320 kbps (Or, when I grow up...)

I used to have a crush on Joan Cusack. First movie I ever saw her in was Sixteen Candles. Mind you, while everyone else in the '80's was fawning after Molly Ringwald, Demi Moore, Jennifer Jason Leigh or Pheobe Cates, I had a crush on Geek Girl #1 (that was her credit for Sixteen Candles).

Five minutes is a long time to get a crush on someone, trust me.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with this, or maybe it does, hell, I won't know until I've entered the last period.

I saw High Fidelity today. I hadn't seen it since I entered college, but it came on this afternoon, and I revisited it. It seems as if I have a understanding with Rob, even if I got the idea for the question a year later in life than he did.

Rob was 26 when he caught that light bulb, and started to ask himself what was it that he was really afraid of.

Today, I asked myself the same question.

I'm afraid of being alone. I mean, almost phobia-like afraid of being alone. Autophobia is the appropriate term for that.

I think I'm afraid of growing up. I mean, I don't do exactly what is expected of me. I'm 27. I'm old, in my mind, and that scares me. I want to be loose, and free, and running wild, but there's this thing, see, and every time I think I can be as free as I want to be, this thing comes and kicks me in the ass.

I think normal people call it adulthood.

I want to be able to handle the concepts of "The Rat Race", and have a stable standing in society, but... I can't. Why can't I be socially correct in that I don't have to be someone else to be accepted, just be me?

I feel like I've had all of these expectations of me, all my life, and then, all of a sudden, my life is here, and it's starting, and I'm alone, and I'm ill-equipped to do this all by myself, so I surround myself with people who'll become more than just my friends and family, but my ENABLERS who'll enable me to keep putting on this front that everything is cool with me and that I can solve every problem that comes my way... but I can't.

I blame Toys 'R" Us. I'm serious. That damn giraffe had me singing that song "I'll never grow up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid..."

No, I can't blame them. I'm grown now. Can't shift the blame to someone else.

I'm just rambling. That's all. I'll be fine, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

LOL

Don't ask me why I just laughed at myself just then. Maybe because I sound as cynical as Rob did at the beginning of High Fidelity.

Hopefully, that's a sign that things are looking up for me.

And, no, me telling you about my crush on Joan had nothing to do with this post. Nothing at all. So, in the vein of the movie...

Top Five Movie Star Crushes of All Time.

1. Nia Long. (Come on, how obvious was that?)
2. Kerry Washington
3. Famke Janssen (it wasn't X-Men that did it, but Rounders)
4. Tichina Arnold (Little Shop of Horrors, wasn't it? And it was always Pam over Gina...lol)
5. Heather Graham (No, not JUST because of Rollergirl, but because of License to Drive. You know, that 80's flick with The Coreys in it? Remember? Ah, never mind.)

I'm outta here. LOL

(P.S. 320 KiloBytes Per Second is what's considered High Fidelity for us FLAC users, if you will...)