Day 286 (The Barbie Standard)

Things I Learned In 2009

#4. There are women who actually want to be Barbies.

If you consider yourself a "Barbie" anything, you might not want to read this.


Still here? OK. I gave you fair warning.

I hope you got some Kevlar.



There is a alarming trend spreading like wildfire throughout the female gender. No one quite knows where it started, but what I can do is show you it's biggest offender:




This here is the 'Harajuku Barbie' herself, Nicki Minaj.

First off, let's see exactly what a Barbie is:

Barbie is a fashion doll manufactured by the American toy-company Mattel, Inc. and launched in March 1959. American businesswoman Ruth Handler (1916-2002) is credited with the creation of the doll using a German doll called Bild Lilli as her 'inspiration'.

So, it's a toy. A children's toy at that. But what makes a grown woman want to be a children's toy?

Barbie syndrome is a term used to loosely describe the desire to have a physical appearance and lifestyle representative of the infamous Barbie doll. It is most often associated with pre-teen and adolescent females but is applicable to any age group. Usually it is female youth that will attempt because it is associated with puberty and the awkward stages. The child will want to look her best and most beautiful to males and believes in looking beautiful like Barbie, though Barbie has radical body proportions. Someone afflicted with Barbie syndrome strives for an unattainable body type.

Barbie syndrome, huh? So, let's get this right. Grown women, all around the country (and world) are calling themselves Barbies. They want to be fashionistas, have the body type, and pretty much attract any man they can. But let's look at Barbie's proportions:

A standard Barbie doll is 11.5 inches tall, giving a height of 5 feet 9 inches at 1/6 scale. Barbie's vital statistics have been estimated at 36 inches (chest), 18 inches (waist) and 33 inches (hips). According to research by the University Central Hospital in Helsinki, Finland, she would lack the 17 to 22 percent body fat required for a woman to menstruate. In 1965, Slumber Party Barbie came with a book entitled How to Lose Weight which advised: "Don't eat." The doll also came with pink bathroom scales reading 110 lbs., which would be around 35 lbs. underweight for a woman 5 feet 9 inches tall.

So, let's get THIS straight. Women want to be called a piece of plastic that is underweight with proportions that are not only damaging to health, but nigh unobtainable?

That's sickening.

Every day, I log into Facebook, and I see ANOTHER woman calling herself a Barbie. I get on Twitter, and it's @BarbieBlahBlah or whatever their screen name is. I see a group of women falling failing for another trend, one that won't last. Just yesterday, I was in line and I saw a woman with a "Barbie" tattoo on her arm.

Women, you've got to be smarter than this. You're walking around perpetuating a subculture that is being led by THAT Queen Bee above. While everybody has their own subculture that they belong to, please, think smarter about being led around by a woman who really isn't what she says she is.

Being a Barbie means some things, but not what you think. If you're a Barbie; you're an airhead, you're plastic, malnourished, you can't menstruate, and you're constantly walking around looking for Ken, and that guy has no genitalia at all. You're not real. You're a figment of a woman's imagination and I can guarantee you that she didn't imagine this. Hell, she's not imagining anything; she's dead. What makes her figment worse is, she basically STOLE this idea from someone else. Not only are you not real, but you're not even original!

How about from now on, I want women to say they are WOMEN, not little plastic toys. You Barbies out there can try to dress this up any way you can; say that it represents power for a woman, or the ability to have what you want. Let me ask you a question: when did a Barbie ever have a job that didn't involve her bust? Hell, her little sisters Skipper and Stacy had real jobs. What the hell does Barbie do for a living? Eat and throw up? Wait for Ken to come home with that money so she can go buy her "Barbie Mansion"? Drive around in her Corvette and burn up gas all day? I've NEVER seen a Doctor Barbie, Real Estate Barbie, Lawyer Barbie, etc. But they had a Baywatch Barbie in a swimsuit. They had a Stewardess Barbie with the outfit so ridiculous that they took her off the shelves the next year. Is this REALLY the image you want to pass along to your children and nieces and cousins?

You really want to be fake? The second you come in contact with a little heat, you melt. Nothing about you is real, yet you want to be taken seriously. That defies all logic.

But by all means, who am I to stop you? I'm just an ordinary dude. Laughing at you along with the rest of the world.



Stop being plastic.

*shots fired*

Day 284

4:06 in the morning.

She permeates my thoughts.

We are a volatile mix. A anomalous brew of the hottest fire and the coldest ice.

The result is something astonishing.

Her standing naked in the candle light.

Me inhaling the very essence of her.

She smiles at me. I smile at her.

We stand and hold each other.

Our love is a friendship caught on fire. We stand in the flames, feeding them while the flames feed us.

Our incorporation of our thoughts and emotions and feelings combine to make love.

Yes, we create our love.

We fight it. Not because we aren't ready. Not because we don't want one another.

We fight it because our love is a pure high; easily addictive, dangerously enslaving.

We get lost in our love. No one else matters.

Her kisses nibble at my very soul. My touch makes her tremble with euphoria.

Love.

It is what we are.

Day 283

This is a quickie.


Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you? Am I making believe I see in you, a woman too perfect to be really true? Do I want you because you're wonderful, or are you wonderful because I want you? Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream, or are you really as beautiful as you seem? - Oscar Hammerstein II


That is all.

Haiku....or two...times two...

Cries turn into moans
The pleasure was all mine or
Was it just for her?

Selfish with the love
Stop, look, listen, but don't touch
That job is all hers.

Throbbing sensation
Yearning for her wet embrace
But her well is dry.

Sheets pulled tight to face
Silly dry reality
Hello my wet dream.

Day 280

Things I've Learned In 2009

#3. I haven't had many firsts.


Tonight, I was outside staring at the stars, just reflecting on a lot of things when I got a text from a good friend of mine, Shay. We chit-chatted back and forth until I asked her what she was doing. She said that she was baking cookies for the kids. She then proceeded to ask me what my favorite type of cookies were (chocolate chip, with peanut butter coming in as a close second) and then asked me had any female ever baked cookies for me before.

Outside of family, I hadn't had someone bake me cookies.

She felt bad. She said that it would be a first that I could have courtesy of her. I smiled and then thought about it.

When it comes to the opposite sex, I haven't had many firsts.

In my mind, I started listing all the things that I haven't had done for me (or to me) by someone else. Here's what I came up with:

-No female has ever baked me cookies. I had a cake baked for me once, however.
-Never had a massage or foot rub.
-Never received flowers. I've gotten 3 cards, all from my ex-wife, all at the beginning of the relationship.
-Never been cooked breakfast. Purchased breakfast, sure. But cooked? Nope. Not even by my ex-wife.
-Never fell asleep on a woman's lap/shoulder while watching TV.
-Never had a bath ran for me.
-Never had my clothes ironed for me.
-Never had a sandwich made for me. (This is true. Seriously, I was with someone for 5 years, and never once did I ask her to make me a sandwich and she did it. It actually turned into a running joke between us. As a matter of fact, we still joke about that now.)

There are many more, but those are quite personal, and I'm not in THAT much of a personal mood today.

I know that some of you reading this is thinking that the things I mentioned are quite trivial. As a matter of fact, I know some of you are like "Why would a man want things like this done?" It's quite simple, actually.

A lot of times, men like to feel appreciated, just as much as women. Sure, we might not want the same things, but those things let a man know that he's appreciated, even if it's just a little bit. While it wouldn't have to be an every day thing (or an every week for that matter) it good to know that someone cares about you enough to do said things.

I get on men all the time about letting their woman know they are appreciated. Tonight, ladies, I want you to take that special guy and let him know that while yes, you love/care about/like him, that he is also appreciated by you. Give him that little note in his work clothes or wallet. Wake him up to homemade breakfast. Run him a bath. Give him some flowers. Make him a sandwich.

I promise, while he may not say anything right then, he will certainly love the fact that you would do something like that for him.

And guys?

I shouldn't even have to tell you. Get busy.

#3. I haven't had many firsts.

Day 278

Things I've Learned In 2009

#2. People misunderstood the meaning of Fairy Tales.

Cinderella was a beautiful woman. Her step sisters and step mother were jealous, so they make her do all of the housework. She couldn't tell her father, he was so in love with them, he wouldn't believe her. She cries in the basement. Her Fairy Godmother hears her, grants her the opportunity to go to the ball where the Prince will pick his bride. She gives her a stunning outfit, but tells her that her curfew is 12:00. The Prince and her falls in love, but she has to run before she can tell him her name. She loses slipper. Back to the maid work. Prince goes around town looking for the girl with the glass slippers. Step mother believes her two daughters are the ones who can fit the shoe. Nope. Cinderella can, though. Prince marries her, father is left with his evil wife and evil stepdaughters.

Snow White's step mother tried to kill her because of her jealousy of Snow White's beauty. Step mom disguises herself three times to kill Snow White, but 7 dwarfs comes along and saves her. The third time, they couldn't save her, but a Prince comes along and kisses her. Snow White wakes up and marries the Prince. Step mom is quite upset, but for her evil ways, she's fitted with 2 hot iron shoes.

Sleeping Beauty slept until her true love kissed her. A old fairy cast a spell on everyone in the castle and they were put to sleep. 100 years later, a Prince falls in love and kisses her. She wakes up, marries the Prince.

Little Red Riding Hood was eaten by a wolf, but a hunter comes along and saves her and her grandmother.

Hansel and Gretel we're tricked by their father (via their step mother) to be lost in the woods, only to be captured and almost eaten by a witch. They kill the witch, grab her jewels, and go home to a grateful father whos now alone because the step mother died.

Beauty and The Beast was about a Beast who was cruel to one old lady, and a fairy turned him into a hideous beast. Belle's father wanted to provide for his three daughters; two of which were selfish and spoiled. Belle, through a series of events, had to stay with Beast. They eventually formed a friendship, and through a minor setback (see: death), fell in love.

The Princess and the Pea had a simple story: Prince want princess. He found no suitable partner. Girl comes in from a storm seeking shelter. She claims royalty. Prince's mother doesn't believe her. Has her sleep upon 20 mattresses and 20 featherbeds with one pea underneath. Girl wakes up with bruise. Prince believes that only a Princess could be as spoiled enough to feel a PEA under 40 layers. They marry. The End.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Or do you? What is connecting all of these stories? Here, I'll tell you:

Women get bitter as hell in their old age. Men are stupid. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time usually nets you what you've always wanted, provided you go through some hardship. Your step mother is a bitch. (Sorry for the crass language, but it's true.) Your father is a great man until he remarries. Then he is a punk.

Oh, and if you ever go skipping in the woods, a man carrying an axe is following your every move. (Where's Chris Hansen when you need him?)


I jest.


Seriously though, one of the most important things is this. Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.

Whatever the odds, no matter who is against you, even if it's family, if you step up and fight for what you want, you can succeed where others want you to fail. Keep your head up and stay focused on what you're reaching for. Shoot for the stars, even if you fail, you'll still be among the clouds.

Day 274

This is my series for a minute. I can't promise you guys I'll do it every day, but I'll try to. Yes, I know there are 91 days left in the year, and I'll update if I learn anything new. But for now...

Things I Learned In 2009

#1. Everything dies. Everything.

Three men I watched when I was growing up passed away this year. Patrick Swazye, who I admired for doing Roadhouse; Ed McMahon was Johnny Carson's co-host, I used to stay up late and watch him be Johnny's straight man to his act; and Michael Jackson, who I loved, period. I honestly wanted to be Mike. Dance like him, sing like him.

Farrah Fawcett was an angel. Charlie's Angel at that. I remember my older cousin had her infamous poster and I used to look at it all the time.

Natasha Richardson was a very good actress. I loved her in The Parent Trap and Maid In Manhattan.

Bea Arthur, who was on Golden Girls, she's gone too.

DJ AM and DJ Roc Raida passed too. Two great DJs, both gone.

David Carradine, who was in one of my favorite movies Kill Bill, and also start of Kung Fu, died.

Dom DeLuise, a funny, funny man. Dead.

John Hughes shaped my childhood completely. His movies, whether written or directed, were the stuff of the 80's. I still quote at least one of his movies daily.

Les Paul made the guitar of legends.

Ricardo Montalban. Steve McNair. Ron Silver. Ted Kennedy. Vernon Forrest. Arturo Gotti.

This is just the celeberties. Let's not talk about Oscar Grant. Or Derrion Albert. Or Bernard Monroe. Or Jamaal Valentine.

Personally, I lost friends, I lost family, I lost a lot. I just found out my older cousin died 20 minutes ago. A childhood friend died earlier this year. I had a... I don't even know what it was. It was something special, I know that; no matter how short it lasted. And that's dead.

But while I learned that eventually everything dies, I also learned that I have the strength to carry on, to move forward. And that's the important thing; we carry the memories of what has came before us and died out. So, I need to change this first lesson, because that wasn't the lesson I learned.

#1. Everything dies. Everything. I have the memories and strength to move on and move forward.