MOWNL: Chapter 1

I'm in love.

I know that's not really a way to start off writing something, but it's the truth.

I've been in love with the same woman for 18 years. What's funny is that I'm only 28. So yeah, I've been in love with the same woman since I was 10.

Before I forget, let me apologize to every woman I've ever dated seriously. Sorry, but you were always number two compared to her. I can't help it.

I've rotated my whole life around her. Seriously. My first girlfriend was a girl who looked like her. Not a whole lot, but she favored her a bit. I was building my way up to asking her out. I went ahead in life thinking about her. In middle school, I was dreaming about her, wondering what she was doing when we weren't in each other's presence. In high school, I was cutting class just to go see her, see what she was doing. I supported everything she ever did. I always thought she was the smartest woman in the world, and that she could do nothing wrong.

Look back at what I just wrote, it seems as if I have an obsession with this woman. Well, I do.

Kinda.

I don't want to say it's an obsession, because it makes me seem... stalker-ish. And that's not the case at all. I don't stalk her, but I do see her every chance I get.

Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you who she is. She goes by so many different names. Kat Speakes was how I was introduced to her. Then her name was Brandi. Wait, no, it was Zora. But then, she said her name was Lisa, which wasn't entirely true, because her name was Beulah. Then, I was told Debbie, Nina, Bird (which was a nickname, it was actually Tracy), Myra, Jordan, Donna, Rae, Leslie, Abbie, Karen, Sherry, Sasha, Sandra, Lonette, Suzanne, Annie, and then Vanessa.

But none of those names matter to me. I'm not in love with any of those women. I only have eyes for one woman. My heart flutters for one woman. My mind daydreams about one woman.

Her name is Nitara Carlynn Long. But you know her as Nia.

And this is my story on how I finally married her.

Day 55

Mood: Chilling

Mode: DJ mode (listening to MAD music right now, shout to 88 Keys for The Death Of Adam)


Thoughts: So, my brother told me that should blog more.

What scares me the most is that people aren't really ready to hear what I think.

I think. LOL


I don't really have a stance on the economy, simply because we ALL going through it whether wealthy, rich, check to check, or broke as hell.

I hope that Rihanna is well, and I hope that Chris is well, too, but I don't really think their situation is any of our business.

The NY Post has been hit by the recession too, and besides, they've always been the type of paper to post anything to get a response and get people to buy it. Which is why I wasn't shocked by the monkey (or chimp as they so lovingly call it) cartoon.

I don't know what else to say. I mean, right now, things are coasting along. I'm trying to finish writing my book (I started, scrapped it, started again, scrapped it, and finally decided on something good....) so I can give my publisher SOMETHING more than the first 4 chapters....LOL

As a matter of fact, I'll post the first chapter to one of my books tonight. That'll be good. Therapeutic, too.

I'm out.

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Now playing: 88-Keys - Close Call (feat. Phonte)
via FoxyTunes

Day 45

Mood: Relaxed


Mode: Chill


Thoughts: You know, 7 people died on this date 80 years ago, over booze, bootlegging, and money.

And somebody's wallet died today from overuse.

It was sad. The wallet didn't have to go that way.

Why do men feel as if they need to go all out on ONE day out of the year? Like, it's really gonna make up for all the B.S. you put your S.O. through the other 364 days out of the year. Listen, I like for people to be consistent. If you're gonna be a cheating, lying, no-good, two-timing asshole, be a cheating, lying, no-good, two-timing asshole all 365 days, not wait until V-Day to 'apologize' with that sorry ass teddy bear, the same teddy bear every other girl in her office received, and some lame ass dinner that you didn't even cook.

Save that money up. Get her a new lease on the relationship, or at least let her out of the current lease.



Moving on, I had an ok day. Woke up to a e-card from Twin, which set my day completely right. Talked to Torri for a LONG time this morning over im, learned a lot in the process. Went to work. Laughed it up with everybody there. Went out to Chilli's with The Gemini. Forget ok, I had a great day.

And it didn't have to be Valentine's Day for me to have a great day, either.

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Now playing: 88-Keys - Dirty Peaches (feat. J'Davey)
via FoxyTunes

Day 35

Mood: Melancholy


Mode: Hurt


Thoughts: I hurt.


I hurt for you.


I hurt because I know the pain that you're going through. I know what you're dealing with. I know why you keep putting up with it. Part of it is because you told me, but part of it is that I've been there before.

I know about the late nights spent up questioning yourself. I know about the days going to work wondering if everybody can see how that person makes you feel. I know all about being in public and feeling naked because it feels like everybody can see right through you. I know all about the river of tears streaming down your face constantly. I know about fighting the urge to forgive and forget everything just for a second chance. I know all about nights trying to sleep and all you can do is chase old memories about how things used to be. I know all about criticizing yourself in the mirror for hours on end inside and out, trying to figure out what you did or didn't do wrong. I know all about asking yourself why they don't want you any more.

I know all about it because I've walked in those same shoes.

I wish I could take that pain from you. I wish I could give you the life you deserve. I wish that you could be happy forever, no matter what the cost to me would be. I want that so bad for you. I always did.

Maybe my first wish is coming true. I can FEEL your pain, I can taste your tears. If you knew how bad I hurt for you.

I can't spit that old crap about 'It'll get better.' 'You'll find somebody else.' or, my personal favorite 'It's their loss.' You've heard it all before, and so have I, and I can tell you, it doesn't make it any better.

The only thing I can do is be there for you, just as I've always been there for you, just as I will always be there for you, no matter what.

Remember that.

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Now playing: Adele - Make You Feel My Love
via FoxyTunes

Day 34

Mood: Cool


Mode: Mirror-ish.



Thoughts: So, I talked to my sister tonight on some real things. She told me something that I knew, but I never took time out to think about.

I am scarred. For life.

But not physical scars. No, these are mental scars, emotional scars, things that I fought for and through, to get where I am right now at this very second. And I say that because I'm a Gemini. I can change in the drop of a hat.

I'm healing quite nicely. Partly because I'm surrounded by some good energy right now. I know there's some people out there who cares and appreciates me. I was told today that I was appreciated. That felt good. Especially since all I was doing was being me.

I'm healing pretty good. Partly because I learn to let things go. I haven't held on to one issue this year. And that feels wonderful. I had problems with letting things in the past go. I would add it to the weight I was already putting on my shoulders.

I'm healing kinda quickly. Partly because I've got goals in mind, things that I'm going to accomplish. Maybe not this year, maybe not this decade, but I will accomplish them. That's the good part. I'm feeling like I can do this, no matter what it is.

But the scars will always be visible. Mainly because I've learned a lesson from every single scar I earned and received.

And I don't want to forget those life lessons.

Ever.

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Now playing: Jay-Z - When The Money Goes
via FoxyTunes

Day 29 (Paranoia...)

we stopped sexing, paranoia sets in
you stopped texting, are all bets in,
you Funk Flexing, dropped bombs and such,
had the nerve to say that i'm too much, but
it was all good just a week ago
until now i was the numero uno
i'm a bit confused, i don't know what you know
my heart's the new ellen page in alaska, juno
but you know what it was and how it ended
add you to the list of girls that I befriended
kelis in 99, yeah, i'm suspended
between love and lust, and you pretend it
was just another opportunity to make a boy toy
play with my emotions, have fun, say oh, joy
my heart tried a stop loss, the wall was deployed
one quick look at those missiles, my wall was destroyed
your tongue a double agent, quick to join mine
its real team was you, so it stole all my shine
put oil on my plans, super slicked up my grind
now I gotta watch you and him play on primetime

have you lost your mind
anyway, he don't know you (like i do, he'll never know you)
like i do, he'll never know you (anyway, he don't know you)
and it's so true, thinking back to when our skies was blue
had me thinking about rocks that had no hue
and you were thinking about all of that and him, too

you played and blew me like your favorite clarinet
even had me jump back to smoking them cigarettes
scrounging online, finding dates on the internet
looking for a so-so girl that I could get intimate
within the first week, in between the sheets
no coldest winter sista, soldier's making up the heat
at first we're discreet, then in the back seat
then in vicky's dressing room, wash, rinse, repeat
it seeped in my mind like fog through a window
at first you would leave every time the wind blow
and i'm getting paranoid, my emotions in limbo
then you started going to where all the men go
with angel's food cake, but you're so devilish
and those net stockings, catching the bigger fish
i prayed the stars fell harder, i needed a bigger wish
no more help for the hamburger, you needed a bigger dish

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Now playing: Foreign Exchange - If This Is Love (feat. Yahzarah)
via FoxyTunes

Day 28

Mood: Relaxed


Mode: Focused


Thoughts: So, I've been asked about my crush. Not my Nia Long crush, come on, everybody knows about that. No, I mean my SECRET crush. And it's only a secret because I chose not to tell it.


Until now.

Why spill the beans now? Well, because I think that my time for holding stuff in is over.* Besides, unless she comes at me, I can't see myself going at her. Too much history. Let me enlighten you on her.

Her smile melts my heart, every time. New penny colored skin. Deep brown eyes. Nice, full, plump lips. Smart. Quick-witted. I gotta say, the older we get, the more gorgeous she gets. And it's weird, you know, like I ALWAYS wanted to try and talk to her... but she was so... BEAUTIFUL... I couldn't do it. And me, being the overweight, glasses-wearing dork I was in high school (compared to the overweight, glasses-wearing dork I am now? LOL) I never had the courage to even open my mouth and say something, ANYTHING. We were friends, actually, we still are friends. What's really funny is the past 3 times in 10 years I got with somebody serious, she popped right back up in my life, as if to say, "You should really just say something." For 12 years now, I haven't said one word to her, not like that. And I STILL hold a flame for her. She's just... amazing.

Her name, you ask? I'm too embarrassed to say. But she's a gem. And if she ever reads this, she'll know I'm talking about her. She was my addiction. In some ways, she still is.**

There. It's out there. I put it on blast for the world to see. AND I dropped mad hints on who she is.

You happy now? I won't put YOU on blast and say your name and what not, but you can answer my question...


...by writing a blog of your own. HA. Don't worry, I'll wait.




*Actually, I was dared by... a party who's name shall not be mentioned, to speak on my crush. I'll be waiting on that blog, madam.
** And to The Gemini, no need to worry, it's just a crush. So, don't go biting my head off, or keep reminding me of the past, ok? OK.
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Now playing: J*DaVeY - Might As Well
via FoxyTunes

Day 26 (and no, not the group...LOL)

Mood: Chilling

Mode: Energetic


Thoughts: So, after a crazy weekend spent driving around running errands and working, I had a lot of time to think to myself.

I hate dating.

This whole process is a trial and error thing. What works for one, might not work for another. Now, that's not to say you can go around playing chameleon, that's just saying that there's plenty of women out there, and it's getting to be a tiring search to find the right one. Correction, close to the right one, because no one can be 100% right for you.

I just wish there was a better way to say "This is who I am, do you like me, check yes or no." It's not like it was when I was in high school, adult dating is a whole 'nother beast. Too many rules to play by, and too many variables to find a decent partner.

What makes it worse, every woman you engage in a conversation with, the rules will change. Not the base rules (however, sometimes even they change), but the main rules for THEM. So now, you have to ask without really asking because she automatically assumes you know how to play the game.

And trust, she didn't come to you with instructions pinned to her chest.

Just my two cents. Leave a penny, take a penny.

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Now playing: John Legend - Green Light (feat. Andre 3000)
via FoxyTunes

Day 19

Mood: Cold (and I don't mean the temperature)


Mode: Sarcasm Enabled


Thoughts: I awoke this morning. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to do anything but lay there.

I think back over the past 2 months. I wonder where exactly I went wrong.

Did I get traded in for the new model? I'm not stupid enough to believe I'm the best thing walking, so it could possibly be someone better for her beside her right now.

Or maybe a old boyfriend called and said he was sorry. You know how that goes. New dude gets the instant boot.

Maybe I'm just a bad kisser. LOL I mean, that was the last thing we did or said to each other before I got that text message.

(Side note, that's what pissed me off the most. A freaking text.)

She says that it's the fact that she's not feeling me like I'm feeling her. Really? When did you decide that? While we were.... No, you know what. I'm still a gentleman. I won't do that. I will say that it isn't what most of you gutter heads are thinking, trust me. Strictly PG action.

Moving on, cause that vision is stuck in my head. Hard to erase that memory when it's the last one, good or bad, that you have with a person.

No, wait. No moving on. Let me get this straight. Not even 12 hours after I left your house, I get the whole 'friends' spiel. The only thing that I said after I left until that text you sent was I made it home, good night, and good morning. So, sometime between me taking you out to eat, us going back to your house for a movie, and me going home, you all of a sudden decided that I wasn't what you were looking for? Did I say something? Food stuck in my teeth? I shouldn't have used your bathroom? I didn't leave the waiter a big enough tip?

I don't get it.

Maybe you never really was feeling me in the first place. You needed conversation while whomever was lallygagging with coming back to you. So, 2 months of... whatever you wanna call it, cause I damn sure can't call it, and it's just over?

Maybe it wasn't for me to get, you know? I just know I'm trying to sort through my feelings. First, it was confusion. Then sadness, as I said last night. Then, this morning, I was so down... but as the day progressed, I got upset, then mad, then pissed, then...

I'm so sarcastic right now. And from the looks of it, I'll be this way for a while.

I can't even write right now, my thoughts are all jacked up. I can't sleep, cause I'll probably dream of her. And I'm sick, ain't that about... Even separated, I can't get her out of my system. Sigh.

Day 19, complete.

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Now playing: Kanye West - See You In My Nightmares (feat. Lil' Wayne)
via FoxyTunes

Day 18

Mood: Disappointed


Mode: She Hate Me



Thoughts:

Always last place.

Always last to know.

Always waiting around for... something.

Always in the 'Friend Zone'.

Always.


I don't get it. I really don't. You don't want a thug, you don't want a slacker, you don't want to be hurt, you want to be loved, to be respected, to be emotionally, mentally and financially stable... and when you get it?

You say it's not what you were expecting. It's not what you want.

This is an open letter. The 'you' is referring to every single female who I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, the thrill of chasing, the joy of dating, and the sadness of leaving.

What is it about me that makes you think I'm some kind of play thing? That I'm one of the people hired to put you back together again, to help heal your broken heart, just for you to simply run into the arms of ANOTHER guy who'll hurt you? Is that what women do now? Do they run around saying:

"I want a gentleman. I want a man who'll take care of home and business. I want a good father for my kids. I want to be held, and loved, and respected."

...and then as soon as they find them, tell them that "I just want to be friends, because you're SUCH a good guy." Or, "I don't think I like you as much as you like me." Or, "You're too intense. I've never felt love like this before, but it's too much." Or, "I see you as my older brother." Or, "You're like family to me, we could never date." Or any other numerous reason that I've gotten over the years.

I am SO TIRED of the bullshit. I've been the Nice Guy for too long. I ask, always, always, always, in the beginning, tell me what you're looking for. If I can fit that mold, then I'll give it a shot. If not, I'll move on. I have enough 'friends'. These female 'friends' call me when the chips are down. When they have sex with a dude the first date and never hear from them again and they need me to console them. When they need me to ride with them out to his house to see if he's home, or if he has a new girlfriend. When something, anything, needs fixing and I have the skill to fix it. When he hits her, and she needs to cover it up. When he leaves her and the kids out in the cold, and they need a place to stay. I'm too available, right? I bet that's what's going through your head. So, what happens when I'm not available all the time? I get dropped like a hot potato. So now, I gotta think like every female is a flake? HA. That'll get me somewhere.

This is crazy. I'm crazy. I am. I have to be, to keep thinking that I can adapt to a female if need be, or I can be myself around anybody, or that I can change like a chameleon when the situation calls for it.

I'm tired, ladies. I want you all to think about this. Think hard, too, because it'll change your outlook on finding a mate, I promise. This will be the deciding factor in finally finding the man that is the closest to your Knight In Shining Armor as you'll get.

What is it that you want? And when you get almost EXACTLY what you want, what will you do with it?

Stop letting your brain (and your girlfriends who are single) get in your way. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, it's good. Really good. And it's all true. Not everything that's too good to be true is a lie.

Sometimes, life gives you lemons. And you make lemonade. Sometimes, life gives you everything you've ever wanted. Don't throw it away. You'll be losing out on what is possibly the best thing you've ever had.

Thankfully, Day 18 is complete.


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Now playing: N¤E¤R¤D - Sooner or Later
via FoxyTunes