Day 262 (While you were sleeping...)

The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


So, last night, I slept alone.


This is starting off good, no?


Seriously, I've been sleeping alone for a minute now. It's not a big deal to me, yet last night, I felt the pain of reaching out for someone who wasn't there.

It's funny; I learned to be by myself, to know myself and enjoy me... but it doesn't mean I like it. I wish I had a female laying next to me - me via Twitter

When I was happily married co-habituating, sleeping with her at night, even for those short 3 or 4 hours before she had to wake for work was... soothing. She used to hold me at night; she said she couldn't sleep comfortably otherwise. To have a warm body next to you, to feel their breathing patterns while sleeping because their breasts are pressed against your back because they are so close to you, to hold someone close and plant small kisses on their neck while they sleep, to feel them snuggle closer to you... it's a feeling that is simply wonderful.

And it's one that I miss. (The feeling, not her. Replace her with Kerry Washington, and I would have the same feelings. Maybe some extra.)

Mind you, while I have my own comments about "cuddle buddies", last night was the first time I could understand why some women (and men) have them. (For the record, basically I feel like if you two aren't good friends, you should never have someone of the opposite sex sleeping in your bed for nothing but the art of sleeping with someone, that's bad business. Even if you two are friends, be careful of the emotions and feelings that may emerge while half asleep, both good AND bad.) The late night talks about nothing at all. The intertwining of fingers and legs. Nothing sexual, but just.... closeness. Turning over and watching that person sleep; the facial twitches as they dream, looking at their REM (Random Eye Movement), that smile as they wake up and realize they are sleeping with someone they are comfortable with.

In all fairness, part of me feeling this way last night had to do with me just being alone. Not all the time; I'm surrounded by people I love, but even being around the ones I love, I noticed that they all have something I don't: a person to fall asleep with. I'm not gonna get into the whole "third wheel" thing, but sometimes, I wistfully look at my brother and sister and see how happy they are. Or my mom and her boyfriend. My grandparents, even. I see them, and even with all the joy I have in my life, and all the exciting things I have going on, I still feel a twinge of envy.

Envy about not having someone there to hold, or to hold me.


In the end, however, they are just passing emotions. They do re-occur every now and again, and they pass in that same 'every now and again' moment.

But while you were sleeping last night, I was awake. Staring at a ceiling.


Wishing she was here, sleeping beside me.

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Now playing: Flying Lotus - Tea Leaf Dancers
via FoxyTunes