...finish last. (Or, She's Just Not That Into You...)

We've all heard the phrase.


Whether you're saying the phrase or hearing it, you know the phrase.


"Nice guys finish last."

For a while, I believed it. All through high school, some parts of college, even in my breakup with my then-fiancée, I knew that because I was considered "the nice guy", I was subject to getting walked all over, shunned, placed in the Friend Zone, and completely ignored.


Now, as I've grown older, I realize that it is all BULLSHIT.


Here, let me spell it out for you so you can understand it. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.


I am what's considered a caregiver. As far as evolution goes, I'm a provider. I provide what women need; friendship, companionship, loyalty, respect, kindness, understanding, etc. I am that guy that females wouldn't mind spending the rest of their lives with. I am the model man that women always say they want. "I wish I could find a guy just like you." But not me. Why?

I'm unattractive.

That may sound harsh, but on a genetic level, I am. I'm considered ugly, according to most women's DNA. Physically, I'm not what women want. Physically, I'm the farthest you could get from being even somewhat cute.

Look at it this way.

Since the beginning, men have been considered as being genetically predisposed to "be fruitful and multiply". Now, before you go into something completely different, let's look at women. Women, in a manner of speaking, have been considered to look for men whose genes will produce male offspring with the best chance of reproductive success. I know I'm digging into human sexuality behaviors here, but that's the point, isn't it? For humans to continue to have successful offspring?

I think so.


So, why wouldn't a woman want her future son to be genetically beautiful, while at the same time, be provided for by a caregiver? (I'm saving that whole argument for another post...)

There are men out there who has both the beauty and the brains. Those men are few and far between, not because they don't exist (they do) but because they are either hidden or already taken. Then, there's the men with the beauty, and following the command of their genetics to a T, are out there spreading the love to any woman who wants it, like a modern day Johnny Appleseed; or they are also taken.

Then there's the brains. Me. People like me. The caregivers. The ones who provide the stable home, the security, the friendship role. We are the ones the females finally go for after the beauty has faded. No longer hindered by their biological clock, they now search for the security of being stable with someone who actually knows how to fulfill every aspect needed from a life mate. Well, except for the offspring. But they are no longer in need of that.


Society often speaks of the men who are with women half their age. Rarely are there talks about the women who search for men half their age physically, but mentally, they are the providers. However, they do exist. There are more women who are looking for marriage material after they have had children than there are women who's searching for such beforehand.

Often, I've felt I've been born into the wrong age. Now, I realize, I have been born about 15 years too late.

Tonight, I finally finished a homework assignment given to me by The Virgo. She wanted me to ask around and see exactly what qualities I possessed that put me into the "Friend Zone" almost every single time. I asked 8 different women*; women who, in the past, I've either asked out or wanted to. These 8 women do not know each other, and with the exception of 2, have never met. They do not talk to each other on a daily basis. I asked the question, and with ALL 8, I got the SAME response, the only varying point being sentence structure.

When giving a description of what they thought of me when they first met me, all 8 said that I was, get this, a nice guy. Well, that was no surprise. But the surprise came when I asked about the ex-boyfriends/husbands/asshats they dated. Just take a wild guess what they said they were thinking when the women first met those men.

"I thought he was an attractive man..."


See the difference between me and them now? I'm just nice, those guys are attractive. When I asked what attracted the females to those males, you know the answer I got?

"I don't know, it was just something about him..."


Genetically, I don't have the DNA to compare to the attractive men. I'm only the caregiver.


The provider.


She's just not that into me. And it's not her fault, it's my genetics. I'm sought out solely for my abilities for being a life partner, not for my attractiveness. In the last post, I said I was the dick in the glass case. Expanding on that, I'm the ace in the hole. I'm the one women will flock to as soon as the attractiveness phase passes. Psychology wise, if I were to change who I was just to get out of the Friend Zone, the 8 women would view it as desperation, and one of two things will happen; either I'll lose them completely because I've "changed for the worst", or I'll just place myself deeper into the Friend Zone.


After all of this, I could say I'm talking out the side of my neck. Tomorrow, I could meet someone who would excite me mentally as well as physically and emotionally, and she'll become someone who I could have a long lasting relationship with while also being my best friend. And on a genetic level, she could want to be with me for both the beauty AND the brains.


But I doubt it.



Evolution is playing against me. I don't think I could win against thousands and thousands of years of selection.


I'll always be hopeful. But right now, I'm just jaded. Nobody remembers second place. Second place is just first loser. And I'm the nice guy.



Just guess where I'll finish.



* One of those 8 women, actually, the last woman I asked, was The Virgo. Needless to say, she was shocked to find out she felt the same way every other woman did.

The Friend Zone (Or, who am I to you, platonic, or catatonic?)

"Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Cause you never know. They get rid of girlfriends every six months. 'What happened to Pam?' 'She think she cute.' But they keep them platonic friends forever. Why? Cause you never know. 'What happened to Carol?' 'I can't hang with her.' But they keep them platonic friends forever. WHY? Cause you never know. You know what a platonic friend is to a woman?

It's like a dick in a glass case.

In case of emergency, break open glass." - Chris Rock, Bring The Pain

So, last night, I went out for some ice cream. Yeah, some ice cream. I went with Miss Valentine. Cold Stone is like maybe 7 minutes from where I live. We arrived there at around 9:15PM. We stayed until closing. Laughing. Talking. Joking. Enjoying each other's company. So much, in fact, we came back and talked in the parking lot for 4 more hours after that.

Somewhere during the conversation, she asked me would I still introduce her to my close friends, even if we were to just become good friends, not really going any further than that. I knew what that meant, I've heard this line of questioning before.

Somewhere, I have made the wrong turn. I was supposed to make that left at Albuquerque. Instead, I have ended up in the Friend Zone. And you know, once you're there, it's damn near impossible to get out.

The differences between the "one-ladder" ranking system of men and the "two-ladder" ranking system of women, in Ladder Theory, often lead to mutual misunderstanding, the most egregious example of which is held by LT to be the so-called "nice guy" approach. In this model, a man attempts to increase his appeal to a woman by demonstrating the qualities she has indicated that she values in another person (stereotypically, these are positive "friendship" qualities such as patience, kindness, helpfulness and consolation). To the male, this is perceived as simply increasing his overall appeal on the single ladder; for the female, however, such behaviour increases the man's rank on the "Friendship" ladder while simultaneously decreasing it on the "Partner" ladder, due to the perceived disparity in criteria between the ladders. - Ladder Theory explained

Yeah, so, at first, that's what ran through my mind, because it's been happening all my life. I meet girl. I talk to girl. Girl sees me as friendship material, or worse, her "big brother". I resume my stay here at The Friend Zone Inn.

In high school, I received all types of advice. "Don't be so nice." "Dude, you're there for her too much. fall back." "She's using you for the 80% she can't get from her 20% guy. Just leave her alone." I tried it all. Most times, I ended up losing a good friend because I honestly didn't want her as a friend, well, not in the beginning.

And even recently, look what happened with The Virgo. Yeah, so, I already knew where it was headed, and I was looking for a way out.



Miss Valentine wasn't having any of that.


She calmly explained to me that it was just a question, she had no intentions of making me stay in the Friend Zone, she didn't even want me to drive by it. She just wanted to see where my head was, and where exactly did I want this thing of ours to go. So, I'm not in the Friend Zone with her. (Not yet.)


But I am a platonic friend.

And that scares me more than being in the Friend Zone.


Chris had a good point. Once the dude that she decides she's gonna be with messes up, who the first guy she's gonna run to? Me. It's happened before. Not saying that I flat out had sex with them, but I was there for a couple of lonely nights, some lonely weekends.

I don't want that to happen to her. I don't want to be her "second choice". You know what I'm talking about. I don't want to end up as the "Plan B" guy because "Plan A" was a jackass. She shouldn't have to settle to be with me, I should rise to her expectations to make her make me "Plan A", right? Right?


Isn't that what every guy is supposed to do?

Catatonic patients will sometimes hold rigid poses for hours and will ignore any external stimuli. - Possible effects of Catatonia

The question that I have now is, do I want to be that dude that waits forever for the impossible to happen? I mean, I'm not rushing her. I just.... I'm at the point now where I know what I want out of a potential mate. Do I ignore every woman who I have a conversation with? Every woman who is mentally attractive, I let walk away? Do I.....

*sigh*


I wonder where I am on the chart with her. I wonder if she'll tell me.


I wonder if I'm just a vegetable or a dick in a glass case.






Either way, I'm still here. I'm still in the Friend Zone.

And there's no way out.

Stealing Moments...(Or, making time for you...)

The message music plays.


I get happy, because it's you. We talk all day, through work and play, speak about whatever may...


Come on! I was just joking. You know that. We laugh, laugh some more. Talk about whatever will...

Be that as it may, it's still new to me, to you, to us. Stole a whole day away from it all, just me and...

You know how you get that funny feeling? Like, when a new friendship blooms? I had it all that day. Excitement, nervousness, especially when I touched...

Your hand was by your side. A couple of times, I wanted to reach out, thought it might have been too early, you know? Sometimes, you never know when the time is right, or maybe it never will be...

Right now, I'm talking to you. Waiting on your response to silly questions, serious questions, and the like. We started talking about relationships and I started to wonder about a relationship between me and...

You said that you have high standards. I applauded you for that. Deep in my mind, I wondered if I could pass that test, with flying...

Colors of that day, the greens and purples and yellows and blues stay in my mind. Man, that was the most fun I've had in a long...

Time seems to fly when I see you. Get the urge sometimes to spend every moment with you, only because you seem to "get" me. Same music, same tastes, and I've got to admit, you look good, but it's not all about the...

Physical things we did weren't much. Shook hands here, maybe a hug there. All I can think about is the last time we saw each other. We hugged three times and each time I wondered if it would be a crime to steal a...


Moment.

The Day After (Or, I forgot to give you this...)

EDIT: This is part two. For part one, click here.

Thanks!

---------------------------------------------------

"Interesting."



Dr. Wright looked at us. Just stared.


I was about to lose my mind. After I told her everything that happened last night from my point of view, all she has to say is "Interesting"?

Dr. Wright asked us as we plowed in office an hour ago why was there two new additions to her Saturday afternoon session. That's when I told her what went down.

Marisa was bouncing her leg like a furious woman. She sat beside me on one love seat. Across from us, were Robert and Natalie. I haven't said two things to my wife since yesterday. Natalie was almost vacant. Staring out of the window, chewing on her nails, she wasn't involved in the conversation at all, she just told Dr. Wright to ask me what happened.


"Natalie," Dr. Wright finally quizzed, "Is there something that you can add to this?"

Nat huffed. "I don't really have anything to say to that cheater."


I sneered at her. "Cheater? Last night was the FIRST time I've ever stepped out on you! How long have you and Robert been going at it, huh?"

Robert looked at me as if he wanted to hit me. "Hey, don't bring me into this."

Marisa snapped, "Oh, you were already in this, the minute you started with her. So, answer the question, husband. How long have you two been seeing each other behind our backs?"

Dr. Wright looked over at Robert, and waited for an answer.

He wrung his hands together. The look of worry and fear washed over him for a quick second. "Since the first night I met her."

Me and Marisa both dropped our mouths open at the same time.

Robert began. "It was... sudden. She excused herself to the bathroom. And I got that call from the office, remember? I went to the phone area, and called the office back. As soon as I hung up, she walks out of the bathroom, looking... weird. I asked her if she was ok, and she asked me how I could handle you two being friends. I told her that sometimes I couldn't handle it. It always seemed like Marisa was closer to you than me." He looked at me right in my eyes. "She agreed, said that she felt that way sometimes, and that she wished you would talk to her the way you talked to Marisa. So, we exchanged contact information. At first, it was lunch meetings. Then, we started seeing each other after work. One night, about 5 months ago, we just kissed. And since then, we've been seeing each other. I love Natalie." He held her hand. "The same way you love Marisa."

I couldn't hold it any longer. "That's why we've only had one dinner date together?!? Because you two couldn't keep it together while you were around us?!?" I pointed at Natalie. "You. You lied. Told me that we were drifting apart because I didn't understand how hard you had to work. That's the reason we ended up here in the first place-"

Dr. Wright cleared her throat. "I must apologize, but I'm going to cut this short. This is getting out of hand. Also," she looked at Natalie, "you lied to me about why you needed marriage counseling. And that, young lady, I cannot condone. Ladies, gentlemen, you can use the room as long as you like, but I say good day to all of you." And with that, she stood up, and walked out.

I stood up. "So, what now? What are we gonna do?"

Natalie looked at me. "I loved you. Loved you, even though I knew it wasn't going to work between us. Married you, even though I knew you cared for Marisa more than you did me. Tried marriage counseling, even though I knew it was my fault we were breaking down. I love you now. I always will. With that being said, it's a couple of things you might need to know before we end this."

Marisa looks at Natalie. Natalie smirks at her.

"Natalie," Marisa says softly, "don't do this..."

I look at Marisa, then look back at Natalie.

"Robert wasn't the first person I cheated on you with. Marisa was."

The initial shock took my breath away. I stammered. "I....I-I......what?"

Robert had tears in his eyes. He stood up, took off his wedding ring. "Marisa, you can have the house. I just want my stuff and the car. That's it. You'll get everything else. I'll send the papers through my lawyer. Natalie, we are through. I can't be with someone like you. It was.... fun. But it's over." He looks at me, somberly. "I hope that you can make it through this. And I feel for you, I really do. I apologize for putting you through this. Hopefully, you can forgive me. One day." And with that, he places the ring in Marisa's hand, and walks out of the room.

I look at Marisa. I wanted to slap the taste out of her mouth. My face felt hot. I couldn't think properly.

Natalie continued. "It was after our honeymoon. Marisa called you and you guys talked for about 3 hours, laughing and chuckling. And even though the conversation wasn't private, not in the least bit, I still wanted to know what she had that I didn't. So, I called her the next evening. I told her I needed to meet up with her, talk to her about you. She agreed, and we met at her house. Robert wasn't there, he was out. I told her straight up that I wanted to see what you saw in her. She broke it down, told me that you loved me, more than you ever loved anyone else, including her. I asked why did you two seem so close and why couldn't I feel some of that closeness. I wanted to see her love from her point of view. We kissed-"

Marisa yelled, "That's enough, Natalie! Stop, don't do this to him!"

Natalie snapped right back. "Do what? It's already done, and you helped it out. I want my husband back, I want to work it out with him." She looks at me. "I love you. Please, forgive me, let's just work this out, I know we can make it work."

"No."

She cried out, "No?!? Why not? Baby-"

"Don't. Don't even think for one second that you can come back... after all of this... you betrayed me, slept with my best friend, slept with her husband... and yet, you think it's something salvageable out of this? Am I supposed to just lay down and forget everything? Go home. Pack your stuff. Get out. Go to your mother's. Go to Diane's. Just go. Don't be there when I get there."

Natalie bursts into tears. She runs from the room.

I stand, back to Marisa, looking out of the window.

She walks up behind me, places her hands on my shoulders.

"Don't touch me. Traitor. How could you do this? To ME?!? I'm supposed to be your best friend. How could you keep this from me? You knew. YOU KNEW. All along, you knew. You knew when I came to you about going to marriage counseling. You knew when I was breaking down, slowly, but surely. You said NOTHING. What do I have left? What did you gain out of this? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?" I was breathing heavily. Hot tears streaked down my face.

"Because I love you. And I wanted you for myself. I planned it from the beginning. Robert was cheating on me long before he met Natalie. Natalie confided in me that night that she doesn't think it's gonna work between you two, because she doesn't love you enough to spend the rest of her life with you. I slept with Natalie, knowing that she'll do anything to keep that secret from you, including coming to marriage counseling. So, that night she met Robert, Robert played himself to a T. He hit on her when they both disappeared from the table. She fell for it, because she's a sucker for a cute face. Now, it's just me and you. We can finally admit our feelings for each other. Start over, start a relationship, and a family."

I looked at her as if she was possessed by the devil. "You LOVE me? I don't think you even know the meaning of the word. 12 years of friendship, and you throw it away because you were too scared to tell me. Start a relationship? With you? You must be crazy." I walk towards the door. "You ruined my life. I have nothing to go home to but empty drawers and echoing walls. I should slap you, choke you, make you feel all my pain. But I'm not. I'm going to leave you with this: I hope you find someone who truly loves you. Loves you more than anything else in this world. And when you finally decide to spend the rest of your life with him, he leaves you. Just like I am. Good luck, Marisa."

I walk out of the office and head towards the elevator. I hear the sobs come from the other room. Every fiber of my being wants to go console her, tell her I was wrong, that maybe we could work through this, that maybe I can be the one that can be her love forever. But the elevator doors close.



Oh well.

Happy Aniversary (Or, a million and one questions...)

Friday afternoon, 3:19PM

I walked into my office, ready to file the last of my papers and jet. I was ready to have a weekend with my wife, alone, something I have done with her since... well, since we got married. With her always working, I was always at home on the weekend, watching SportsCenter like it was going out of style.

But not this weekend.


It was our anniversary weekend. She told me she took off from her residency, she's "accidentally" leaving her BlackBerry and pager in her desk at work, and gonna concentrate on me and her.


Almost twelve months of marriage, and 3 of those, we spent in marriage counseling. We needed it. As a doctor on call, she wasn't home all the time. I filled the lonely space as much as possible, with hobbies, friends, and a lot of Xbox 360. It wasn't always like this, she was home more often, well, until the head doctor at the hospital quit all of a sudden. That was about a month after the honeymoon. Then, it went from cooking dinner for her and eating together to fast food for me, and the vending machine for her. A lot of sleepless nights followed, waiting up for her. That turned into me going to bed at 9PM. She rarely beat the sun home. 18 hour days. Spent the rest of her free time sleeping alone because I was at work.

But all of that was gonna change. I truly believed it.

After filing the last of my papers, I sit at my desk, and check my email for the last time. Two emails. One from Stanley, telling me that he needs someone to come in tomorrow, and if I could do it, it would help him out so much.

Delete.

The second came from Marisa, my partner here at the office. She was letting me know to relax and have fun this weekend, and that if I need Monday, let her know and she'll cover for me. I laugh and shake my head. She's been my friend since freshman year in college. Marisa knew all about my issues. She caught me once or twice having a moment, and she consoled me. We were friends after all, been so for 12 years and I enjoyed going out with her and her husband Robert when I was invited. Robert met Natalie once when we went to dinner together. They seemed to hit it off well, and I was hoping that we could become friends, all of us.

It'll come when it comes.


I shut my computer down, grab my coat, walked down to Marisa's office and knocked on the door. I cracked it open, peeked my head in and overheard her and her husband having a.... discussion. That's what she called them, anyway.

"Robert, we had reservations tonight at The Real Folk Blues. No, I can't just call them back and get refunds for the tickets. They're booked solid for the next week, you know it's The Roots tour coming, and after that, Erykah Badu will be here. No, I don't want to go by myself, what's the point? No, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. You couldn't say no?" She notices me and waves me in. I closed the door behind me. She sighs and says "Ok, fine. I'll call and cancel. No, it's fine, really. No, don't worry, I'll be fine. No. No. Ok. Go. Love you, too. Bye."

She hangs the phone up, shaking her head.

"Well, my plans are shot to hell. You out of here?"

I smile sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm done. Natalie should be at the house getting ready. I'm sorry to hear you won't be there tonight, it would've been fun, the four of us."

"Yeah, I really wanted to see Andre' 3000 tear the house down tonight. At least you and Nat should be getting down and having fun. Looks like it's me, some Ben and Jerry's and Tyler Perry. Are you excited?"

I smile like a kid at a candy store with 20 bucks. "You know it. Haven't been on a real date since... since we all went out last time. Shame I had to think about it, you know?"

She smiles at me too. "Yeah, but all of that will be erased this weekend. Go, get out of here. Go fix your marriage. Call me, let me know how the show goes."

I open the door. "I will, thanks. Have a good weekend."

"You too."

I go to the parking garage, put my briefcase in the car, and get ready to go home when my phone rings. It's Nat, but it's the hospital number. I knew I shouldn't have answered it, but I did anyway.

"Hello?"

"Babe, I'm so sorry."

"How late are you gonna be?"

There was a long pause. "I'm not going to make it tonight."

I snap. "Damn it, Nat, it's our anniversary. Our ANNIVERSARY. And you're gonna work through it, huh? Just like that."

"Hey, don't get mad at me. And stop yelling at me. It's my JOB. I have to be here, and I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

I suck my teeth. "Yeah, ok. Bye." I hang up the phone. I couldn't continue to go through this. I kick the car out of anger. I hear a voice fall out of the sky.

"Hey, calm down. You ok?

It was Marisa. I turn around and let her know what was going on. She comes and hugs me.

I vent. "Why does she think that she has to play SuperWoman and save the hospital? The place won't fall apart if she's not there for 1 damn weekend. I need her. Her husband. Can't they understand that?"

Marisa looks at me, sees how defeated I feel. "Hey, look. No need for these tickets to go to waste, and both of us being at the house isn't gonna cure anything. Let's go. Me and you. We can just kick it, like we did in college."

"I don't know..." I sigh.

"Hey, come on. If you don't go, I'm gonna eat all the snacks in the house. And when I come back to work Monday, I'm gonna look like I gained 50 pounds, and you know I don't like to erase all the exercise I did this week."

For some reason, that struck me as funny. I laugh out loud. She always had that ability to make me laugh. "Ok," I agreed, "We'll go. I'll stop by and pick you up at 6?"

She smiles. "6:15. You know a sister is gonna be late getting ready."



Friday night, 10:37PM

We arrived at The Real Folk Blues at 6:35. The place was already packed, waiting for Andre' to come shut it down. We sat down, ate, stood up, danced, laughed at the people coming in looking as if they came for a school dance. Andre' came over after his set and hung out with a group of us, signed some autographs, and bounced.

Marisa wore a sexy, ankle length A-Line dress with some 2 inch heels. She was looking very nice. Standing model-like, she was almost as tall as me. Without the shoes, she was 5'8", light skinned. Half Black, half Spanish, she was a natural mix, and while you had no problem noticing that she was Black, guessing what she was mixed with was an exercise in futility. People guessed everything from Puerto Rican to Dominican to Mexican, and she loved when people said Mexican, because she liked to correct them and let them know her father was from SPAIN, not Mexico.

"I feel under dressed with you tonight. If I had know you were gonna go all out, I would've done more than throw on some slacks and a button up."

She laughed. "Hey this was for Andre'. If I wasn't married.... whew. All types of sexy, that man is. ­¡Muy caliente!"

I shake my head, smiling all the while. "You are crazy. Well, it's cleared out some now, they getting ready for the live set, you ready to go?"

She frowned playfully. "You not going to dance with me? What if I don't want to go home right now?"

"Hey, I don't want to go either. But we aren't night owls, and I know you can fall asleep at the drop of a dime."

She nods her head. "You're right. Come on, let's go." We start walking to the parking lot, talking along the way.

"Marisa, I wanted to thank you for dragging me out tonight. I really appreciate it. It got my mind off my marriage for a minute, and I guess I needed that, so, thanks."

"Hey, it's not a problem. Besides, you saved me from a night of gaining pounds and crying my eyes out at Daddy's Little Girls. So, really, I should thank you." She reaches for my hand, and we hold hands on our way to the car.

"Where did we go wrong in our marriages?" she wondered. "I mean, I think I'm a pretty good wife, and I know you're an excellent husband. But it's like our spouses don't even want to be around us. I don't get it. Did I do something wrong?"

I shake my head. "No, don't blame yourself. We're just married to two workaholics. There's nothing wrong with that, yet, there's everything wrong with that. It's almost like I'm in a long distance relationship with my wife, yet we live in the same house."

"Why didn't we get together?"

I was completely taken aback by her question. "Huh?"

She kept going. "You would've expected us to get together and at least date. I mean, look, we've known each other since freshman year in college. You haven't even made so much as an awkward pass at me. At first, I thought it was because I wasn't your type, you know, and then I realized that it was because you saw me as a true friend. But I wondered if you ever thought about us... at least once...."

I sighed. Swallowed the pool of saliva that had formed in my mouth. "I would be lying if I said I didn't think about being with you. But, I mean.... I don't know..."

"I'm lonely. I haven't slept beside my husband for months. Can't remember the last time I felt his touch. You know, the UPS guy touched my hand the other day, and I felt... wow. And he's not even all that cute. I can't even believe I'm even thinking about this... but I need to feel wanted. Tonight, you made me feel good. Wanted. And I just want to know.... I mean, I need to know.... am I still desirable? If no one else wants me... does my best friend want me?"

"Marisa...."

She interrupts me. "And I'm not asking for you to start an affair. Well, maybe I am. I'm actually thinking about stepping out on my husband, but I need something, I need this, you need this. Don't you want to feel wanted too?"

"I love her, Marisa. I don't think this would be fair-"

"Fuck fair. It's not fair I can't even be a wife to my husband. And it's definitely not fair that your wife can't even take off on your anniversary, to try and let her husband act like he is her husband."

I sigh. "I can't remember the last time we were intimate. It's like I'm living by myself, or with a roommate that's never there, just shows up to pay rent and leave. Every time I try to get something started, she claims she's tired. I tried going to the counselor by myself, ask what I could do, and she doesn't help."

She grabs my hand. "Come home with me. Please. Between friends. I need you." And with that, she kisses me. Slowly at first, as if to test the waters. I pause, unsure if I want to take it there. Our first kiss was an unsure one.

Our second kiss was way more passionate. I kiss her, she kisses me, tongues moving back and forth. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I hear a soft moan come out of her mouth. I stop her, look into her eyes.

"I've always wanted you. I just thought I ended up in the friend zone with you, that we could never have an opportunity together. I had dreams about being with you, want to touch your skin, kiss your lips..."

"Then take me home. And let's enjoy each other's company. I want you," she states.


I've never driven so fast in my life.



Friday night, 11:12PM

We arrive in front of her house. I get out of the car, she's already standing outside of her door. We start kissing again, and while kissing me, she fumbles for the keys. Opening her lock, we push our way inside. She closes the door with her left foot, then places her left leg on my hip.

We kiss more and more, moving our way to the couch. She hikes her dress up and takes off her thong. I take my coat off and she unzips my pants. I can't believe that we're going here, after 12 years of friendship. She pushes me on the couch, and straddles me. I'm deep inside of her. I can hear that initial moan, I can feel that first shudder. She kisses me, and starts to ride me. Slowly, moving very deliberately, wanting to control the situation and the speed and the depth.

Her face is glowing, her eyes locked onto mine. My vision is getting blurry, she's swimming in and out of focus. She smiles. I close my eyes, feeling that first climax coming from deep inside me. I hear her say "I love you." But that wasn't Marisa's voice.


It was Natalie's.

My eyes shoot open, and Marisa has stopped completely. She starts breathing heavily, more than she was, almost hyperventilating. Then we hear the second voice say "I love you, too."


That was Robert's voice. And it came from the kitchen.


We both look over towards the kitchen and see Robert and Natalie, naked, kissing, holding hands. A sharp breath escapes from Marisa. I feel my face getting hot.

Robert sees us first. His smile melts away slowly. Natalie notices this, and her face shows concern, until she looks at us.

And the four of us, looking back and forth at each other, each one not believing what just transpired, each one finding answers to questions they had, and having a million more taking their place, has just realized what was going on the whole time.


I don't think that the marriage counselor will be ready for this.

Have you ever heard this story? (Or, am I looking into a mirror?)

"There once was a tiger-striped cat.
This cat died a million deaths and
was reborn a million times
...and was owned by various people
who he didn't care for.
The cat wasn't afraid to die...
One day,
The cat was a free cat,
A stray cat.
He met a white female cat,
And the two cats spent their days happily together,
Well, years passed by,
and the white cat died of old age.
The tiger-striped cat
cried a million times,
and then died
It never came back to life..."



I look at this and wonder.



When will it be time for me to finally let go and not be owned by anyone?



And the moment that I do, have I resigned myself to the same fate?

Am I just a being that lives a life filled with unemotional pleasures who never really lives until it finds some sort of personalized truth to hold on to?


"I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not trying..." - Jay-Z

New Year, New Things (Or, I'm doing things I NEVER thought I would do...)

So, 2 weeks into the new year and already, it's shaping up to be something fantastic.


I went rollerskating on Sunday.


I'm gonna let you breathe that in.




ROLLERSKATING.



I don't have any sense of balance. None, whatsoever.

But, I did the impossible, and I got out there, and it felt good. Sure, I almost fell (twice), and I only went around the rink once.... but I did it.


And I'm contemplating doing it again.


Anyway, just a quick update. I have some high hopes for this year, and if things work the way I want them to, then I'll be one happy camper come 2009.



Stay up, and remember, be GREAT in '08.

End of the year.... (Or, 2007 is leaving the bulding....)

Ok, so I'm not really into doing lists.... that are of normal ideas.

But this year, I wanted to throw my hat into the pile.

So, if you care.... here's my Top Ten 'Top Ten Lists'.


Top Ten Songs of 2007 (No particular order...)

1. Fallin' by Jay-Z (American Gangster): I have had this song in HEAVY rotation every since I heard it on November 6th. It was between this and 'Say Hello' but Fallin' wins simply because it reminds me of Regrets. Can't place why, it just does.

2. International Player's Anthem by UGK feat. OutKast (Underground Kings): R.I.P. Pimp C. Top notch verses from everybody, and with DJ Paul on the beat, it was an incredible song. Got me through the summer, fall, and even now. 2008 is the year of the 'Kast. Yeah, I said it.

3. Hot Thing by Talib Kweli (Ear Drum): Simply incredible. I vibed to this for a while, and regardless of what people say about will.i.am, I thought he put his thing down for this beat. Of course, the BK MC does his thing on the lyrics.

4. Nostaligia by Marco Polo feat. Masta Ace (Port Authority): Man, this song takes me back to when I was first listening to hip-hop in 1991. If I close my eyes and listen to this, I feel like I'm chilling in NYC during a block party. Masta Ace is an incredible MC, don't sleep.

5. Dreams by Little Brother (Get Back): "Something ain't the same." Tay told you, nigga that's the point. I LOVE this song. The producer, Rashid Hadee, put his FOOT in this beat, both Pooh and Tiggalo did their thing as usual, and this song just makes me think about '07 as a whole, and where I'm headed to in '08. And that's what music is supposed to do, put you in a zone. This song accomplished its job wholeheartedly.

6. I Wonder by KanYe West (Graduation): Out of almost every song on this album, I can relate to this one the most. KanYe really made you feel his pain, and his impending glory, even if in the eyes of most, he has it already. The only other 2 songs I could possibly put in this spot is Flashing Lights and Big Brother, but this had a bigger impact on me.

7. Yolanda's House by Ghostface Killah feat. Method Man and Raekwon (The Big Doe Rehab): If you don't think that these three can spin some incredible stories, you're not listening to them correctly. Ghost is solidifying himself as one of the premiere story tellers along side his "brother" Rae and as usual, Meth comes in and smashes his verse.

8. What A Job by Devin The Dude feat. Snoop Dogg and Andre' 3000 (Waitin' To Inhale): This song puts all the pressure hip-hop artists go through in a nice 5 and half minute package. I couldn't stop listening to this song and thinking about everybody I know that goes through this (both my brothers Sonday and Cleph Knotes, my boy Embassy The Hitmaker, Carlitta Durand) and know what they sacrifice for our listening pleasure. Having a song with 3 smooth rappers on it makes it even better.

9. I Want You by Common feat. will.i.am (Finding Forever): Ok, so, maybe some people don't like this song, but I thought it was great. Common made you really think about love lost, and how that love is still residing inside of you. Again, will.i.am came through and just wrecked shop.

10. I Get Money (Forbes Remix) by 50 Cent feat. Diddy and Jay-Z (Curtis): I don't like 50. Let's get that out of the way right now. With that, however, I can't hate on the ULTIMATE SWAG that was in this song. Diddy (whether he penned his verse or not) delivered one of his BEST verses of all time supersonically, and of course, Jay-Z came, wrecked shop, and left the building in flames.

Top Ten Albums (Again, no particular order)

1. The Big Doe Rehab (Ghostface Killah)
2. American Gangster (Jay-Z)
3. Graduation (KanYe West)
4. Made (Scarface)
5. Waitin' To Inhale (Devin The Dude)
6. Jesus Price Superstar (Sean Price)
7. Get Back (Little Brother)
8. Desire (Pharoahe Monch)
9. Talib Kweli (Ear Drum)
10. Port Authority (Marco Polo)

And, yes, for my own personal reasons, The Cool got ignored. Sorry, I don't care how much you hype it up. No, I won't listen to it. Kthxbai.

Top Ten Producers (No order, complete chaos)

1. J. Dilla (Say something offensive, and I'll beat you to death)
2. KanYe West
3. DJ Toomp
4. DanjaHandz/Timbaland (Can't really split the two.... or can I?)
5. Khrysis
6. Illmind
7. Swizz Beatz (Sorry, he did have me jamming at the club, can't front on that)
8. Just Blaze
9. 9th Wonder (Somewhere, somebody is complaining.... but I did like the production on Dream Merchant 2)
10. DJ Paul

Top Ten Movies (You already know.... no order)

1. I Am Legend
2. Smoking Aces
3. Superbad
4. Knocked Up
5. American Gangster
6. The Simpsons Movie
7. Spiderman 3 (Please, save the hate for someone else, I enjoyed it....)
8. The Bourne Ultimatum
9. Why Did I Get Married
10. 300

Top Ten Books (N.O.)

1. Sleeping With Strangers (Eric Jerome Dickey)
2. Waking With Enemies (Eric Jerome Dickey)
3. The Good Guy (Dean Koontz)
4. The Darkest Evening Of The Year (Dean Koontz)
5. Obsession (Jonathan Kellerman)
6. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows (J. K. Rowling)
7. Sixty Days And Counting (Kim Stanley Robinson)
8. Tomorrow (Graham Smith)
9. The Castle In The Forest (Norman Mailer)
10. Friday At The Nobody Inn (Mark Hayhurst)

Yeah, I read a lot. That's what I do.

Top Ten Video Games (I do this, too.... and of course..... no order)

1. Portal (The Orange Box)
2. Mass Effect
3. Bioshock
4. Rock Band
5. Call Of Duty 4
6. Super Mario Galaxy
7. God Of War 2
8. The Legend Of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
9. Chain Factor (Flash Game)
10. Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

"Waaah, no Halo 3!" Who cares?!? Halo 3 was great.... when it was simply called Halo. Deal with it.


Top Ten Television Shows (This coming from someone who doesn't really watch T.V.)

1. The Boondocks
2. The Wire (Best show HBO has, fuck The Sopranos)
3. Everybody Hates Chris (Great writing, and great characters)
4. Mythbusters (I can't help it, the geek in me likes this show)
5. Heroes (Yes, the hype is real)
6. Psych (Dule Hill is doing great things, don't get fooled)
7. The Office (If you work in a office, this is for you. Trust me)
8. Family Guy (Yeah, they are getting better as time goes on, but....)
9. The Simpsons (...still rules FOX)
10. The Daily Show (Jon Steward is still killing the comp on Comedy Central)

Top Ten People To Disappear in 2008

1. MIMS (You sold a million alright.... ringtones. Now please, follow your own advice and say nothing.... for a very long time)
2. Tiffany "New York" Pollard (I mean, really. Besides, I think she's a he.)
3. Paris Hilton/Lindsey Lohan/Brittany Spears/Jessica Simpson (Lumping you 4 together makes my list that much longer, besides, who cares about you or your younger/older siblings?)
4. Rev. Al Sharpton (Listen, I know I'm gonna catch flack for this, but is it just me, or does the man only show up when the situation benefits him in the end?)
5. Ann Coulter (Nigger {yes, I called her a nigger, she's ignorant}, please sit your ass down. Thank you.)
6. Don Imus (But wishing won't make him go away, the man makes money....)
7. R. Kelly (Personally, while his music does makes you move, he's going to jail.... for a long time...)
8. LL Cool J (Jay is no longer president. So when Exit 13 flops, who will you blame?)
9. Bill O'Reily (Guy, listen, stop trying to have your mouth on everything that DOESN'T concern you. And stop blaming Hip-Hop for everything. Hip-Hop didn't cause the VT shootings, it didn't cause Alison Kunhardt and Tessa Trachant to get killed in a accident with illegal alien Alfredo Ramos, it didn't cause Michael Vick to kill dogs, it didn't cause the death of Sean Taylor, the mine collapse in Huntington, Utah, or the bridge collapse in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Please understand this. Question, did black people call you out on your extra marital affairs? Or was one of the mistresses you was with black and she scorned you? I'm just saying...)
10. George W. Bush, Jr. (Enough said)


Top Ten reasons why I can't wait for 2008

1. Iron Man (This movie is going to be GREAT)
2. The Dark Knight (Same with this one)
3. I can finally get rid of all this dead weight.... not that long to go!
4. I got some things I need to handle with my immediate family.... and it'll get there, and we'll all be ok.
5. Grand Theft Auto IV... sorry, I need this.
6. The Wire Final Season
7. The Simpsons 20th Season
8. This year I found my voice.... next year, it WILL be heard.
9. Finally saving the Princess.
10. It's just a new year, with new experiences. I'm excited.


And finally.....

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm Done With This List

1. I really can't think of anything else.
2. So, I guess I'll end this now.
3 Through 10. Thank You For Reading.


I've had a good year this year.... and I had a bad year this year. But I played the hand I was dealt and I broke even, so, no complaints. Thank you to everyone who has been in my life over the years, and all the new people I've met and gotten to know better. I love you guys, seriously.


See you in 2008. Be safe, and have a Happy New Year's! I know I will.

Merry Holidays (Or, Happy Christmas)

Real quick, because it's Christmas and my family is begging me to be the big drummer man (instead of a little drummer boy, get it? Oh, never mind...) for our Rock Band.


If you gave a gift today, feel good.

If you received a gift today, feel good.

If you're just alive, feel good.


Whether Christmas is for you, or any other celebratory holiday, be excited, joyful, happy.



Happy Holidays.

A Penny For Your Thoughts (Or, a nickel for your Soul...)

I tried to be as tasteful as possible.


Last Friday night, I was out with friends. We were at my cousin's house, listening to music, drinking some fire water, having a good time. After while, my cousin decides that he wants to go out. He asks me if I want to roll with him. I roll out, wondering where he was headed. We end up at Magic City.



Yeah, THAT Magic City.


As we walk in, I noticed dozens of men; older, younger, married, and even some WITH THEIR WIVES. It tripped me out how many men were standing around, dollars in one hand, drinks in another, waiting on the next young woman to come out and "shake what her momma gave her" (DJ's words, not mine).

The announcement came on. The woman that was coming to the stage was named "Soul For Real". As I was thinking to myself why she would name herself such a thing, the DJ answered my question for me: "Because she candy coats your raindrops!"

Interesting.

I see her, slender woman, about 5'7", wearing heels that make her look almost Amazonian. She's wearing a little black dress, and when I say little, I mean, little. She's writhing on the pole, dancing with it, snaking her long legs around it, twirling around the pole as if she was going down a fireman's pole. She strips off the dress and the crowd goes wild. She has on tear drop pasties, and a G-String. She bends over, her read end gyrating to the crowd of men (and women) throwing the money at her. I see one girl walk up front, right to the stage, and smack Soul's ass. Soul responds by looking at the girl seductively, and taking the 10 spot the woman has, and... well, to not be so graphic, candy coats her rain drop.


Use your imagination.


The crowd goes nuts. She finishes her set, picks up her money (which I estimate had to have been well over $750 dollars for a 5 minute set) and leaves. Three other strippers come back on stage and resume their posts, dancing for their patrons, talking with the customers, trying to entice them out of their last dollar.


My cousin has retreated to the bar, and while he is purchasing drinks, I look to the left and I see Soul come from out of the dressing room. She looks different now, almost as if she's on her way to class. She has the rolling luggage, and she is talking and laughing with a couple of people on her way out. I stop her. At first, she looks at me as if I wasn't human enough to even speak to her, until she looks in my face. We then realize that we knew each other, she was one of the aspiring girls I went to high school with. She smiles, gives me a hug, asks how I'm doing. Then, the question I knew she was gonna ask next.

"What are you doing here?!?"

I smile then tell her I could ask her the same thing. She blushes for a sec, and then tells me a story about wanting to go to college, becoming pregnant on Grad night with a guy she barely knew, working a couple of jobs that didn't make sense for her, and finally being approached by her suite mate (she made it to Old Dominion University) about possibly becoming a stripper. She said at first it seemed so cliche' because she didn't want to end up the butt of people jokes, or be looked down upon simply because she was trying to get money. Besides, she had a 7 year old daughter to take care of, and if stripping for a couple of nights out of the week can take care of home AND allow her to handle school, then so be it. She told me she's been doing this for 2 years now, and once the Spring semester is over with, she can stop, because she'll be getting her degree.

I walk with her to her car, talking along the way. She told me while it's not right for her to keep the stereotype going of "sex sells", it was either this, or end up not doing anything with her life, and she didn't want to end up like so many other females we've seen in our time. I told her, I could understand why she would feel that way, it was just a shocking thing to know that it was her that was on stage, doing things I wouldn't have expected her to do. I told her I felt bad, because I saw parts of her I would have NEVER seen otherwise, and I wanted to do something, ANYTHING, to make sure she was ok. She smiled, told me that I was always noble and kindhearted, but that she'll be fine, it wasn't like she was selling her soul.

Our conversation ended there, and over the weekend, I thought long and hard about what she said and what I saw. She might not have been selling her soul, but I kinda feel like she was selling everything else but her soul, and honestly, how much more would it take for her to finally come up off that last piece of her.


What does it take for a woman to do such a thing? Is it just a college education? I'm not saying every stripper is in college, but I'm not buying into the myth that every stripper that talks about college is lying about college either. It takes a lot for a woman (and in some cities, a man) to come on stage or in a party or even in your home (!) and bare all, including their soul. Forget the point that they're either half naked or fully naked in front of a bunch of leering men (and women), it's the fact that in some social circles, the preconceived notion that they are doing this because they like the easy money, that they aren't competent enough to get a "real job", or they are looking for the "golden ticket", you know, that one guy (or girl) who'll come along and treat them like a queen (or king), waiting on them hand and foot (and wallet) is just enough to make ME want to scream, and I'm not even a stripper.

So what is it, strippers? Are you just selling a fantasy? Are you selling "sex"? Are you letting people who, in a normal situation, would never even get a hello out of you, see you naked because you want money? (Let's not even get into lap dancing) Is all of this for the almighty dollar?

For what it's worth, your soul is worth much, much more than a nickel.