Remember this?
If somebody would've told me a year ago things would be like this, I would've laughed till my sides hurt and tears exploded from my eyes...
And then laughed some more.
Of course, hindsight is 20/20, so right now, I'm not laughing. This isn't a laughing matter.
I miss her.
Then again, it isn't really her that I miss. It's what she represented.
I think I finally figured out why I was so enamored with her. Of course, I always knew what it was, even my brother (in the first 30 seconds of me meeting her) knew what the initial attraction was.
His advice?
"Leave the past behind, O. Don't do it to yourself."
Of course, that was back when I was hardheaded. Didn't learn, so of course, I did it anyway, I went after the past, chased it down like it owed me money. And since the past is 6'7" 320 of solid, Donkey Kong muscle, it beat me down like.... well... Donkey Kong.
But even if I had DK as my bodyguard, I still would've got hit.
HARD.
I think my brain hates me.
Tonight, out of the blue, I'm thinking about her again. But not The Virgo, not this time.
I'm thinking about The Leo. Never once have I called her that, I always used her other name I gave her.
You know the one.
Yeah, that one.
BM.
She used to be my Jazzy Belle.
My autophobia is kicking in again.
This is probably one of my worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) posts I've ever done, simply because I'm just putting myself out there, I'm not doing any editing or taking out, pure soul coming through here.
I do miss The Virgo, though. More for who she was, more importantly, who she was to me, than for what my initial impression of her was (which was the fact that she looked like the mother of my child). While she was in the dark about my first impression of her until I typed this, I'm guessing now if she reads this, it'll shed some light on some things.
She's long gone. Both of them. The Leo and The Virgo. Different circumstances, same result. I wasn't enough for The Leo, and I was too much for The Virgo.
Of course, the common denominator in all of this is me.
I lied.
I went back on promises.
I did the unthinkable.
I simply wasn't there.
And through all of this, I realized that as much as I write, as much as I run, I can't escape the fact that I do care.
Yes, I still care. I still love. Those feelings, they were genuine, so they never left.
But it's funny.
Those feelings diminish every single day. And I wonder to myself, will they completely fade away one day? And if/when they do fade away, will it be my fault, or theirs?
Yes, our breakups and ended friendships/relationships can be squarely placed on my shoulders. I'll take all that responsibility and I won't point fingers unless it's in my direction. But somewhere along the line, I've gotta think to myself, would these things still happen if I wasn't who I was? If I were someone else, if I did some things differently, would our breakups be different, too? Or would I have never experienced such pain?
I feel like Mario again, only this time, you can only view me in 2 dimensions, the first spark of something will cause me to catch fire, and I'm really easy to see through. I am a Paper Mario, one who is around to only save the princess. The problem comes in when Mario is the one who needs saving, not the princess.
So, who'll save Mario?
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