things will happen; either I'll lose them completely because I've "changed for the worst", or I'll just place myself deeper into the Friend Zone.


After all of this, I could say I'm talking out the side of my neck. Tomorrow, I could meet someone who would excite me mentally as well as physically and emotionally, and she'll become someone who I could have a long lasting relationship with while also being my best friend. And on a genetic level, she could want to be with me for both the beauty AND the brains.


But I doubt it.



Evolution is playing against me. I don't think I could win against thousands and thousands of years of selection.


I'll always be hopeful. But right now, I'm just jaded. Nobody remembers second place. Second place is just first loser. And I'm the nice guy.



Just guess where I'll finish.



* One of those 8 women, actually, the last woman I asked, was The Virgo. Needless to say, she was shocked to find out she felt the same way every other woman did.

The Friend Zone (Or, who am I to you, platonic, or catatonic?)

"Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Cause you never know. They get rid of girlfriends every six months. 'What happened to Pam?' 'She think she cute.' But they keep them platonic friends forever. Why? Cause you never know. 'What happened to Carol?' 'I can't hang with her.' But they keep them platonic friends forever. WHY? Cause you never know. You know what a platonic friend is to a woman?

It's like a dick in a glass case.

In case of emergency, break open glass." - Chris Rock, Bring The Pain

So, last night, I went out for some ice cream. Yeah, some ice cream. I went with Miss Valentine. Cold Stone is like maybe 7 minutes from where I live. We arrived there at around 9:15PM. We stayed until closing. Laughing. Talking. Joking. Enjoying each other's company. So much, in fact, we came back and talked in the parking lot for 4 more hours after that.

Somewhere during the conversation, she asked me would I still introduce her to my close friends, even if we were to just become good friends, not really going any further than that. I knew what that meant, I've heard this line of questioning before.

Somewhere, I have made the wrong turn. I was supposed to make that left at Albuquerque. Instead, I have ended up in the Friend Zone. And you know, once you're there, it's damn near impossible to get out.

The differences between the "one-ladder" ranking system of men and the "two-ladder" ranking system of women, in Ladder Theory, often lead to mutual misunderstanding, the most egregious example of which is held by LT to be the so-called "nice guy" approach. In this model, a man attempts to increase his appeal to a woman by demonstrating the qualities she has indicated that she values in another person (stereotypically, these are positive "friendship" qualities such as patience, kindness, helpfulness and consolation). To the male, this is perceived as simply increasing his overall appeal on the single ladder; for the female, however, such behaviour increases the man's rank on the "Friendship" ladder while simultaneously decreasing it on the "Partner" ladder, due to the perceived disparity in criteria between the ladders. - Ladder Theory explained

Yeah, so, at first, that's what ran through my mind, because it's been happening all my life. I meet girl. I talk to girl. Girl sees me as friendship material, or worse, her "big brother". I resume my stay here at The Friend Zone Inn.

In high school, I received all types of advice. "Don't be so nice." "Dude, you're there for her too much. fall back." "She's using you for the 80% she can't get from her 20% guy. Just leave her alone." I tried it all. Most times, I ended up losing a good friend because I honestly didn't want her as a friend, well, not in the beginning.

And even recently, look what happened with The Virgo. Yeah, so, I already knew where it was headed, and I was looking for a way out.



Miss Valentine wasn't having any of that.


She calmly explained to me that it was just a question, she had no intentions of making me stay in the Friend Zone, she didn't even want me to drive by it. She just wanted to see where my head was, and where exactly did I want this thing of ours to go. So, I'm not in the Friend Zone with her. (Not yet.)


But I am a platonic friend.

And that scares me more than being in the Friend Zone.


Chris had a good point. Once the dude that she decides she's gonna be with messes up, who the first guy she's gonna run to? Me. It's happened before. Not saying that I flat out had sex with them, but I was there for a couple of lonely nights, some lonely weekends.

I don't want that to happen to her. I don't want to be her "second choice". You know what I'm talking about. I don't want to end up as the "Plan B" guy because "Plan A" was a jackass. She shouldn't have to settle to be with me, I should rise to her expectations to make her make me "Plan A", right? Right?


Isn't that what every guy is supposed to do?

Catatonic patients will sometimes hold rigid poses for hours and will ignore any external stimuli. - Possible effects of Catatonia

The question that I have now is, do I want to be that dude that waits forever for the impossible to happen? I mean, I'm not rushing her. I just.... I'm at the point now where I know what I want out of a potential mate. Do I ignore every woman who I have a conversation with? Every woman who is mentally attractive, I let walk away? Do I.....

*sigh*


I wonder where I am on the chart with her. I wonder if she'll tell me.


I wonder if I'm just a vegetable or a dick in a glass case.






Either way, I'm still here. I'm still in the Friend Zone.

And there's no way out.

Stealing Moments...(Or, making time for you...)

The message music plays.


I get happy, because it's you. We talk all day, through work and play, speak about whatever may...


Come on! I was just joking. You know that. We laugh, laugh some more. Talk about whatever will...

Be that as it may, it's still new to me, to you, to us. Stole a whole day away from it all, just me and...

You know how you get that funny feeling? Like, when a new friendship blooms? I had it all that day. Excitement, nervousness, especially when I touched...

Your hand was by your side. A couple of times, I wanted to reach out, thought it might have been too early, you know? Sometimes, you never know when the time is right, or maybe it never will be...

Right now, I'm talking to you. Waiting on your response to silly questions, serious questions, and the like. We started talking about relationships and I started to wonder about a relationship between me and...

You said that you have high standards. I applauded you for that. Deep in my mind, I wondered if I could pass that test, with flying...

Colors of that day, the greens and purples and yellows and blues stay in my mind. Man, that was the most fun I've had in a long...

Time seems to fly when I see you. Get the urge sometimes to spend every moment with you, only because you seem to "get" me. Same music, same tastes, and I've got to admit, you look good, but it's not all about the...

Physical things we did weren't much. Shook hands here, maybe a hug there. All I can think about is the last time we saw each other. We hugged three times and each time I wondered if it would be a crime to steal a...


Moment.