Dreams and reality... (Or, it's just a short story...)

I awake to soft knocking at my front door.

Sighing, I sit up and stretch out a yawn. If they can come knock at my door at 2:30 in the morning, then I have every right to take my time and they can wait. Besides, who the hell would be stopping past my place at 2:30 AM? It could only be one person.

As I stand, I look around for a shirt to put on. Finding a tattered Donkey Kong t-shirt, I walk slowly to the door while pulling it over my head.

"Who is it?"

"You know who it is already. It's cold out here, open the door."

I shake my head. Of course I knew who it was, she's the only person who could stop by so late without getting laid out. Seems like I should revoke her privilege as well. I open the door, and, almost as if on cue in a movie, I also opened my mouth, but nothing came out except air.

Standing 5'5", she was as smart as she was stunning. Irish creme colored skin. Full lips. Slight gap in her two front teeth. Her eyes, which were two deep, green pools, stared at me, and as I swallowed, my eyes followed a trail from head to toe. Wearing a knee length black dress with open toed sling strapped heels, she looked phenomenal. Endowed, but not overly so, enough to wear the dress without support. A bit of a tummy, but nothing outrageous. Dancer's legs. Strong calf muscles. As she breezed past me, the smell of Chardonnay, Big Red chewing gum, and Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue perfume wafted into my nose. I missed that smell. I shook my head to shake the remaining sleep cobwebs out of my head and to shove those memories back on the shelf of my brain.

"Well, come on in," I say sarcastically while closing the door.

"Listen, I had a date with a real jerk tonight, and I needed to vent. I knew you wouldn't mind," she huffed.

I sigh. "What happened?"

"What is it with men and this whole 'I want to have sex with you on the first date' thing? He didn't even bother to get to know me or anything, it was just like he was going through the motions of a date. Sure, ok, you bought me dinner, but does that mean you automatically get some ass from me? Hell, you don't even know what I do for a living, all you could comment on was how sexy I looked in this stupid dress, which, by the way, I shouldn't have worn in the first place, because the temperature dropped fast-"

I hold my hand up to stop her. "You're rambling. Get to the point, so I can get some sleep."

She smirked. "Well, aren't you cranky?"

"You would be too, if you were jarred awake by someone at 2:30 in the morning. Especially if that someone was an ex talking about a date with another man."

"True. But it's you. And you aren't a normal ex, you're still my friend. Consider yourself lucky."

"If missing out on sleep is considered lucky, then I don't need luck," I replied.

She moved over to my couch, and took her heels off. Placing the gum she had back in its wrapper, she throws it in the waste bucket. She stretched, yawned, and scratched her hair, which fell slightly over her right eye. She looked weary, as if tonight's events simply took the vibrant life out of her. Bags were starting to form under her eyes, and she spoke as if she had a buzz going.

She asked, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because I see you getting a bit too comfortable, and I want to go back to bed."

"Do you remember our first date?"

I shook my head. "I'm not going through this with you, not tonight. Listen, if you need a place to crash, fine, take the bed, but I'm not listening to another word about us. Oh, I forgot, there is no more us, sorry."

She ignored my comment and continued reminiscing. "You took me to Carraba's. You were looking sharp. We talked about everything, and not once did you say anything out of the way to me. You can carry a conversation, and, you were interesting to boot. Even after we parted ways relationship wise, I always thought that our date was the best first date I ever had." She smiled halfway. "What happened to us?"

"You know what happened. You left because you... wait. I'm not getting into this." I started to walk towards the bedroom. "You know where the pillows and blanket are, use them."

"I left because I was stupid," she answered.

I stopped walking. My back was to her.

"I left because I thought I could one-up you, find someone who was just like you, but not so... so..." She trailed off. I turned to her, and stared.

"So, what?" I asked.

"You have a penchant for being sarcastic. You're so good at it, at times, I couldn't tell if you were for real, or just joking. If you were showing your true feelings, or just being nice to me. I needed to know and instead of saying that, I just left. After we separated, I knew how to tell the difference, I knew that you cared for me. I only wish I could've known that sooner, instead of walking out on you."

My nostrils flared, my jaw tightened. I proclaimed, "Yes, YOU walked out on ME. And now, I'm about to do the same. Good night."

As I turned to walk away, she came from behind me. She gently placed her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry," she said, "Please forgive me."

I sneered. "Forgive you? What we had... I would've given anything to keep you around. You acted as if I offended you, or hit you, or cheated on you. And now, after all this time, after I finally swallowed what feelings I did have for you, just to salvage a friendship YOU wanted, here you go, 6 months later, in my home, asking me what went wrong, as if our relationship just fell apart of it's own will. Sure, I'll forgive you, in due time. But tonight, sweetheart, isn't that time. And tomorrow isn't looking too good either. Good night."

Before I could go into the bedroom, she grabs my hand. I turn to say something else, but before I could, she kisses me. I grab her arms gently and pull her away. I lick my lips, and the taste of the wine mixed with the gum she had earlier danced on my tongue. I look at her, and I see the pool of tears start to form in her eyes. My heart races, I can't stand to see her cry. I wipe the two tears that start to fall away. She shudders at my touch. I move her hair from her right eye to catch a good look at her whole face. I missed her, more than she knew, simply because I didn't have the guts to tell her. She looks down at the floor. I pick her chin up, and before she could turn away, I kiss her. It was a soft kiss, one meant to let her know that I still care. She pulls her head back, almost unsure what the kiss meant. She then comes in for another kiss. I tried to not kiss her again, tried not to pick at this old wound that I have on my heart, but it was too late. We start kissing slowly. Her mouth opened partly, and her tongue was on mine in an instant.

I backed her slowly to the wall, kissing along the way. She moaned softly, rubbing her hands across my back and head. The kissing was getting more intense, and I placed my hands on the small of her back. She started kissing me harder. I took my left hand and pulled her right leg up on my hip. She responds by moving her left leg on my hip as well, making me support her medium frame by putting my hands on her backside. We continue to kiss, and as I do so, I start moving my hands up her dress. She stops kissing me, breathing heavily. She looks into my eyes.

"Tell me," she pleaded.

"Tell you what?"

"Tell me you still want me. Better yet, show me."

I shifted my weight, put her down on her feet. I take her hand into mine and lead her into the bedroom. I sit on the edge of the bed, she stands in between my legs. I kiss her belly, she rubs my head. I slowly move my hands up her thighs, up the dress. I touch that spot, and I could feel the warmth and growing moisture through her underwear. She pulls my shirt over my head and throws it somewhere.

I didn't care if she threw the shirt out the window.

I place my hands back up under the dress. I feel her butt through the lace, and as I pull the dress up, I see she has on boyshorts. I start to pull them down and she parts her legs ever so slowly, so I can let them fall to the floor. I touch her honeycomb again, and I can feel the heat flaring from her.

She lets out a soft moan while pushing me down on the bed. She reaches for my boxers and pull them off. She looks at my manhood and smiles.

"I assume the condoms are in the same place," she whispered lustfully. I nod my head. She moves to the nightstand, pulls out the prophylactic, opens the package, and comes back to me. With the expertise of a sex education teacher, she places it on me, double checks to make sure it is on correctly and tightly, and begins to straddle me.

The moan that escapes her lips as I enter her turns me on even more. She slowly moves her hips, almost in a hypnotic manner, as if she's doing a slow lambada. She looks down at me, and her face lightens up with warm glow. She saw me looking over her, looking at her eyes, and then at her lips. She pulls me up, and we kiss once more. I put my hands on her shoulders, guiding her to the speed I want. She puts my head in her chest, and I can feel her nipples brush against my cheeks. I pull on the string behind her neck, letting her dress fall to her waist. Her breasts were even more beautiful than I remembered. I lick on her left nipple, sucking softly, hearing her moans getting louder.

I feel the vibration of her left leg starting to become more erratic, her walls closing in tightly around me. She hums, she sighs, she moans. I pick her up, and stand up. I let her stand up as well. I motion to her to face the bed. She smiles devilishly. She knows what I like, and I know what she likes. She bends over, placing her head on the mattress. I lift the dress again, this time, I'm behind her. I go in, deeper than before, and she cursed, then cooed, then starts to taunt me.

"Is that....mmm.... the best....wow.....uh.....mmmm....the best.....ooh....damn.....hmmm....ahhh..." She didn't finish her sentence. She said my name, over and over, as if she was chanting some secret phrase. Her fist balled the sheets and she slammed her other hand on the bed. I smiled at first, then I realized that I was coming closer to Nirvana than I thought. I slowed down. She was already there, and was starting to make a return trip. She looked over her shoulder, and said four words.

"Give it to me."

She backed her ass up against me, gyrating and twisting and moving, pushing me, punishing me, making me return the favor. I slapped her butt, made it sting, heard her suck air through her teeth. I pull on the dress, twisting it into a makeshift rein, and started pulling her towards me. She cries out, part pain, mostly pleasure, scratches my arms, digs her nails into my skin. We're moving quickly now, as if we couldn't await the sweet moment where nothing is thought of, where your mind clears for one whole moment. She screams my name. I grunt and feel the swelling growing. The moment arrives.

I awake to soft knocking at my front door.

Sighing, I sit up and stretch out a yawn. I wondered if what just happened actually happened, or was I dreaming? I look around, no evidence that she was even here. As I stand, I look around for a shirt to put on. Finding a tattered Donkey Kong t-shirt, I walk slowly to the door while pulling it over my head.

"Who is it?"

"You know who it is already. It's cold out here, open the door."

I smile.

I wonder... (Or, I got some questions....)

"You say he gets on your fucking nerves
You hope that he gets what he deserves, word?/
Do you even remember what the issue is?
You just trying to find where the tissue is./
You can still be who you wish you is,
It ain't happen yet, and that's what intuition is./
When you hop back in the car,
Drive back to the crib, run back to their arms,/
The smoke screens, the chokes and the screams,
You ever wonder what it all really means?"
~KanYe West "I Wonder"

I did, 'Ye.


I did for me. I'm doing it now for someone else.


4 years ago, I was riding high. My son had just been born, we were in the middle of making plans of getting married, everything was falling into place, just like I planned it. In a flash, everything changed. I'm now single, and completely jaded about getting married.

What happened, you ask?


That's for another post, too much to get into right now. Actually, here's a couple of tidbits. On the eve of our impending marriage, I was left for another. Someone who had "more swagger". 5 years of Love, wiped away by an ex. The same person that she left to be with me.


Karma comes back hard, doesn't she?


The Virgo is going through some tough times. I don't want to put her business all out in the interwebs, but I thought that maybe I could release some of the anxiety that I'm feeling.

"But, O, does it involve you?"

Not directly, no. But indirectly, it hurts me to see her going through this. Especially since 2 years ago, I was going through the same thing...

I always wondered if she thought about me. If there was something I could've done (or not have done) to save our relationship. An extra word here. Another gesture there. Maybe just one more "I love you".

Then, after a while, I wondered why I wondered so much.


Vex has just posted something while I was working on this. It made me realize just how many people go through the whole "relationship identity crisis".

"No longer relating to someone after years of trying is a far cry from realizing you never really knew them in the first place." - Vex

While I do agree with said statement, I believe what's even worse than not knowing your partner is changing who you are as a person and no longer knowing who you really are. It's sad, I see people changing what makes them THEM, and when the relationship is over, they become lost, not really knowing how to act, how to feel, and in some extreme cases, how to function.

The Virgo is ambivalent towards her future ex-husband. While she does care for him, and in some ways, still love him, she thinks that the marriage is beyond repair. I feel for her. I sympathize with her, I do.

I was one of the ones who almost lost myself for my relationship. The things that I enjoyed doing, the places that I enjoyed visiting, the person that I am now, I changed, just to satisfy her. True, in a relationship, you're supposed to compromise, to work together to make that relationship work. But when you start putting in too much, when you move beyond compromise, i.e. changing who you are as a person, you're no longer working towards the same goal.

I was working to keep her. Why? Because I got comfortable. Because she felt safe.

That's the thing that scares me the most with The Virgo, that she'll revert back to settling for whatever gets thrown her way. Her husband is not good for her. She's not the same person she wanted to be, nor is she the same person she knows she is. She started to become an introvert, just to pacify his jealousy of her being the outgoing woman she was when they met. She no longer enjoys being outgoing, and now, even after they have separated, she doesn't know what to do with herself. The future scares her, where as, in the past, the future was something exciting, and something that she was ready to face head on. Now, she wonders if he could make some changes, if they could get back together again.


He won't change. She wants her safety net back. Why challenge the unknown, when you can be with what you already know and have gotten used to? You're already used to the fights, the arguments, him saying one thing, and him doing something else. The lies. The threats. No need to throw that all away to face the unknown, right?


People fear what they don't know. She fears a future without him. She wonders about him. I wonder about The Virgo.








I wonder what it all really means.

To be continued...

An Open Letter to a Friend (Or, I could be talking about YOU...)

Dear... well, just Dear,


Hello. How are you? I haven't seen you in a while. I know the last time we spoke, it was kinda *ahem* awkward. And that was the last thing I wanted between us. We ended our conversation on a bad note. I think I need to clear the air, or at least attempt to show you where I'm coming from, so, here goes.

I was so wrapped up in how I felt about us, I didn't take into consideration how YOU felt about us. You told me that I was a dear friend in your eyes. You didn't feel comfortable taking it there, and yet, here I was, pushing the issue. I didn't know that after that first kiss, you didn't feel that... je ne sais pas. Afterwards, I thought maybe I could feel... love, even, enough for both of us. I was totally wrong.


We spoke over dinner last, remember? And you told me that I was too intense early on. I called every one I knew that was close to me, from my brother, to my mom, to my cousin in NY. Only one person told me something different from what you told me about me and how I love, and she told me that what I have, how I love, was both a gift and a curse. A gift, because now you knew that someone out there does love and care for you, deeply. A curse, because either you weren't ready for someone like that, or because you didn't think my love was genuine.

I know better to think the latter, so of course, I know it's the former.

You're not ready. And the irony here is, I don't think you'll ever be. Now, that's not a jab at you, not at all. It's at me, because it's tearing me apart to know that I may have found that one person who has came into my life and turned things right side up, and she'll never love me that way, not even for all the (insert thing) in (insert place).

At first, I tried to think logically. And that made me mad at you. I have to be honest, yeah, I was pissed at you. Logically, how could you say that you'll never do or feel something or some way without trying first? We didn't even try. Never once did we speak on what we felt about each other, not until it was way too late. I was thinking, if you had told me this from the beginning, if you had let me know that I was going to dream about the unattainable, I wouldn't have even bothered in the first place. Harsh, I know. But sometimes, being honest to yourself hurts people around you that you care about the most.

That lasted for about 24 hours.

I then started thinking emotionally. How could you do this to me? ME, of all people? I was there for you when (garbled thoughts), remember? And then when you was (something about S-Curls and High Yellow) and I sat there, and I sucked it up, took it on the chin like a champ (or chump, can't recall at the moment) and you, with your caring smile and happy thoughts, just kept persisting, kept calling, kept caring. And somewhere along the lines of me being mad at you and plotting against love, I fell for you. Hard. Kinda like Jake Brown.

That lasted for another 24 hours.

Finally, I started thinking realistically. You're a grown woman. A mother. A sister. A daughter. A best friend. At this point, you know what you want out of life and what steps to take to obtain said wants. Right now, I'm not in that focus. (Hell, I know I said right now, but give a brother SOME hope for the future... ahh, who am I kidding?) I don't know if I'll ever be in your plans. I mean, I WANT to be in your plans for the future, I want a future for us. However, you're human. Being human, having a mind of your own, that's called FREE WILL. You have a choice. You choose whether or not I become more than just a close friend/brother/relationship counselor. You choose whether or not I become your significant other/"friend"/somebody you know. The choice that you made, which was for us to just become me and you, I can't get mad at. I have to accept it, embrace your decision. Whether or not I think it's the right one, it doesn't matter. What matters the most is that you are happy with decision that you made.

Which leads me to right now. The decisions that we make, the things that we say, the ways that we feel, are our own. I can't, nor will I ever, try to force you to love me, or even like me. I do know that somewhere in that 3 weeks that we were "together", some of the things that you said you were feeling was true, to what extent, I don't know, but I do know that you felt that way at one point. Yes, you did love me. Yes, you were attracted to me. (And let's be real, who wouldn't be? Come on, look at me. Yeah, I'm THAT nice.) Yes, when we kissed, it wasn't just me kissing you, it was you kissing me, too. You wouldn't have said or done those things if you didn't feel that way, I've known you for a long time now, so, being facetious or mendacious isn't in your game plan, that's not who you are. At one point, I wondered if you could feel that way for me again. I prayed that I could have the strength to be what you wanted out of someone who you were in a relationship with. But I know now that those feelings, those thoughts, they have to come from YOU. There's literally nothing more that I can say or do. If you want to feel a certain way about me, you have to make that decision, not me, not anyone else.

So, I started writing this. At first, it was more of a plea than anything else, to reconsider, for us to reconcile and become what we used to be. But somewhere between the first and second sentence, I realized that if I can't have your love willingly, if you can't come to me and tell me that you love me, then for me to get your love through any other means, really isn't love. It's just me forcing my opinion on you.

And I will not do that.

We are who we want us to be. You are back to being the Captain, and I have taken on the moniker of Hitch once again. Just know that my love for you has not faded, the embers in my heart will not burn out, and the piece of my soul I have given to you will never be replaced with someone else.

Love always,

She Hate Me

The King Of Wishful Thinking (Or...actually, no "or" this time....)

You got me thinking.
Actually, you got me wishing.

No, really let's start with thinking.

Otherwise, you'll get me drinking.

Do we always say what we mean?

Or do we always mean what we say?

I know that's confusing.

But this isn't me at play.

Or trying to be cryptic as usual.

Did you really love me?

Or are the words you've said,

Just meant to float above me?

I'm always thinking about you.

Work, school, inopportune times.

Awake or sleeping, speeding or creeping.

24/7 I'm reading in between the lines.

Different smiles that you were showing me.

Different ways you were holding me.

I can't explain it, like calling to pay a big bill

It really seems like you always got a hold on me.

Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Do you understand that I love you dearly?

Had to go get my eyes checked.

Ordered new glasses just so I could see you clearly.

Was it worth it?

To run back to him to run away again?

Not trying to be funny,

Just wondering when this circle is going to end.

No more misbehaving, you.

No longer a damsel in distress, I can't keep saving you.

You say that you're leaving him, this time for good.

I applaud you, you're doing something that you should….

Don't mind me, I'm still mad at you.

For not doing what you said you would.

I'm lying, why would I be mad?

You're only doing what makes you glad.

Happy, loving, joyful and excited.

I just want our flame to get reignited.

I'm just wishfully thinking.

Or am I thinking wishfully?

I'm wishing I didn't think this much....

I'm thinking that I wish blissfully.

Give me all your wishes, for they are a beautiful and dangerous thing...

I think I wished for too much, which is why now, I'm the King.

So Intense (Or, I love WAY too strongly...)

So I'm intense.


I had to receive a knife to my chest tonight to realize that.


And what twisted the blade even more? Knowing that the one person in this world that I love enough to give up everything to be with doesn't love me back.


She said she never could. She told me to my face tonight that she could never love me the way that I love her. Ever. Period.


The Virgo. Doesn't. Love. Me.


Not in that way. Damn. She sees me as a "warm and fuzzy friend".

What the shit is that?


That's three times in 10 years I have had someone tell me that they don't love me the way that I love them. So now, I've got to figure out a way to not love as intensely.


I can't keep going through this.


I am SO tired of being in love - at least, while nobody is in love with me. If things don't change for me, I'm gonna marry the first woman who tells me she loves me as much as I love her, and she's gonna treat me like shit, because she will have given me what I have built up in my mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect me, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work. © Ferris Bueller


I just got off the phone with my cousin. Guess what?




Yeah, she said I was intense too. Ain't this some shit?


I'm intense. That's bullshit. I am a lover. I love wholeheartedly. If that's intense, then fine, so be it, I will not change who I am, because changing who I am will make me become an asshole. An asshole of epic proportions. But not to worry. I'm leaving Love behind.





If I had to choose between Love and a .38 right now, I would choose the .38 and put it right to the dome.




Excuse my bluntness, but fuck Love. I'm moving to Cynicville.

Untitled (Or, how about I haven't came up with a name yet???)

I thought we was supposed to make it through anything?
At least that what I thought when I gave you that wedding ring...
Blessings and wishes rained down on us 3 years ago.
We shared our dreams, embraced our love, and let our fears go.
But now, a host of problems later,
Seems as if to our relationship we don't cater.
Forget getting an abundance of love, you can't even place the order.
No more home cooked food, you best run for the border.
We don't even talk... about nothing at all.
Looks like our lust for each other set us up for the fall.
Sex was good in the beginning, now, even that's fallen to the wayside.
So, nothing else is left for us to have in common, and you wonder why my emotions I hide?
Scared of you to find out the truth, which is what I believe
to be the end all, be all, final straw, last nerve to make you leave.
I knew about your boyfriend, saw him kissing your lips.
I didn't get mad, I actually gave him some tips.
See, those days where you said you was in class,
I knew you was at his house giving up some ass.
Sorry for being so crass, but I guess it needed to be said.
I want you to be with him, simply because our relationship is dead.
Or was it even alive in the first?
Place my trust that he'll treat you better, satisfy your thirst.
He'll be your Sprite, you'll be his Pixie.
We've gone too far for this to be fixed, see.
I had to learn how to let you go, it's better for us both.
A flower needs sunshine to facilitate it's growth.
I had to stop drowning you with rain or burying you with more dirt.
You don't need me anymore, and I know this is more hurt.
Band-Aids over bullet wounds does nothing but make things more sticky.
So saying this to you made things a little more tricky.
More complicated, more difficult, I keep saying more, but I need less.
Less of you, less of us, less of what we call stress...


And that's Love.

Day for the Virgo....

My wish for you today is to enjoy it.
Relax around friends.
Enjoy being healthy.
Blow out lots of candles.
Eat lots of cake.
Receive many gifts.
Make sure you're happy, especially on today.
For today isn't just another day, it's your day.
A time for you to be the princess we all know you to be.
Get pampered.
Get a foot rub.
Get a back massage.
Get somebody to feed you.
Get somebody to love you.

Well, scratch that last one. You already have someone who loves you very much. My wish for you on your birthday is to take things one day at a time. There are so many things I want to tell you, but none of those things even matter today.


Today, it's all about you.

Make this birthday even better than the other 23. Make yourself happy.


I love you, Captain. Remember that.

Geometry Wars (Or, how I stopped the Love Triangle Offense Part 2)

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.



The easiest way to solve the Love Triangle is to ask the questions you wouldn't normally ask.





Or do things you wouldn't normally do.



Me and the Virgo have become what we were before three weeks ago. It pains me.



I hurt as if I lost a piece of my heart, or something worse, like my soul.


I don't want her as a friend. Harsh, I know, but the truth usually is. I want her more than that, I inhaled her very essence, I nibbled on her soul, and the nectar was so sweet. (Out of the gutter, please. Thanks.)


I'm not well versed in this. I don't know exactly what to say to someone who loves you just as much as you love them, but can't become one because of other situations. I asked her these questions. Didn't know what else to do.


I wonder if you think about me. Not all the time, but sometimes, do you think about me? What if I could be what you need me to be? Would we still be? Could we be if the time was better, would you be with me? I dream about me, about you, about us. Was it just a dream or was it just a fling? Would it be better if I gave you a ring? Was it just this one thing? Two things? Three? Just questions I ask myself, to make myself better myself.

If I let you go, would you come back to me? Or is that old adage just a old wives's tale? Or, am I asking all the wrong questions?

Here I am speaking as if it's just you and me © 'Ye.


For 3 weeks, my soul wasn't invisible. Somebody saw it, saw what I was scared to show, and fell in love with my soul. Now I don't know if anyone will ever see it again.


Have a safe Labor Day weekend y'all. See you next week.

What won't do, will do. (Or, how to stop the Love Triangle Offense Part 1...)

Despite the image projected above, I'm not a player.

Nor am I J Dilla.




No disrespect to the the late, great one, but I think one girl will do for me.



Of course, as usual, Mr. I-Can't-Use-A-Regular-Bow-No-More - Have-To-Use-A-Multi-Directional-Crossbow himself, Cupid, has decided to make sure that not one, but TWO women, are totally interested in me. (No, the one in the pic is neither woman. Sorry, she was some chica I met at the bar last night.)



Most men would relish at the opportunity to have 2 women wanting him; I, however, am content with having just one. I can't deal with two women wanting your time at the same time, in the same places, doing the same things. (!)

One is a Gemini, such as myself, and she is a greedy one. (She's the Guyanese beauty I spoke about last month, pay attention! © DJ Drama) Last night, I invited Princess Daisy out with me and family to the bar for a couple of drinks and some dancing. She had to work today, so I understood when she declined. However, as I found out, she was kinda upset that I chose to go out with my fam instead of heading back to her place for.... how shall we say.... bed time. Literally. She's a homebody, and she's a sleeper, so, no hanky panky or anything like that, just some good old sleeping. She constantly wants my attention, all the time. (Trust me, I have 542 text messages this month from her that cements my statement.) I don't mind, quite honestly, I love the attention, she's a mean cook, and, she piques my interest simply because she's as sarcastic as I am. For the past month and a half, we've been kicking it, every weekend, movie dates, dinner dates, other dates... It's all been great, it's really been fun, however, there's this problem that I have....

How big, you say?


Oh, about 4'10" of a problem.

The Virgo. My best friend. Princess Peach. She's incredible. She's also just as greedy as the Gemini above. Always wants my attention, and I don't mind giving it, not one bit. Love being around her. The calm to my always moving storm. Whenever I feel like life is pulling me in different directions, she has the innate ability to get me to focus, especially on her. I've been around her for 6 years, on and off, but this year we really became close, speaking everyday. EVERYDAY. Exactly 2 weeks ago, we shared our first kiss. And our second. And out thi...... you get the point. It just felt..... RIGHT. I know I'm playing into the "All men are dogs" stereotype by dating one girl and falling in love with another, but me and the Gemini are doing just that - dating. We aren't together, and she talks to other men. Now, I'm not going to go into detail about the Virgo; same as last post, it's a complicated situation. I can say, however, that if she wasn't going through what she was going through, we would've been together for about.... two weeks now.

*sigh*

This post was supposed to be done earlier. But I ended up going out with the Virgo, and we had a blast, me, her, her son, and her best friend/sister. Of course, I finally told her sister that I had feelings for her best friend, and she cheered me on.


At the exact time that was going on, I received a phone call from the Gemini. She wanted to know when the next time we could spend some time together. I told her I would get back to her as soon as I can. At this point, I don't know what to say or do to either of them.


This just keeps getting better and better.




To be continued.....

Let It Go (Or, It's better to have loved and lost, than to yada, yada, yada...)

I was thisclose.



I had the most interesting happened to me in the past week.


I found my voice.



And I told her the truth.


And my truth was a mirror image of her truth, she felt the same way I did.


She told me that she loved me. And I told her that I loved her.



And all was right in the world.



But of course, Cupid is a funny motherfucker. He invents this stupid ass rule that if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.



So, I let her go.




Too many variables to explain here, but to be blunt, I was too late.


Mind you, I still have her heart. But with what she's going through, I don't want to cloud her mind, she's got different things she needs to concentrate on. With school, her home situation, and things of the like, me entering her life as more than a friend is a little much for her.

And I respect that. But I don't like it.


I think I've gone half crazy.



It's bad, because I want to cry, I need to cry, I should be crying, but damn, I'm so not crying right now.


It hurts when the one you love is so close that you can almost reach out, and hold tight to what you want, only to know that even if you two get together, everything is working against you.


I feel robbed, almost violated, on a level I haven't been touched at in years.

How many of you can honestly say you've fallen in love with your best friend, only to realize one of two things; that either your love is forbidden, or that your love was doomed from the start?



For the second time in my life, I've felt the pain of a person who isn't real. First, it was Percival from Idlewild. Now, finally, after 20+ years, Mario, I can feel your pain.


Love stinks. Love sucks. Love kills slowly. Love is a battlefield.







And I still want it.